I have no motivation... It took me so long to fall asleep lastnight, which isn't all that strange, but that's one of the things the doc gave me meds for, and it's not working as well as I would like. I had nightmares when I did sleep, about, of all things, chocolate and fettucini alfredo. Think my body's telling me it misses the indulging, maybe, or maybe it's just me trying to talk myself out of all this. Honestly I wasn't even going to write at all today, but I thought I better, or it's going to look like I'm not doing what I promised to do yesterday. Rest easy friends, I managed to stay on the wagon! I did eat too much yesterday, and I feel super guilty, but it was spagetti, and I made my own sauce, with turkey burger, and I really make the best sauce ever! I used whole grain noodles, and I portioned it, I just ate an extra portion about 2 hours later... DAMN YOU WILL POWER! But the game was good, and the whole day in general was pretty good, I managed to reverse the funk I was in and make it a decent day for all of us.
Today, on the other hand, I'm not really crabby so much as just completely worn out. I think that the lack of Diet Dr. Pepper is catching up with me. Oh, I didn't mention that? Yeah, I was kind of keeping that as my dirty little secret. I have had a love affair with Diet Dr. Pepper for years. Certainly not a casual affair either, I was drinking between 6 and 10 a day, and probably closer to 10. I should own stock in the company, I could be their marketing director. For example: "I might be a giant chubbo, but with Diet Dr. Pepper in my hand all day, every day, I look like I might just care about looking like I care that I'm a fatty!" Smile and point to can Vanna style. I love how it tastes, I love the carbonation, I love it all, and in all honesty, if I could, yeah, I would marry it! ha ha! Soooo I have to be honest I have not quit drinking it, but I have cut back drastically in the last few days. I'm down to 2 or 3 a day, which is so unheard of. I started the first day by getting a can and a bottle of water at the same time, and I would chug the whole bottle so that I wasn't as thirsty, and it worked. For me to cut down on soda is nothing short of a small miracle, but I'm feeling the effects, headache, draggy, blech. I'll complain and tough it out, because I know that I need to not drink so much soda, I know this. I actually heard something that made sense, that when you drink diet soda, your body thinks that it's getting sugar, but it doesn't get the sugar, so you crave it. Since I have cut back, I'm finding that I don't crave chocolate and carbs so much, but I did drink one before bed, which might explain the dreams....
I got a call from the doctor's office today to talk about blood test results, and my thyroid is good! Hooray! I thought for sure that it wasn't going to be good news, not that it would be that big a deal to take a pill, but I really don't feel like piling another issue on top of all the crap I'm trying to fix right now. I do have to take vitamin D, 50,000 units a week for 8 weeks, then get that tested again. What I didn't know is that vitamin D levels can contribute to depression, makes sense, and many other issues, such as aches and pains and sleep loss, not to mention the ever looming osteoperosis monster!!! Taking a vitamin is no big deal, and I'm happy to do it, shoulda thought of that sooner!
It is Monday, Meatless Monday as a matter of fact, you know, the one that I promised to participate in just last week. I can't lie, I forgot. Sometimes I need to think things through before I open my big dumb mouth!!! How in the world do you fall off the wagon before you even climb on? Well you hang out with me, that's how, I'm a bad influence! I guess this week it's going to be meatless Tuesday for me! And in my draggy, feeling sorry for myself day, I have found myself having thoughts of giving up altogether, I have not done anything even resembling exercise today, but I do have some hours left, and I really need to get moving. I know this. So I suppose I'll go wash some clothes and go up and down the stairs a few times.
Oh, I forgot to mention I had a really interesting visit this morning. The woman who used to live in my house stopped by, and got the pleasure of seeing it in all of it's 8:30 am messy glory! (me too!) We had a really great talk, and she is a really, really nice person, who in her own way is facing a lot of the same kind of emotional stuff I am. I really enjoyed talking to her, I'm glad that fed-ex package was delivered here, because it felt nice to talk to someone and really relate. Who knows, maybe I made a friend! (A friend in Billings... I'll be damned...) Ok, I have things to accomplish, and not a lot of time!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Day 5: Sunday Funday....
Dear NFL, I know that I made the decision to be healthy, while knowing full well that this week and next week are the most fun NFL weekends of the year, but I would think that since I am such a big fan you could have enough respect for me to cancel these events so that I would not feel tempted to completely shoot progress in the ass. What do you mean they won't hear me??? Dammit....
I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach, that anticipation of a really great football day, full of food and drinks. In the past I have spent most football sundays making appetizers, or going to bars to watch games and be with friends, bars haven't been much in the last 2 years, but food, always. As far as the drinking goes, that's what I woke up craving. Aaaahhhh Mimosas, and some Bacardi later, with a nice cigarette backer... ooooh that sounds terrific. I've always liked to drink, I am a very happy drunk... and I don't do anything stupid, well except nearly every time I drink. Hangovers are just fine too, I love nothing more than feeling shitty all day, and making my kids miserable, it's great. I honestly wish that I was the person that could have just a few drinks and be ok with that, but for the most part I'm not. If I have one I want to continue until I can't walk. It takes away all the stress and all the pain and makes me forget that there are other people and things in the world that I care about. I don't know that I would call myself an alcoholic, but I could easily fall into it, which is why during this journey I have decided to not drink. Not to mention that losing weight is much easier without alcohol. Really for the most part, I haven't missed it too much, except for today, and I'm positive next Sunday will be even harder! NFL is a huge trigger, I am really going to have to talk myself out of it, so I've enlisted my kids to help, if I go to the store (which I do not need anything so that is really the only reason I would go) they have promised to throw fits if I go near the beer aisle. I have asked them to be the police for me, because I need them to tell me no. I need to remember that having a good time is really just as much fun without it! My husband is so incredible too, he drinks, on occasion, and maybe 3 or 4 drinks. He is the only person I have ever been able to go out with and have A drink and not feel like I need to get wasted, I love his company, and I love being with him, and I just don't feel like it's a priority in his company! Since he isn't here, the kids get to take up all the slack, but they are incredibly good at it!
Which brings me to my next point, I woke up feeling that way, and knew it's wasn't in the cards, and my mood was not sunny, to say the least. I wanted to blow it all, and go to the store and get beer and wings and all of the other really super good stuff I would normally have during the probowl. Screw it, I deserve to be happy, and if I want to deep fry some crap and shove it in my face I will! If I want to sit down and drink way too much and enjoy a football game, I will... I got out of bed and immediately snapped at Wyatt, and I don't even know why. I looked outside and saw snow, and it made me more cranky... I yelled at the dog, and them something happened. Wyatt just gave me a hug. He held me, and told me he loved me and that he thinks I'm a good mom. (goofy kid) Now I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I realize that being a good mom is what I want, and through all of the awful things I have brought to the table these kids love me no matter what. I could not possibly be luckier. Great husband, amazing kids, and I might be the broken piece of the puzzle, but I'm ready to fix myself. It's only been a few days, and for me to be able to change my outlook on a day like today is really really out of character. I'm ready to face today, even if it is tough. I made the kids and myself some nice breakfast, and took a few minutes just to chill out, and make sense of all the crazy feelings I had. It seems to have worked, the drinking temptation has subsided, and now I'm just looking forward to a nice day. I am even, as I write this, dancing to the Wiggles with Logan and Wyatt, Ebin is at church with his Gramma, otherwise he would have been in the thick of it too!!! I'm not a great dancer, but I love it, and the kids do, it's great! Ok, moving on....
Yesterday I was pretty productive. I exercised, ate well, and even got to see my cousin, which is a real treat, she and her sisters have been sisters to me for as long as I can remember. Before she came over the kids and I played Wii Monopoly, and I threw on some Pandora radio, and rather than sit and play, I danced to songs and played. Music is going to be my big ally in all of this, I'm really selective about what I listen to, I like my Metal, that's my absolute favorite, and I like Reggae, which is what I was dancing to. It won't be too often that you'll read about me listening to any kind of pop or country for any reason, it makes me want to stuff gum in my ears and melt it so I never have to hear it again. You do what you like, and you can spend all the time in the world trying to convince me that I will like a song.... I won't, I'm stubborn and I've talked myself out of it. I'm going to stick to what I like, and what keeps me motivated! What I haven't mentioned is the pedometer, I bought one yesterday, in the afternoon. That was hours after I had been up, exercised, and run a few errands, parking as far away in the parking lots as I could so that I was forced to walk further, and I walked fast. By the end of the day the pedometer read 3026, which exceeds my goal of 2000, and it was for just the latter half of the day. I'm really pleased with that, it means that reaching 10,000 won't be hard. I'm trying to just keep moving... pretty sure the lady behind me in line at Walgreens thought I had to pee, but that's ok, I have boys, 80 percent of my time out of the house is spent being socially embarrassed... it's just part of the gig now!
Now I'll move into the rest of my day today with a little sunnier outlook, snow not withstanding, and I will make some food for the game, but I have veggies and fruit, and I'm not going to leave the house, but I'm going to play with my kids, and probably dance some more!!! It really is Sunday Funday...
I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach, that anticipation of a really great football day, full of food and drinks. In the past I have spent most football sundays making appetizers, or going to bars to watch games and be with friends, bars haven't been much in the last 2 years, but food, always. As far as the drinking goes, that's what I woke up craving. Aaaahhhh Mimosas, and some Bacardi later, with a nice cigarette backer... ooooh that sounds terrific. I've always liked to drink, I am a very happy drunk... and I don't do anything stupid, well except nearly every time I drink. Hangovers are just fine too, I love nothing more than feeling shitty all day, and making my kids miserable, it's great. I honestly wish that I was the person that could have just a few drinks and be ok with that, but for the most part I'm not. If I have one I want to continue until I can't walk. It takes away all the stress and all the pain and makes me forget that there are other people and things in the world that I care about. I don't know that I would call myself an alcoholic, but I could easily fall into it, which is why during this journey I have decided to not drink. Not to mention that losing weight is much easier without alcohol. Really for the most part, I haven't missed it too much, except for today, and I'm positive next Sunday will be even harder! NFL is a huge trigger, I am really going to have to talk myself out of it, so I've enlisted my kids to help, if I go to the store (which I do not need anything so that is really the only reason I would go) they have promised to throw fits if I go near the beer aisle. I have asked them to be the police for me, because I need them to tell me no. I need to remember that having a good time is really just as much fun without it! My husband is so incredible too, he drinks, on occasion, and maybe 3 or 4 drinks. He is the only person I have ever been able to go out with and have A drink and not feel like I need to get wasted, I love his company, and I love being with him, and I just don't feel like it's a priority in his company! Since he isn't here, the kids get to take up all the slack, but they are incredibly good at it!
Which brings me to my next point, I woke up feeling that way, and knew it's wasn't in the cards, and my mood was not sunny, to say the least. I wanted to blow it all, and go to the store and get beer and wings and all of the other really super good stuff I would normally have during the probowl. Screw it, I deserve to be happy, and if I want to deep fry some crap and shove it in my face I will! If I want to sit down and drink way too much and enjoy a football game, I will... I got out of bed and immediately snapped at Wyatt, and I don't even know why. I looked outside and saw snow, and it made me more cranky... I yelled at the dog, and them something happened. Wyatt just gave me a hug. He held me, and told me he loved me and that he thinks I'm a good mom. (goofy kid) Now I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I realize that being a good mom is what I want, and through all of the awful things I have brought to the table these kids love me no matter what. I could not possibly be luckier. Great husband, amazing kids, and I might be the broken piece of the puzzle, but I'm ready to fix myself. It's only been a few days, and for me to be able to change my outlook on a day like today is really really out of character. I'm ready to face today, even if it is tough. I made the kids and myself some nice breakfast, and took a few minutes just to chill out, and make sense of all the crazy feelings I had. It seems to have worked, the drinking temptation has subsided, and now I'm just looking forward to a nice day. I am even, as I write this, dancing to the Wiggles with Logan and Wyatt, Ebin is at church with his Gramma, otherwise he would have been in the thick of it too!!! I'm not a great dancer, but I love it, and the kids do, it's great! Ok, moving on....
Yesterday I was pretty productive. I exercised, ate well, and even got to see my cousin, which is a real treat, she and her sisters have been sisters to me for as long as I can remember. Before she came over the kids and I played Wii Monopoly, and I threw on some Pandora radio, and rather than sit and play, I danced to songs and played. Music is going to be my big ally in all of this, I'm really selective about what I listen to, I like my Metal, that's my absolute favorite, and I like Reggae, which is what I was dancing to. It won't be too often that you'll read about me listening to any kind of pop or country for any reason, it makes me want to stuff gum in my ears and melt it so I never have to hear it again. You do what you like, and you can spend all the time in the world trying to convince me that I will like a song.... I won't, I'm stubborn and I've talked myself out of it. I'm going to stick to what I like, and what keeps me motivated! What I haven't mentioned is the pedometer, I bought one yesterday, in the afternoon. That was hours after I had been up, exercised, and run a few errands, parking as far away in the parking lots as I could so that I was forced to walk further, and I walked fast. By the end of the day the pedometer read 3026, which exceeds my goal of 2000, and it was for just the latter half of the day. I'm really pleased with that, it means that reaching 10,000 won't be hard. I'm trying to just keep moving... pretty sure the lady behind me in line at Walgreens thought I had to pee, but that's ok, I have boys, 80 percent of my time out of the house is spent being socially embarrassed... it's just part of the gig now!
Now I'll move into the rest of my day today with a little sunnier outlook, snow not withstanding, and I will make some food for the game, but I have veggies and fruit, and I'm not going to leave the house, but I'm going to play with my kids, and probably dance some more!!! It really is Sunday Funday...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Day 4: A New Challenge
I realize that kids are a blessing, blah, blah, blah..... I love them, they are incredible, wonderful demon seeded spawn of satan... At least when I'm trying so hard to do things right. I woke up a little before 7, actually having a full nights sleep!!!! I feel wonderful! And motivated, and energized, and ready for all of the fun exciting things that are going to happen this weekend, such as.... grocery shopping, aaaand, um, well I'm sure we can dream something up. The weather is supposed to be pretty hinky, and for all of the great things I hope to accomplish, not one of those entails my ass out in the cold. I hate the cold, I'm still not even sure how I've managed to stay in Montana as long as I have... I'm sorry, I know that a lot of you enjoy skiing and snowboarding and snowmobiling and ice skating, but I walk outside and all I can think is it's too damned cold! So most of my activity in the winter is inside, or lack there of, as has been the case in the past. As I said I woke up a couple of hours ago, and and I fixed the boys a nice breakfast, and made myself the standard egg white sandwich combo that I have enjoyed the last couple days. We all ate while the kids watched cartoons and then I got up to do my yogo/dance cardio that I have done the last four days. Um, remember yesterday I predicted some laughter from the kids... yeah, that isn't nearly as easy to endure as you would think, especially when they are participating with you, and doing faaaar better, while pointing and laughing. I realize this sounds petty, but it makes it hard to concentrate!!!! The good that comes out of this, however, is that the boy who is generally wound up for the first few hours of the day, well he's all chilled out now, and the one who would rather sit and sit and sit (that's my boy!!!) He want's to get up and do stuff! So I suppose, if it means the kids can get something good out of this too, the possitives will keep adding up.
Now for the most exciting part of my day, we all get to go get groceries. I did go the other day, and found that Albertsons really could not care less about produce, so off to costco we go to brave the saturday crowd. After having lived in Missoula for so long, a wonderful land of hippies, and people who understand good wholesome food can be delicious and fresh, going to a grocery store here, where vegetable is a 4 letter word because it doesn't rhyme with beef, is a sad shock to the system. I got an egg plant the other day that looked nice, maybe a little mis-shapen, but no biggie, I cut it open and it was black... and that was the nice one... I'm all about seasonal produce, but since our growing season really isn't much more than 1/3rd of the year, everything I find has to come from down south, Mexico and Chile, and is grown in large scale green houses, it doesn't always have the flavor that you would get from really fresh farmers market produce. I guess the challenge here is to be creative, and find a way to make what I find work for all of us. Perhaps winter was the perfect time to do this, because it's forcing me to think outside the box. I also have an ally in an old friend (she's not old, she is actually 3 days younger than me!) and fellow blogger, who has always been a healthy eater, she really has had some great tips for utilizing the things I can get. (you know who you are, You are kick ass!!!) So I am going to take a page from her book and while shopping not buy anything white. It's time to consider my other options, and time to teach these little fellas how to eat well and move well, even if it means they laugh at me! So off I go to brave the shopping element and find things that will not just satisfy, but nourish!!! Oh did I mention that shopping with 3 boys is exercise on its own?
Now for the most exciting part of my day, we all get to go get groceries. I did go the other day, and found that Albertsons really could not care less about produce, so off to costco we go to brave the saturday crowd. After having lived in Missoula for so long, a wonderful land of hippies, and people who understand good wholesome food can be delicious and fresh, going to a grocery store here, where vegetable is a 4 letter word because it doesn't rhyme with beef, is a sad shock to the system. I got an egg plant the other day that looked nice, maybe a little mis-shapen, but no biggie, I cut it open and it was black... and that was the nice one... I'm all about seasonal produce, but since our growing season really isn't much more than 1/3rd of the year, everything I find has to come from down south, Mexico and Chile, and is grown in large scale green houses, it doesn't always have the flavor that you would get from really fresh farmers market produce. I guess the challenge here is to be creative, and find a way to make what I find work for all of us. Perhaps winter was the perfect time to do this, because it's forcing me to think outside the box. I also have an ally in an old friend (she's not old, she is actually 3 days younger than me!) and fellow blogger, who has always been a healthy eater, she really has had some great tips for utilizing the things I can get. (you know who you are, You are kick ass!!!) So I am going to take a page from her book and while shopping not buy anything white. It's time to consider my other options, and time to teach these little fellas how to eat well and move well, even if it means they laugh at me! So off I go to brave the shopping element and find things that will not just satisfy, but nourish!!! Oh did I mention that shopping with 3 boys is exercise on its own?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Day #3: What I needed to hear...
Before I even begin to talk about today I want you to understand how proud I am of myself. Lastnight I went to bed at about 9, like every night, so that I could lay there and hope to fall asleep. This is always my worst food time, I am tired and hungry and lazy... I did something I can honestly say I have never done before. I did get a snack, I ate a Honey Crisp apple, and much to my surprise, it was delicious, and very satisfying. I know that eating after 7 pm is kind of a no no, but I have to ease my into this. I am a snacky person, and if eating an apple after 7 is my biggest fault, then I think I'm doing ok. (Believe me I have NO delusions that eating an apple will be my only slip up, I am, after all, only beginning!)
I realized today that one of the things I have not mentioned so far is how fat I really am. I'm 5'10" tall and yesterday when I went to the neurologist, I weighed 225.9 lbs. This is absolutely embarrassing, but the only way this will ever work is if I am completely honest. Now today I went to get established with a new family doc, and of course the dreaded weigh in very first thing. I had eaten breakfast and hadn't exercised yet, and I weighed 223.2 lbs!!! I do understand it could be because it's a different scale, or water weight or whatever, but it really felt good to think that maybe, just maybe I was on the right track. That was the best feeling, even if it is only a small success!
Now on to this wonderful doctor. I always joke about being old, I mean, I'm not 19 anymore... ha ha, but when a doctor walks into the exam room and she is easily 5 years younger than you, and knowing how long a person has to go to school to be a doc.... Whoa, kind of a shock to the system! I have to tell you I kind of had to take a second look to make sure this was right!!! She walked in and asked how I was, and mentioned that I had listed depression as a possible issue, and I nearly broke down. Just having someone outside of my little tiny circle, face to face, say those words to me, it was mortifying. But then we started talking, and I explained everything to her, not sleeping, how I feel, how long it has been going down hill, and how I really would like to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't look at her, I was so terrified that she would think I was nuts, maybe think that I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I finally looked at her I saw understanding, something I really did not expect. This person, whom I had never met in my life, doesn't feel pity, or resentment, she wanted to help... Of course she does, that's her chosen profession, her path in life, but I guess I've never looked at it that way. She told me this isn't so strange, and she's helping me get on the path to a happier exhistence! Hooray!
Then we had the weight conversation, I told her I am so well aware of how overweight I am, and I also explained this. The diet, the exercise and the blog. She was so pleased with the idea, and told me it's not too often that someone honestly makes an effort like this. She gave me some great suggestions, one of which I think I will begin tomorrow, and it's so simple. Get a pedometer. She explained that the success rate of diets with something so simple is doubled. She told me that statistically, in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, a person should walk about 10,000 steps. (I'm lucky if I get a couple hundred... and thats days that I pee alot... I don't have a ride to the bathroom...) She explained that starting with a goal of, say, 2000 steps a day for a week is great, and maybe add 500 a week, just to let my body adjust to the extra movement, keeping in mind that yoga won't count as steps and the exercise bike won't count, but to continue with that activity. So I think, starting tomorrow I will post how many steps, along with all the other garbage I'm throwing out there! I see her again in 30 days, to check out my progress with the meds and my weight. She really made me feel like turning this corner is going to work, and I'm going to be successful!
The one thing that I promised yesterday is to perhaps post a recipe for the lovely dinner I made myself. Pictures were a no go, because it didn't plate as nicely as I would have liked. I will tell you what it was. I am a super lover of lasagna, and I have 3 lasagna recipes that are really amazing, and amazingly fattening!!! Hooray for Italian food, huh? What I did was really tasty, and different.
Low fat Polenta Lasagna:
1 c. coarse ground corn meal
3 c. water
2 cloves minced garlic (I super love garlic!)
salt and pepper (just a couple dashes, let's be honest, no one ever measures it anyway)
Boil your water with the s&p and garlic, slooooowly add the corn meal and stir in well. Turn down to low and simmer about 20 min. You really want to stir pretty constantly for this time, otherwise you can have a huge mess!
In a bowl mix 1- 16 oz container of strained fat free cottage cheese with s&p and about a tbsp of Italian seasoning. Set aside.
Get out your frying pan little buddy cuz now you are going to need it for the sauce!
1/4 lb super duper extra lean burger (you can also use ground turkey or chicken, I just didn't have any)
1/2 diced med onion
2 cloves minced garlic (told you so)
1 whole zuccini, washed and diced
2-3 cups baby spinach, chopped if you like, I didn't.... lazy....
1 can of crushed tomatoes
1 tbsp italian seasoning
S&P
In a HOT pan, brown your burger with the onion and garlic, if there is any fat, drain it off. Then add in the rest of the veggies, s&p, and sautee on med until the spinach is wilted. Add the tomatoes and seasoning, and let it cook for about 15 min.
Okay, now the fun part. Spray an 8x10 baking dish with whatever nonstick spray you use, then spread 1/3 of the sauce across the bottom of the pan, top that with 1/2 the polenta and 1/2 the cheese, repeat, and use the last 1/3 of the sauce for the top. I topped it off with about 1/4 cup of low fat Mozzerella, and bake it in a preheated oven (375) for about 30 min, or until the cheese is brown. After you take it out I really recommend letting it sit to cool for 15 min, so it can set up a little. I didn't do that, hence the mountain of mixed up stuff on my plate that did not look good enough to photograph!!! Honestly I think that if you did this all the day before you served it, then bake it the day of, it would come out much prettier! The leftovers for lunch were really good, and I ate it cold (okay bacteria scaredy cats, I know I know!!!)
For dinner I'm baking some blue hake with lemon pepper and asparagus, sounds pretty good! (Blue hake is a white fish) and a nice salad!
All in all I would say today has been a pretty good one, and I feel like I've really started down a good path! Who knows what the weekend will bring, or how hard my kids are going to laugh at me when they watch me do yoga, and try to dance... who knows I may be the next youtube sensation! Oh boy! Here we go!!!!
I realized today that one of the things I have not mentioned so far is how fat I really am. I'm 5'10" tall and yesterday when I went to the neurologist, I weighed 225.9 lbs. This is absolutely embarrassing, but the only way this will ever work is if I am completely honest. Now today I went to get established with a new family doc, and of course the dreaded weigh in very first thing. I had eaten breakfast and hadn't exercised yet, and I weighed 223.2 lbs!!! I do understand it could be because it's a different scale, or water weight or whatever, but it really felt good to think that maybe, just maybe I was on the right track. That was the best feeling, even if it is only a small success!
Now on to this wonderful doctor. I always joke about being old, I mean, I'm not 19 anymore... ha ha, but when a doctor walks into the exam room and she is easily 5 years younger than you, and knowing how long a person has to go to school to be a doc.... Whoa, kind of a shock to the system! I have to tell you I kind of had to take a second look to make sure this was right!!! She walked in and asked how I was, and mentioned that I had listed depression as a possible issue, and I nearly broke down. Just having someone outside of my little tiny circle, face to face, say those words to me, it was mortifying. But then we started talking, and I explained everything to her, not sleeping, how I feel, how long it has been going down hill, and how I really would like to be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn't look at her, I was so terrified that she would think I was nuts, maybe think that I was making a big deal out of nothing. When I finally looked at her I saw understanding, something I really did not expect. This person, whom I had never met in my life, doesn't feel pity, or resentment, she wanted to help... Of course she does, that's her chosen profession, her path in life, but I guess I've never looked at it that way. She told me this isn't so strange, and she's helping me get on the path to a happier exhistence! Hooray!
Then we had the weight conversation, I told her I am so well aware of how overweight I am, and I also explained this. The diet, the exercise and the blog. She was so pleased with the idea, and told me it's not too often that someone honestly makes an effort like this. She gave me some great suggestions, one of which I think I will begin tomorrow, and it's so simple. Get a pedometer. She explained that the success rate of diets with something so simple is doubled. She told me that statistically, in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, a person should walk about 10,000 steps. (I'm lucky if I get a couple hundred... and thats days that I pee alot... I don't have a ride to the bathroom...) She explained that starting with a goal of, say, 2000 steps a day for a week is great, and maybe add 500 a week, just to let my body adjust to the extra movement, keeping in mind that yoga won't count as steps and the exercise bike won't count, but to continue with that activity. So I think, starting tomorrow I will post how many steps, along with all the other garbage I'm throwing out there! I see her again in 30 days, to check out my progress with the meds and my weight. She really made me feel like turning this corner is going to work, and I'm going to be successful!
The one thing that I promised yesterday is to perhaps post a recipe for the lovely dinner I made myself. Pictures were a no go, because it didn't plate as nicely as I would have liked. I will tell you what it was. I am a super lover of lasagna, and I have 3 lasagna recipes that are really amazing, and amazingly fattening!!! Hooray for Italian food, huh? What I did was really tasty, and different.
Low fat Polenta Lasagna:
1 c. coarse ground corn meal
3 c. water
2 cloves minced garlic (I super love garlic!)
salt and pepper (just a couple dashes, let's be honest, no one ever measures it anyway)
Boil your water with the s&p and garlic, slooooowly add the corn meal and stir in well. Turn down to low and simmer about 20 min. You really want to stir pretty constantly for this time, otherwise you can have a huge mess!
In a bowl mix 1- 16 oz container of strained fat free cottage cheese with s&p and about a tbsp of Italian seasoning. Set aside.
Get out your frying pan little buddy cuz now you are going to need it for the sauce!
1/4 lb super duper extra lean burger (you can also use ground turkey or chicken, I just didn't have any)
1/2 diced med onion
2 cloves minced garlic (told you so)
1 whole zuccini, washed and diced
2-3 cups baby spinach, chopped if you like, I didn't.... lazy....
1 can of crushed tomatoes
1 tbsp italian seasoning
S&P
In a HOT pan, brown your burger with the onion and garlic, if there is any fat, drain it off. Then add in the rest of the veggies, s&p, and sautee on med until the spinach is wilted. Add the tomatoes and seasoning, and let it cook for about 15 min.
Okay, now the fun part. Spray an 8x10 baking dish with whatever nonstick spray you use, then spread 1/3 of the sauce across the bottom of the pan, top that with 1/2 the polenta and 1/2 the cheese, repeat, and use the last 1/3 of the sauce for the top. I topped it off with about 1/4 cup of low fat Mozzerella, and bake it in a preheated oven (375) for about 30 min, or until the cheese is brown. After you take it out I really recommend letting it sit to cool for 15 min, so it can set up a little. I didn't do that, hence the mountain of mixed up stuff on my plate that did not look good enough to photograph!!! Honestly I think that if you did this all the day before you served it, then bake it the day of, it would come out much prettier! The leftovers for lunch were really good, and I ate it cold (okay bacteria scaredy cats, I know I know!!!)
For dinner I'm baking some blue hake with lemon pepper and asparagus, sounds pretty good! (Blue hake is a white fish) and a nice salad!
All in all I would say today has been a pretty good one, and I feel like I've really started down a good path! Who knows what the weekend will bring, or how hard my kids are going to laugh at me when they watch me do yoga, and try to dance... who knows I may be the next youtube sensation! Oh boy! Here we go!!!!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Day 2: The beginner's guide to will power
This morning I got up early for a doctor's appt. I had to go see a neurologist for a bump on the noggin a month ago. I'm actually glad for the timing, as it was a good opportunity to get myself figured out a little better. I still have some tests, but for the most part everything seems fine. What was really wonderful about this doctor in particular is he set up an appointment with a family practice doc so that I can address some of the underlying issues that, I'm sure, partially contribute to my fat issue. Depression and insomnia. I can't wait to get a good nights sleep, I can't wait to crawl into bed and not lay awake for 6 hours just so I can sleep for 2, and I can't wait to wake up in the morning and feel like I'm ready to face the day, and just be able to look at my family and be happy. This isn't something that I have wanted to discuss with many people, I've wanted to hide and just try to work through it. I didn't want to be compared to people with similar problems and have people look at me with pity in their eyes because I feel sad. But I have come to realize that the only way I can solve any of this is to be honest and to make sure people know, that way, as I write everyday, I have to follow through and I have to show progress, because I have no interest in telling a story and not having the proof to back it up.
So, this leads me to the conversation that I had with this wonderful doc this morning. I told him about my plan to make things better for myself. I was totally honest with him, and when he heard about my situation, he was really amazed that it took me this long to address it. Again, I've always felt embarrassed. I told him about the diet and this blog, and he told me that if everyone who started a diet did something like this, and followed throught with it, the success rate for diets could possibly be higher. He told me to tell the MD tomorrow, and get tips from him. This conversation added to my excitement and motivation.
This leads me to my first real day on the diet. Actually let me tell you about dinner last night. I made my fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and payed attention to how I felt after I ate it. It tasted great, don't get me wrong, and I had that wonderful food feeling, until I was finished, and I was tired and sluggish and irritable. How have I not noticed this before? Well I just really didn't stop eating, I never really let myself have time to put it all together. And again I didn't sleep well. (shocker)
I woke up at 5:30 this morning, not feeling hungry, but immediately thought about food. Luckily I didn't have enough time to worry about food, I had to get myself and all of the kids ready so I could be out the door on time. By the time the appointment was over I was soooo hungry and I was ready to take Logan down the street to Burger King, but I stopped myself. Instead I went to the grocery store and got lots of fruits and veggies, I got whole grain bread, and non fat yogurt and cottage cheese. When I came home I made myself an egg white sandwich on 1 piece of dry toast, I had 1 whole kiwi, and a cup of strawberry greek yogurt. Hey, here's a fun fact, I just stuffed my face with Atkins version of Satan, but the calorie count was about 340, which for me.... huuuuuge difference. And here is another fun fact, today is National Chocolate Day... guess I won't be celebrating this year! Ha ha! Based on that breakfast, I actually feel energized. I don't feel hungry, and because of that it's time to exercise! I got a couple of really great hints lastnight, the first is: If it comes in a package, don't eat it. That is really great advice and easy to remember. the second was: You need to move your butt twice as much as you move your mouth. Fantastic! Now I just need to talk a little less...
I have a plan for dinner, but I don't want to discuss that until I have the chance to see if it will really work, if it does, it has the potential to be really incredible, and I will post pics and a recipe tomorrow. Now it is time for me to run and get to shakin my butt, as it is I'm pretty sure I owe myself 62 years of butt shaking!
So, this leads me to the conversation that I had with this wonderful doc this morning. I told him about my plan to make things better for myself. I was totally honest with him, and when he heard about my situation, he was really amazed that it took me this long to address it. Again, I've always felt embarrassed. I told him about the diet and this blog, and he told me that if everyone who started a diet did something like this, and followed throught with it, the success rate for diets could possibly be higher. He told me to tell the MD tomorrow, and get tips from him. This conversation added to my excitement and motivation.
This leads me to my first real day on the diet. Actually let me tell you about dinner last night. I made my fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and payed attention to how I felt after I ate it. It tasted great, don't get me wrong, and I had that wonderful food feeling, until I was finished, and I was tired and sluggish and irritable. How have I not noticed this before? Well I just really didn't stop eating, I never really let myself have time to put it all together. And again I didn't sleep well. (shocker)
I woke up at 5:30 this morning, not feeling hungry, but immediately thought about food. Luckily I didn't have enough time to worry about food, I had to get myself and all of the kids ready so I could be out the door on time. By the time the appointment was over I was soooo hungry and I was ready to take Logan down the street to Burger King, but I stopped myself. Instead I went to the grocery store and got lots of fruits and veggies, I got whole grain bread, and non fat yogurt and cottage cheese. When I came home I made myself an egg white sandwich on 1 piece of dry toast, I had 1 whole kiwi, and a cup of strawberry greek yogurt. Hey, here's a fun fact, I just stuffed my face with Atkins version of Satan, but the calorie count was about 340, which for me.... huuuuuge difference. And here is another fun fact, today is National Chocolate Day... guess I won't be celebrating this year! Ha ha! Based on that breakfast, I actually feel energized. I don't feel hungry, and because of that it's time to exercise! I got a couple of really great hints lastnight, the first is: If it comes in a package, don't eat it. That is really great advice and easy to remember. the second was: You need to move your butt twice as much as you move your mouth. Fantastic! Now I just need to talk a little less...
I have a plan for dinner, but I don't want to discuss that until I have the chance to see if it will really work, if it does, it has the potential to be really incredible, and I will post pics and a recipe tomorrow. Now it is time for me to run and get to shakin my butt, as it is I'm pretty sure I owe myself 62 years of butt shaking!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Day 1: Attitude adjustment
Some mornings you wake up, knowing that you didn't get enough sleep, that you have 10 million things to worry about, and no one can possibly understand how you feel. I wake up like that every day. The only things that ever feel positive anymore are looking forward to nap time, and eating. I'm 31 years old, I've spent so much of my life worrying about everyone else, and partying, and taking care of kids and pleasing everyone else. I lost myself. Plain and simple. This is signifigant, because years ago I had confidence, I had everything going for me, and I gave up. I had a talk with a friend this morning that really made me see what I have done to myself, being isolated, only having the kids to talk to most of the time, and the one part of me that seems to still function is the nurturing part. In order to feel like I'm nurturing my family I have to feed them, well. Seems reasonable enough, right? What I have come to realize, just in the last few days is that I wasn't cooking to nurture them, I was cooking to comfort me. I don't remember a day in the last couple years when I thought of any activity without associating that with food. I love food, I love the way that cookies taste and feel. I love the way chips crunch and spaghetti tastes and chocolate soothes... I don't seem to miss my husband as much when he's gone, if I have myself surrounded by food, and when he's home I feel like I'm taking care of him by cooking and cooking and cooking.... and eating. I look in the mirror every single morning, and try to avoid looking below my neck because it's embarrassing, and if I don't see it, maybe it's not there. I have only weighed more once in my life, a year and a half ago when I was ready to give birth to my youngest son.
How in the world am I going to break myself of all of this? I don't have any problem cooking healthy food, it's just a matter of reprogramming how I percieve the ingredients in front of me. I love veggies and fruit, and yet when I shop it's the last thing I think about. I feel cheated because the grocery stores here don't even compare to the ones I used to shop at before I moved here... excuse #1. The only people I have to cook for are my kids, and one is really picky, so why cause a battle... excuse #2. I'm too tired to deal with cooking and McDonalds is so close... (and even though I don't like it... I still eat it...) excuse #3. Add to that the feeling of euphoria that I get when I am eating something comforting and delicious, and creamy and starchy and fatty... mmmmmm. I am a heart disease timebomb just waiting to explode. I feel like if I don't produce wonderful soothing things then I'm just not doing my job right. I'm a sad mess!
I realize that it sounds like I'm planning a pity party that no one will come to, but really it's the opposite. I want to start new, I want to teach my kids how to be healthy and active, and I want my wonderful hubby to look at me and be proud of the work that I've done. I want my confidence back and I want my life back. What I hope to accomplish here is a place to vent, a place to show my progress, and a place to share what I learn! Today is attitude adjustment day! I have already done something that I would never do, even on my best day. I worked out. I was so tired and ready for that nap that I loooove so much, and instead I got a bottle of water, turned on exercise on demand, and did 20 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of cardio. That is exactly 40 minutes more than I ever thought I was capable of. They always say exercise gives you energy, and I couldn't imagine how. I do now. I feel really great, and I'm sure that sore is coming, but I need to lay off the excuses and just do it! I can't have my kids looking back on their childhood and remember me watching tv and eating. No more, I can't, I'm the one person that is around all the time, and wasting their formative years being a lazy fatass is no way to raise them.
I'm going on a hunt for good food, good fuel, and I'm going to find a way to make it comforting and healthy. At least that's my goal. Knowing all of this I have to admit, I'm making fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner, as my last gourge myself meal. I'm going to spend some time tweeking my own recipes and find a way to make it healthy, and I know I can! If you, as a reader have any advice, any kind words, any motivation, I will gladly take all that I can get!
Here's to making it better!
How in the world am I going to break myself of all of this? I don't have any problem cooking healthy food, it's just a matter of reprogramming how I percieve the ingredients in front of me. I love veggies and fruit, and yet when I shop it's the last thing I think about. I feel cheated because the grocery stores here don't even compare to the ones I used to shop at before I moved here... excuse #1. The only people I have to cook for are my kids, and one is really picky, so why cause a battle... excuse #2. I'm too tired to deal with cooking and McDonalds is so close... (and even though I don't like it... I still eat it...) excuse #3. Add to that the feeling of euphoria that I get when I am eating something comforting and delicious, and creamy and starchy and fatty... mmmmmm. I am a heart disease timebomb just waiting to explode. I feel like if I don't produce wonderful soothing things then I'm just not doing my job right. I'm a sad mess!
I realize that it sounds like I'm planning a pity party that no one will come to, but really it's the opposite. I want to start new, I want to teach my kids how to be healthy and active, and I want my wonderful hubby to look at me and be proud of the work that I've done. I want my confidence back and I want my life back. What I hope to accomplish here is a place to vent, a place to show my progress, and a place to share what I learn! Today is attitude adjustment day! I have already done something that I would never do, even on my best day. I worked out. I was so tired and ready for that nap that I loooove so much, and instead I got a bottle of water, turned on exercise on demand, and did 20 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of cardio. That is exactly 40 minutes more than I ever thought I was capable of. They always say exercise gives you energy, and I couldn't imagine how. I do now. I feel really great, and I'm sure that sore is coming, but I need to lay off the excuses and just do it! I can't have my kids looking back on their childhood and remember me watching tv and eating. No more, I can't, I'm the one person that is around all the time, and wasting their formative years being a lazy fatass is no way to raise them.
I'm going on a hunt for good food, good fuel, and I'm going to find a way to make it comforting and healthy. At least that's my goal. Knowing all of this I have to admit, I'm making fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner, as my last gourge myself meal. I'm going to spend some time tweeking my own recipes and find a way to make it healthy, and I know I can! If you, as a reader have any advice, any kind words, any motivation, I will gladly take all that I can get!
Here's to making it better!
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