Homework for dummies... i.e. parents

In the grand scheme of things my kids are awesome. I couldn't ask for more as far as that is concerned, but I am coming to realize as a product of my own laziness just how stressful homework can be. Ebin has some needs that I'm not always equiped to deal with, and Cyndi tries to help but she doesn't really have the structural background to help him in certain situations. Today we have spelling words, all with punctuation, and the poor kid can't grasp why an apostrophe might go somewhere. He doesn't have the best coping skills when he gets frustrated. At this moment he is crying because he can't spell Weren't. He is too hyper to pay attention to the small details and he gets so frustrated that he tries to pull out his hair, cries, and yells... a lot. (as you can tell by many of my own posts spelling isn't always my forte either, but I have the capability for figuring it out with my very wise 32 years...) I'm watching him freak out over nothing nearly every day. It may not even be homework, he finds things that just freak him out, and I feel terrible. Luckily I have a therapist, and soon he will too. Also I hate math. I'm sooooo bad at math, when I try, my behavior turns into something close to what Ebin does when he is frustrated. I find it hard to believe that kids this young have hours of homework, I understand the reason, but geez, they're just kids, it can't be easy to know that you have 3 hours of homework after 7 hours of trying at school. So we climb this ladder hoping to keep the kids as caught up as they can, and one way or another we will win.
Oh yeah, you know I mentioned that Therapist earlier. She is truly awesome, and as it turns out the crazy is backing off... and I'm learning to be less of a doormat and more of a regular person. John and I have our arguments like any other couple does, but sometimes I feel like I'm just fighting a one sided battle. As it turns out (according to her) I'm learning more and more how to deal with these frustrations, rather than backing down. Now to be fair, she has met my husband, and has kind of an idea how he opporates. She is really proud that I am taking the steps I need to to be a better, healthier person. The one thing that I really wanted to address is that the meds I'm on have made me gain back all of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. She told me that a lot of people won't take the meds because of the weight side effects alone, but I'm not willing to risk my family and my kid's futures over some pounds. I'm going to work hard, lose the weight again, and then some, and make it all work. You know what??? Today was a good day!

Starting over... again...

Today is the day I start my new job. I would tell you where, but the handbook they gave me says that I'm not allowed to mention them by name. What I can tell you is that it's a retail entertainment place, and I'm getting paid more than I was at my last job. I know it's totally a crazy time to start a new job in retail, but I really do like working with the general public, I have a good repore with most people and I'm always up for learning something new. I'm excited to because it's the first time that I've had a job where I have a pretty good idea of what's going on because it's an industry that I'm familiar with... very familiar! I'm also more nervous about this job, more so than I have been in the past, maybe it's just because of the holiday season, I don't know. I just know that it's a new beginning, and I'm ready to knock their socks off!
Speaking of doing something new, we went to the food bank last week, and because of the generousity of others we were able to have enough to last us until we get paid again. I can honestly say that I will never again ignore the chance to donate to the food bank, or even toys for tots. My boys mentioned that we went to the food bank to Ebin's gramma, and she has been wonderful, she hasn't said a word about it, but she has been flooding our home with food. I've had friends offer to help with Christmas, and that is amazing. This is the year that I get the opportunity to learn just what it takes to be in the holiday spirit. I don't need gifts, I need to pay attention to the situations around me, and reach down deep to help others. I've never looked at the holidays that way, I've always used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, who I'm not seeing, what I'm missing out on, and falling on hard times for me, has taught me a little bit more about what's important. I have a beautiful family, and a lot of people that care for us, I really can't ask for more than that!
With that I need to get ready for work, so thank you all for caring as much as you do, you make it all worth while!

Just another day in paradise...

I know yesterday I was crying and complaining about my situation, which I'm partially sorry about. After having a little time to think about it, I realized something. There is a need for help for families who make too much to qualify for general assistance, but need temporary help. In the next couple of weeks we won't be able to afford gas, we won't be able to buy groceries, or pay bills, or anything extra at all. I worry that I won't be able to have christmas for my kids, it's like they get punished for the things that are going up in our grown up lives. I wish there was a way to find hidden money, plant the magic money tree, without having to sell stuff or take out a loan that causes just another bill. You know what? If I won the lottery I would set up a grant for say $15,000 dollars that is only to be used for families in situations like ours, and proof has to be given as to what this money is used for. Rent, utilities, car payments, regular bills and food. A fund that can only be accessed when the checking account is at bare minimum. It seems like a great idea, but the honest truth is that I don't even have the dollar to buy the lottery ticket. The only things I have to sell are pretty important to me. I considered selling my kids, but then I wouldn't have anyone to take out the trash. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm still sort of teetering on the verge of insanity, so I let little things get way too big. Today I'm going to spend my time researching all of the outlets I may possibly have, I'm sure there is help out there, I just need to find a way to make it happen. I start my new job in a couple of days and that will really help. So I guess if I find anything that will be of service to us and anyone in the same position, I will post it. For now, Have a happy monday.

So much to fix...

I've spent so long trying to make myself get better that I have completely ignored the things around me that are important, and then I let everything go too far. My bills are so piled up it's not even funny and we don't qualify for any kind of assistance. I don't even know if I can give my kids christmas this year, and it really sucks. John works his ass off and I start a new job this week, but even with both of those I just don't see any kind of hope for the future. It's my own fault, John works and I'm supposed to take care of all the financial stuff and I have managed to just fuck everything up. I am going to the food bank tomorrow, for the first time in my life, in hopes that it will be enough food for us for the next 2 weeks. John is really stressed out, and pretty much ready to kill me over all of this and I can't blame him, not a bit of it is his fault. He does everything he can to make it all work. He works 12 hour days, He works overtime, when he's home he does things around the house, he is everything. I am a huge disappointment, and having my breakdown when I did certainly didn't help. I wish there was a way that I could just change things. That whole winning the lottery thing doesn't seem to be working out, not that I have a dollar to buy a ticket.
It's not just the money either, I seem to be a disappointment to everyone. My kids don't really like me that much these days, everyone looks at me with pity and that hurts too. I'm doing all I can to ignore the way it is, but it's hard, especially when you know that there is so much to be said behind your back. That girl that seemed like she had it all figured out is a total and complete mess. She has sunk her family so low that there is really no way out at this point. I'm so sad right now. I feel like if I fall any more the whole world is going to colapse. Now don't freak out, I'm not having another breakdown, in fact it's the sanity that's making me realize what a mess things are. I'm sure John's only going to take so much more before he decides he's had enough. I already can't win with him, nothing seems to go right, if it was me I would have run away a long time ago. He loves me, and I know that, but he's never really happy with me. Anyway, I'm just rambling because I can, hopefully tomorrow I can find a way to make this all better, otherwise we won't even have a home at christmas. Time to get my shit together.

No sleep for mama...

This is going to be a long ass night. I got Ebin into the doctor today who (in spite of me telling him that a cold is never just a cold for this kid) sent him home with the herbal tea and honey prescription. It seems to be working out very well, I have just cleaned up night 2 of barf, the only sound that can be heard throughout the house is Ebin's old man cough, and I will be awake for the whole night in the living room watching sappy movies and hoping that Ebin will stop long enough for the 2 of us to at least catch a nap. Of course if the stupid ass doctor would have just listened to me instead of blowing me off like I couldn't possibly know how my son's immune system works, we might both be sleeping right now, instead of me having the sound of a barking seal resonating through my house. I am so painfully tired, and stressed and at my wits end and all I can do is muster all of the patience I have to try to keep this poor kid comfortable. And I fear that John or I will get sick, then we're all screwed. I have an interview at Hastings tomorrow, and I need to get some sleep, or it is going to turn into a big slobbery mess. I must sleep, I must sleep, I must.... nope. He's going to miss day number 3 of school, which means makeup work for days. Uuuugh, I wish there was a bright side, but at the moment all I can think about is it being 1:05 am, and knowing that I have kids to worry about in just a couple hours.
Also I promised myself that I would go back on my diet tomorrow, work out, all that good stuff. I wonder how many hours of sleep it takes to care about whether or not I'm fat. John has been really supportive, we managed to reverse diet roles, he's doing amazing and I'm doing nothing, it's silly. It just seems like everytime I start to get myself back in order there is some kind of roadblock. And my coping skills have been shit the last couple months. So guess who Jamie's new best friend is again.... food. Stupid stupid wonderful food. But I will talk about all of that tomorrow. For now I'm going to lay down on the couch and get some sleep. Wish us luck!

Sigh....

As I write this I'm listening to Ebin cough his poor little head off. There is no good way to stop it, we've done breathing treatments, but the poor kid's lungs are just hashed. The other 2 boys are sick too, but I have the comfort of knowing that it will most likely move on in a day or 2. With Ebin it's weeks, and that's if I'm lucky. I hate being so powerless in cases like this. I expect it, but there is never a good solution, so off to the doc we go tomorrow, in hopes that the first round of antibiotics will work. I would trade him if I could. It sucks being sick, but I would take being sick over hearing my baby cough so hard with no immediate resolutions. Night's of sleep lost and days of school and activities missed, and this poor little guy losing weight that he can't afford to lose. It is just not fair I tell you! We should have a magical feel better fairy. Put your cold under your pillow and wake up feeling well and heck maybe get a couple bucks out of the deal. Hey maybe that's the business I should start up. Break into peoples houses and steal kids yuckies. Something to think about.
I'm supposed to think about things that I would like to do when I grow up. Boy that is a really big question for me, I've been in the people pleasing business for so long that I guess all of the things that I may have wanted out of life have gone by the wayside. (including my weightloss... I'm really pissed at myself over that) But I have spent some time thinking about this today, and there are so many people that do the whole self help thing that it made me think that maybe I should start whoring myself out to companies to teach customer service skills. I'm like a customer service superstar. I've had people ask specifically to work with me in places that are corporate, and don't generally allow for customers to remember people by name, even though they wear nametags! I'm a born people pleaser, which my therapist has said can be a huge problem (like I haven't noticed) but John was there to hear it too, and he has again surprised me by just doing some of those little things that I felt obligated to do, by himself. But what if one of my greatest weaknesses is one of my greatest talents, and I should utilize that. I have a feeling I could really help, especially with the younger set of kids who's daddy made them get a job. They have the personality skills of a guy who just got busted eating a raw cow in front of PETA. (I use this reference because I would totally do it... but cooked) I think that using my strong suit to make more than 8 dollars an hour would be smart. I just need to figure out how to do it. I love to talk, I love to write, and yet there is is big fat blinding wall stopping me from doing just what I know could be my big fat cash cow! My goal for this week.... find a way to make the first step.
I know this is off the subject, but while I'm writing, Tiff, I hope it all went well, you have worked so hard and you totally deserve it!

As the daylight died on a summertime suicide....

Ok, calm down it's a lyric from a song, that happens to be stuck in my head. Although I'm not going to lie, I don't feel fantastic. It doesn't help that my sister is like locked in her cage of wishing for non-exhistence. She's been my rock for a while now, and I have recently... in the last couple day's realized that you can't expect someone who is mentally ill help you with your mental illness. It hurts and it's scary, because lately she has been the only on who understands me and all the stupid shit I'm going through. For some reason my downfall has inadvertantly led to hers. This is a girl who only a year ago I would have said I would never talk to. She has become the person that I could not be more thankful for. We do, however, have days like these last 2 that make me feel like I'm taking advantage, and that I am putting my needs first. You couldn't have paid me to say that I would ever be close to my sister, I would have been possibly close to my brother, but that didn't work out either. It makes me sad and honestly hurt that I can't have a conversation with my brother. Having my sister back is like a gift. We are from a Huge family that seems to just click. However myself and my siblings can't find a middle ground. Whenever 2 of us get along the other one is completely shunned. I have to admit, my brother did reach out and try to make contact with me, but because I pissed his wife off so bad, I chose not to call.
I want the world to know that I'm trying with every fiber of my being to make this life better for my family, and the reason that my brother's wife hates me is perfectly acceptable, and I deserve it, but it's been a year and I have made so many changes. I would love to be able to joke and goof off with him, but I can't. As of now I have Cyndi here, who I could easily put in the same "screw my family" boat, but she has been the best thing I coud ask for in a long long time.
I went to the hospital, I was finally diagnosed as being human, and I have one blood relative that know's it. I'm so sorry Paul wasn't here, he's my humor outlet, but having Cyndi here really has helped save my sanity and my family. My kids adore her, Logan is excelling like I couldn't have ever imagined. Now it's time for me to step in and play the part.... whew...

Wow, I can eff everything up

So it's 10:36 and I'm explaining to Wyatt just why his dad's new job is ok. This poor kid has been shuffled enough in his formative years that he feels anxiety like I do. That's not fair, he's having nightmares about his dad working in a different town than Missoula. I don't know if that means he's scared he's going to not see people he loves, or what, but this is a sort of pain that I can totally feel, but not fully understand. I had 2 parents for the majority of my life, and they worked different shifts, but they were always there, no travel time, no space in between, just a one parent at a time sort of thing. One of my biggest trials throughout my parenthood has been keeping the balance between Damon and I. I know that I have mentioned before that we get along great. He has a wonderful girlfriend, and he is the best dad he can possibly be from a distance. He just started a new job, and poor Wyatt is having nightmares about his dad. That just about kills me, I know what it's like to have nightmares about your dad, I have them all the time. I take meds to NOT have those dreams. My baby, my first baby, he means so much to me, and to see him cry because he is so worried about his dad absolutely kills me. He is such an amazing, talented, smart kid, and he spends so much time worrying about what's going on with his father that he doesn't utilize any of that talent, and it's all my fault. I know this, and of course I stress out about it, but whether he likes it or not, Wyatt has started to fit in in Billings, just like I have. It's not the same as home, but things are starting to come together. I had my setback that scared everyone, and in that I realize that I have spent so much time worrying about being in a place I don't want to be that I haven't even attempted to get a chance. I miss home, but I'm here and it's time to grow up and make it work for us. I just need to find a way to make my Wyatt understand that it's not nearly as bad as we want it to be. The moral here is that the only way I can make the changes we need is for me to make it happen. Wyatt has so much of my personality, and takes so much from the way I act, that if I can just find happiness he will too. I really spent the last 2 years bitching about my situation here that I have never given it a chance (however you will never change my mind about the zone. those assholes suck) It took me being in an institution type of situation and meeting some of the most amazing people I've ever met to realize just how lucky I am.
In light of all this I have been seeing a therapist, who I love, and she really asks me questions that I really have never considered. John has to come with me on tuesday, and I really do look forward to it. We have this mixed family, and John often feels like a bully even though I don't think he is. He considers Wyatt as one of his own, and true to form Wyatt considers him a nuisance. John really loves Wyatt, and when they get along it's amazing, but then the time comes that Wyatt compares John to his own dad, and that's where the problems start. I hate it. I feel so torn apart, because they really do have a lot of the same interests, and they do get along in the right circumstances. When those things don't work out, I feel like I'm on the torture stretcher. He hates him, he's pissed about this, he feels his space is violated, he blah blah blah blah. When the fuck does anyone say "Mom are you ok?" Only when I shut down. The only people that really notice I'm ready to blow are my sister, my mom, and Ebin's gramma. All Women, all knowing that things get overwhelming very quickly. John tries really hard, but with his work schedule he can't deal with as much as I do. Having Cyndi here is a Miracle! I know that to John she feels like a burden, but I can honestly say that without her I would go even crazier. I hate that I need help, but I do. She had grown into an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call her sister. I just hope I can live up to the same label.