A little history...

I'm sure that when I was a kid I was a pretty happy one, my parents loved us and worked very hard to make sure we were well taken care of. Of course this was all after the death of my wife beating sperm donor of a father. Yeah, I've spent the last 28 years feeling like my life as an adult would be dependant on being nothing like that horrible man. I really have no contact with his side of the family even, by choice on both sides I believe, as I'm pretty sure they resented the fact that my mom got married to my dad and he adopted us. I have memories of some strange things from those first couple of years of my life. One was good, the rest would terrify a normal adult, and you know what, I'm going to go ahead and share some of that. (I'm sorry mom, but this needs to be done)
I was never abused or molested by this man, or anyone in his family, but I vividly remember him hitting my mom for buying the wrong kind of pot pies. I remember a lamp being thrown, and a rifle being pointed directly at my mom and I. I remember feeling tense a lot, and hiding in a big green chair that we used to have. I remember the night he died and feeling so scared that I wasn't going to have a family anymore. The police officer tried to teach me how to whistle in the car ride to my gramma's just to keep my mind off of all of it, then we got to my gramma's and everyone was crying, and although I knew what was going on, I was way too young to understand.
That's just sort of the quick rundown, I have 1 good memory, but oddly enough everyone in that memory is dead but me, and about 2 weeks ago I could easily have joined them. I could have left my kids with a lifetime of wondering if it was their fault that I was gone. Not my smartest move, that's for damned sure! I can't imagine my kids being my age and having such strong feelings about me being gone, I know the way it hurts, and I know how it feels to hate someone that isn't even there. That whole forgive and forget thing doesn't work that way!
Now that I'm home I feel like I need to start a different routine. I'm excited to get things going again, but maybe part of the reason I was struggling so much is because I've left myself wide open for failure. Maybe it's because of all the unanswered questions from when I was little, or maybe I'm just really lazy, I have no idea. I do know that it takes a lot for me to really stay involved in something and it has caused problems in every thing I've ever started. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I did need to let it out there, because if I don't then I leave myself open to stay exactly the same. There is only so much medication can do, I have to be willing to open myself up and at the very least accept the things in my past that have always been pushed to the back of my mind.
While I was in the unit, I met a really nice girl about my age, we'll call her Becky. Becky was checked in because she had a breakdown and chased her hubby down with a 2 by 4, ripped a door off of it's hinges, and had she been left to finish what she started, she probably would have killed someone! Now this girl is little, she might weigh 110 soaking wet, and has the sweetest personality I've ever seen, my mom totally fell in love with her, but it just goes to show that anyone can fall into sadness and pain, hell, really. (yes I don't believe in hell, I'm using it metaphorically). She really helped my realize that beauty is something that we all have and we can easily lose track of, so my goal for today is to not dwell on the past, and just make the absolute best out of everything that I have. I may not have much money, but I'm the richest woman alive.