Reaching...

I can honestly say that I'm happy I'm back to writing, but why the hell am I having such a hard time finding things to talk about. I'm really uninspired, so perhaps the gray cloud of funk hasn't quite passed. The kids are ok, not really much to report there, well except that Wyatt told me that he likes the word "biz-oobs" because it sounds like "biz-oobies". It doesn't matter how serious I'm supposed to be with these kids, I have a totally immature sense of humor, and boobs make me laugh, as well as any of the other disgusting, boys only, taboo, no-no bodily functions. I'm glad these guys are boys, I wouldln't have clue one what to do with a girl. Except fight, because we all know that if I did have one she would be just like me, and that's something this world doesn't need to see! Wyatt's enough like me that we butt heads (I said butt) if he was a girl, I'd probably be in prison, or a full blown alcoholic, either way I would be of no use to anyone!
Did you know that Sunday is Mother's Day? I just realized that yesterday, and it occured to me yesterday, when the kids were telling me all about their super secret school art projects that they are not supposed to talk about... These kids couldn't keep a secret if they tried, but it works out well in the lying department, because transparacy is my friend... :) Who knows how long that's going to last, but I intend to take advantage as long as I can. One of the latest tricks these kids like to pull is teaming up in lies when they do something wrong, what they don't know is I can piece almost anything together in a matter of seconds, yes I'm just that good! So far this week is pretty good, which means the next showdown will be a whopper.
I don't really know what the point of all that was, part venting, part rambling I suppose. I think about things like that and it makes me crazy, but to be honest in the grand scheme of things, they are incredibly good kids. They don't get physical with one another like I did with my siblings, and they help eachother out when they really need it. Oh gosh, was that a silver lining??? I guess so! I'll be damned!
Quick subject change, I want to wish my parents a happy anniversary, did you know that I proposed to my mom for my dad? Well we all did, but I was 5, and I truly only remember me doing it. I'm really lucky to have such wonderful parents, so Happy Anniversary, and I couldn't love you more!

Rollercoaster...

I hate not really knowing how to feel. Watching Undercover Boss lastnight, waiting for the emotional ending, and it's interupted by a news brief that that well known asshole piece of shit, bin laden is dead. I had to deal with pissed off kids for 10 minutes, because they wanted to see the ending too, but that's neither here nor there. Within seconds people were announcing all over facebook, the news, and within minutes, the conspiracy theories were coming out. Come on, really???? Can't we just enjoy this small victory for a little while? I'm not saying don't question it, but think of the people that were involved. Our own service members who had to (successfully) try to live through what was destined to be an ugly fire fight. Soapbox Jamie just wants everyone to take a day, take some time to live in the glory of the moment. I'm not celebrating the death of a human, but the death of what that 1 person represents. Our entire country is so deeply effected my fear that having that one little victory may prove to band us all together, if only for a little while. President Obama did the right thing at the right moment, and I can honestly say that I am proud of him, I'm proud of our military, and I really don't want to see this made into an issue about lies, or god, or anything like that. Enjoy this small amount of sunshine in a time when we are all looking for any in the gray clouds of financial and economical despair, and in a couple days if you still aren't satisfied, start your rants!
Ok, back to business. It was a tough day for Wyatt yesterday. He is the one going through the rollercoaster of emotions right now. He loves me, and he hates me. He loves and idolizes his Dad, and because Ebin gets to see his Dad more, I think he resents John a little (although on Johns last trip home he actually sort of warmed up, which was really really nice.) I have Wyatt talking to his counselor at school once a week, and his Dad did have a talk with him about his attitude toward myself and John. I really appreciated that, I need that backup. I know I whine about being alone with the kids, but they are pre-pubesant boys, and if I didn't know better I would think they were fully equipped with little estrogen factories... Bitch and moan, bicker and fight, blah blah blah. They're like 2 monkeys fighting over 1 banana all the time, so having the extra referees is really great! Hillary Clinton was the one that said it takes a village to raise a child, and I can say that I do believe that, it just so happens that my village is a blended family of carnies and circus freaks! We run the gammut of religious and social beliefs, and yet we have all found a way to make it work. And fairly peacfully I might add! I just wish there was more I could do to take away Wyatt's hurt, but I think for now I have struck a fairly good balance. So today is for him, and his brothers! (And America-f*ck yeah!)

Ok, ok, I'll do it... :)

So, as far as I can tell it's been about 6 weeks since I spent any time on my blog, and I have had quite a few people ask if I'm going to write, or loudly spell it out on my facebook wall (thanks Tiff!) and for my absence I appologize. In all honesty I have been lazy, if not falling back into my old habits. Depression really rears it's ugly head with me every now and then, but after John was home this last time I realized just how important it is to stay on top of myself. For the first time ever, I was honestly afraid that I had ruined the relationship I have with this wonderful man. I am incredibly lucky, and I managed to put all of that on the back burner so that I could spend my days moping vvb and feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm starting to get back on track, and now it's time to take into consideration my other responsiblities. I didn't realize just how cathartic writing this blog has been for me. I think the void that has been there for so many years was finally being filled, I found something that I really love to do, and I nearly threw it all away. So starting today, May 1st, I'm going to try to get back into my routine and just keep going with this. I have too much to say to just sit around my house in silence.
On that note, let's recap: I went to Butte for St. Pat's and it was pretty much the most epic drunk I've ever had. Yes I said drunk... very very unapologetically drunk. The next day was the Korn concert, the day that I swore I was going to drive because I drank faaaar too much the day before. All bet's were off when I saw all of my Missoula friends that I miss so badly. Thank you Maria for taking the reigns on that one, I was a total mess!!! I had such an incredible weekend with my cousins and friends that when I got home I was totally sad, and it was kind of the beginning of my near total colapse. I was sent back to the place I was in before I was pregnant with Logan, the place that was more fun than I had ever had in my life. Surrounded by my friends, out enjoying myself, and really not caring what happened next. It felt so good that coming home to all of my lonliness and responsiblities seemed like a step down. *imagine whistling noise* Downward spiral my friends, and I may have felt almost worse than before I even started to take care of myself. (which, by the way, I have lost 30 lbs!) My kids didn't like me much, or I them for that matter, and when John came home I was so relieved, I was almost on a super high until right before he left, then I just shut down. Fear of being alone I suppose, of being left here with just the kids and no hope in sight, but when I was at my worst, John was at his best, and he said some things that really resonated with me. He encouraged me to talk to someone (he has before, but I have always put it off) encouraged me to get out and actually do something with myself, because just going to the gym wasn't cutting it anymore. So I have seen a therapist, once, and he really didn't have much to say, other than I'm perfectly normal, all of these feelings are things that most people feel in my situation, they are just amplified by the depression, and considering family history, maybe we should look deeper into the type of depression I have, maybe it isn't as cut and dry as I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, I have some other issues that I have spent my whole life trying to forget, or being angry about that I have never really addressed them. It was like watching puzzle pieces fall into place, one by one. So my little puzzle universe is certainly far from complete, but I feel like the outward edges are coming together, and now I can start to build from the inside, one piece at a time. Its a pretty big relief to be honest, I really did think that I was crazy. So I have to thank John for all of the support he gives me, and the love. I have to thank my friends for reading all of this, and keeping on me to keep going, and I have to thank my kids, whom without, there would be no me! So I got that all out of my system and I promise when I write again I will fill it with some actual stories, and all of my awesomeness... (yes, after St. Pat's, I am OFFICIALLY awesome, even have the tshirt to prove it!!!!)

Kinda scary...

Wow, what a night the whole entire earth had. I woke up at 1 am, to turn off the tv, and instead I was greeted with the news of a horrifying earthquake, tsunamis, death and distruction, with more looming in the very near future. I realize that I tend to be excitable, I blow things out of proportion, but I am honest about the sickness I felt when I saw it. A former roommate and very good friend lives in Japan, he and his wife recently had a baby, which on its own is stressful,I can't imagine the terror they all felt. Every ounce of my heart goes out to all the families affected by this tragedy. I did find out that my friend and his family are ok, which is fantastic, but it doesn't lessen the fact that an island the size of California has, in 1 short day, been completely changed. Not that there is a way to stop an earthquake, but one could only wish for a way to make this devestation a little easier on the people involved, that they may find their loved ones, and have the opportunity to rebuild their lives.
It is events like this that make people look inside and take stock in their priorities, or at least that's the way it works for me. I have so many fears for the future of myself and my family. I have spent years letting those fears cripple me against achieving things that I am so capable of. I worry about everything from whether my alarm will go off to whether or not I'm good enough for my own husband and kids. Change is always difficult, and all of my own recent changes become daunting tasks that I will surely never be able to complete, and I get bummed out and act like a big fat spoiled little snot. Seeing what I saw happening in the world made me reflect on just how good I have it, and from now on I'm going to look for the little sunshine spots in my day and make the most of them, and use that energy to realize some of those forgotten dreams. Maybe show the kids that actually LIVING the precious days a person has on this earth, is so much more fulfilling than just being alive. I'm on the right path, I suppose it takes a few wrong turns before you look at the map, and its a map that I have to make myself. I guess I had better invest in some crayons and paper...

Week 2: Positive outcomes only... right???

Hi! Hiiiiiii! (Picture me waving like a mental patient.) I have been lazy about writing, but I have to do this from my phone, so please bear with me! You will???? Oh you are the awesomest! So good news today, I'm currently exceding my gym goal of 2 lbs a week, I have managed to lose an extra pound both weeks. Hooray!!! It was wonderful having John home, he really helped me get motivated again, mixed with our fun little competition, and the great luck we had finding a trainer, and I feel like a brand new person. My "baby fat" is shrinking, I can officially see my feet without moving the continental divide out of the way! I can now tell that all of my pants are not only too short, but too stinkin big! I know its not a lot of weight, but the difference in how I feel is immeasurable. I have an addictive type of personality, and going to the gym has become my outlet for that, I get my fix, I get aggression out, and I am losing this weight! I honestly just expected to wake up one morning skinny, but, much like high school, I have learned that hard work really pays off! The kids are saying I'm happier too, I have even invited one of Ebins friends for a sleepover! That's huuuuuge. I've always considered bars to be general recreational activity, but now that I'm going to the gym almost daily, I realize that just being in my own space for an hour is the one big thing I have needed all this time! (John, from the very depths of my soul, thank you!) I am going to keep it short here because the phone isn't exactly "writer friendly", but I do want to say this: I will be in Butte for St. Pats, if you want an autograph... ha ha, who am I kidding??? Anyway if you want to see me, there is a good possiblity that I will be passed out somewhere, I've been really good, and I can't wait to spend a weekend with my cousins, embarrassing the shit outta myself... I'm very good at that!

First week down...

I decided to spend the last few days with my family. John left this morning, and I really just wanted to try to enjoy that time, unlike the last few times when I was more depressed, and the last few days were always filled with me being super-bitch because I resented the fact that I am with the kids alone. Yep, that's really fair. The worst part is that I would be a jerk to him, be angry, and have no clue why! That seems like a good basis for a healthy relationship, but I guess changing is going to take all parts of myself, good and bad! I spent so much time worrying about myself, that I couldn't see those last couple days are just as hard on him, and I was only making it worse for both of us. The difference this time is that my head is on a little straighter this time. We had a really wonderful time, we went bowling, we ate pizza, and ice cream, and threw all caution to the wind, and it was really great. I think that while he was home this timewe found something healthy to do together, and the combination of that, mixed with the fact that I now have something constructive to look foward to that occurs outside of the house, and sans kids, really improved my overall demeanor. Don't be fooled by the man behind the curtain though, I have a lot of personality to improve upon. I'm only saying it was easier to cope this time, hopefully there will be a vast improvement for the next time he's home, so that all can be wonderful. He's very patient with me, and I don't always deserve it, but he is just awesome!
Tomorrow I go see my trainer, but I managed to skip the last couple days to spend time with the fam, and I ate like a pig, and I have been sitting around all day trying to figure out a way to go to the gym tonight, or at least have a good excuse for not going... I'm so lame I just can't! So on that note, I'm going to bed. I know this is short, but for the next month I don't have a computer, so the phone is my communication tool! Hooray technology!

Fit Challenge: Days 1 & 2

Ooooooh it's March, that means so many damned things, 1) John goes back to Alaska, 2) Ebin's birthday (he IS a young adult now, just ask him!) 3) A full weekend with my cousins, and friends and music and St. Patrick's day wonderment, 4) Last but not least, the challenge! I can tell you, I'm not normally a competative person, but allow me to explain the relationship I have with my friend who is the other party in this fitness madness. We have been friends since 1st grade, I think. Our birthday's are within a couple of days of eachother, and through grade school we were together all the time. We both wanted to be the best and smartest and prettiest, but I just didn't have the kind of passion that she did. While she worked hard and had goals, I just sort of skated by, and by middle school we had grown apart. That passion has helped her reach her goal of being a lawyer, which is something she wanted even as a kid. I have to admit, I always wanted to prove that I could do as well as her, but I guess I've spent the majority of my adult life scared of what I didn't know. How silly is that, now I realize that I have always been capable of reaching whatever I want, I just had to make an effort, and she has become pretty much my biggest ally (aside from my husband, of course!) in all of this new stuff I'm trying to accomplish. She has given me great advice, and really was the one that gave me the idea to start writing. Who knew that all these years later, it would all come full circle, and I would have the good fortune of gaining an old friend back! So we were talking in the middle of February, and decided that we both needed some extra motivation to move, and we came up with this idea. Why not exercise, and keep track of time, calories burned, miles, etc. whatever we have access to information about, and compare notes at the end of the week, then at the end of the month, whoever has the best numbers will earn a prize from the other person! Sounds like a plan to me, in fact I even told my trainer, and he was stoked. I'm really excited about this, I feel like there is no time like the present to really challenge myself, and whether or not I win, I'm fine with it, because I will have accomplished something good!
Yesterday was the first day, March 1st, and wouldn't you know it, I was so effin achy yesterday that I had no desire to go to the gym. I really didn't think I could do it, but John is wonderful, and he pushed me (mostly because I told him to make me) and ultimately I went. I'm glad I did too, because once I actually started moving, all of that feeling cruddy went away, and the motivation showed up. I really think that had I skipped lastnight, today would have been awful when I saw my trainer. He already promised he was going to kick my ass, and he definately lived up to that promise. What a pumpkin he is... I actually asked him if anyone has ever hit him, poor kid, I hope he knows I'm just playing when I say stuff like that! His answer was pretty good, he said no, but a lot of people had wanted to! Fair enough! I'm really glad we decided to hire him, he's really fantastic, and even though I've only had a couple sessions, it's amazing how much better I feel already! Sore has become just a part of day to day activities, and not something that stops me from functioning, but instead something that helps motivate me by reminding me how hard I have already worked! I love the gym, I love that I get some time alone to do my own thing, I love that I'm already feeling stronger, and in hindsight, I should have done this years ago! I'm really pleased with my first day of the challenge, and I'm really excited to compare notes, and I'm also excited that my cousin's wife (who is a total doll face!) is going to do it with us! 3 people, 3 different parts of the country, and we are all working toward the same goal! Oh internet, you are a fabulous power when left in the hands of the right people!