Time flies...

I have never in my life felt like such crap. Over the last few weeks I have had this crazy lung thing going on, and I can't believe how rundown I feel. I just today, worked out for the first time in a couple weeks, and I made it less than 20 minutes. That sucks bad dude... (I miss Wyatt, borrowed dude from him.) I am, as of this morning, 8lbs heavier than I was a few weeks ago, and I had already plateaued there. I kind of feel like I gave up hope altogether. Ok, not really, I just let the ship take on a little water, and it is all centered in the front... Only 8lbs and I feel sick about myself! Fact is I would love to go workout, and have that precious hour to myself, but I can't breathe, it hurts so bad, especially when I'm tired!!! This infection crap is for the birds, and I feel bad because I simply don't have the energy to do all the things that I would like to do, I mean John is officially home! I would love nothing more than to make the house nice, and make dinners nice, and just make it peaceful while he settles into home life, but I just feel shitty. (yes Mom, I am calling the doc on monday!) Wyatt got this garbage too, but he ended up in the hospital, and not here, with me, where I am comfortable, and I can see him, and snuggle him, but with his dad who is 5 hours away. Don't get me wrong, he couldn't be in better hands, that's not the issue. The issue is that I can't be there with my baby, when he needs me. Imagine my surprise when I found out he has asthma, and that was the real problem... How in the hell did I not know this??? I mean, I'm with him all the time, you would think that by 9 years old I would have seen some sign that he may have it. You would think that I would not be so selfish as to ignore the one thing about my amazing boy that really needed attention, especially since his step-brother has asthma, and I know what to look for with him! I really don't know how I missed it, but I will spend my life making up for it. He is so amazing, and I hope this is the only time I have to worry this way! His dad was awesome about it too, kept me informed, sent pics, and even had the doc call me to keep me accurately updated. I couldn't be more thankful that Wyatt's dad and I have been able to maintain a healthy relationship. At any rate, the little guy is fine, still some issues to deal with, but collectively we will all make sure he is fine!!! Hooray big people!
Have I ever mentioned that I have a wonderful husband? Why, yes sir (or ma'am, calm down feminist) I have this wonderful husband, and as of tomorrow, he will have been my husband for one whole year!!!! (gasp! cough!wheeze... just this lung thing, calm down!) He has really made me feel like a lucky woman. He gets me, we get eachother, which, to be honest is a little scary seeing as how neither one of us is balanced in the least! We laugh at eachother, we fight with eachother, and we just take care of eachother. We have found a way to meet in the middle, even though in a lot of ways we are so vastly different. We have found ways to support eachother, even when we weren't sure how, we have found ways to love eachother when we weren't sure how. We honestly love eachother, in spite of ourselves, and through all that my friends, I have found happiness. In our odd little, definately not normal way, we have found a way to love eachother, (including family and friends!) and i can truly say I'm happy. I write this now, while John is at the gym and I am feeling like shit... Through sickness and in health... Happy 1st Anniversary baby!!!! Thank you for this beautiful, crazy life! I love you!!!!!

Falling off the wagon...

One thing I have never really been good at is completing anything. I have quit or backed off of every single endeavor to better myself that I have ever started, from band in grade school, all the way up to this very blog. You may be asking yourself "why would Jamie stop things like that? She is so ________ (insert positive adjective here) you would think she would be inclined to make it known that she is even more sparkling than we all believe..." Ok, maybe that was a little over the top, but I can read minds, so I just wrote down what you were thinking. But, alas my friends, I am a quitter. 6 months ago I was so motivated, so ready to change my life for the better, and now here I am, slowly letting myself fall back in to old habits. A little more than 2 weeks ago I weighed 35 lbs less than when I started all of this, I felt pretty good, my self esteem was doing not as well as I would like, but it wasn't bad. My birthday was awesome, I was surrounded by family, and friends and I partied like a rockstar. John came home the next night, and things were really looking up. Then without warning everything fell apart. I have been falling back into depression for a while, but it sort of swallowed me alive all at once. The combination of my kids going off to their respective summer homes, me getting older, John changing jobs, and contracting pneumonia reared it's ugly head. CONFESSION TIME! I have been a total glutton for the last couple weeks, and all that time that I spent losing weight, I undid a third of it in a very short matter of time. I had been stuck at around 190 for about a month, it was my own fault because I was cheating on a regular basis, but the last couple weeks have been all about stuffing my face with as much crap as I could find. Crackers, chips, chocolate, fat, fat and more fat. I wasn't even doing it because I wanted to, it was at least 85% emotional eating, coupled with being sick and not being able to stick it out at the gym because I'm way too exhausted from being sick and depressed. So why, you may ask, have I come to my senses now? Well, yesterday I went to see the doctor for the second time in a week to try to shake this stupid pneumonia, and she mentioned that I had stayed the same weight since the last time I saw her, 3 months ago. Truth be told, I just gained ten pure-fat pounds in the last 2 weeks, my blood pressure is up, which she said could be because I'm sick, but I really think that gaining so much in such a short amount of time may have contributed to it. I see the vicious cycle starting over again, depression leading to weight-gain, leading to depression, leading to weight-gain. Luckily I have this really wonderful husband who, inspite of me, is willing to hang on and be supportive, no matter what. He hasn't said a word about how I look, because he knows that it would only be painful coming from him at this point in time. After speaking to the doctor yesterday, I talked with him about it, and he said that he was glad that I had other reinforcement, because he didn't want to hurt me. Believe it or not, that was one of the nicest things he could have said to me at the time, and all at once I realized that if I don't shape up, I'm only putting myself in the position to lose it all. Not because I think that if I gain the weight back he would leave me, but because I know how I function, and I would be more angry, less inclined to do anything at all, and in the end not really worth much to anyone. I can't do that to him, and I certainly can't do that to my boys, and most of all, I can't do that to myself. When I started this whole healthy lifestyle thing my emotions were pretty fragile, the only reason that I didn't try to kill myself was because I knew that my kids would be alone, and ultimately seperated, and that was the last thing that I could have wanted for them. I was only about a step away from even caring about that, and how I feel now isn't all that far off from those feelings. The moral of the story here folks, is that I need to shape my shit up! I felt so incredible for a while there, and now that I fell off the wagon I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out by some dirty dark monster. No more I tell you!!! I'm going to win this battle if it kills me, and the knowlege that I will live longer for my family, for myself is going to be the ultimate motivation. NO MORE FATTY McFATFAT!

Wrinkles!!!!

I know, I'm totally the person who just loves to bitch, I'm fully aware that I do it all the time, I'm sure I can help it if I try, but why bother, it's kinda my thing? I bitch about things that I will laugh off in public, I complain about money, health, kids, just about whatever I can think of and I certainly have no problem bitching about myself. So officially today is my turn for the hot seat. I feel pretty accomplished in the amount of weight that I have lost so far, and I really enjoy working out, in fact, my trainer is going to teach me how to box, just for something fun to do. I've never been in a fight in my life, and I really have no intention, but I feel like it's something that I really need to learn, I want my biceps to look good too! My issue is that my body is NOT 23 anymore, I had this vision in my head of how marvelous I would look if I just tried, what's killing me now is the wrinkles and strechmarks that were recently being hidden by malted hops and saturated fat. I have forehead wrinkles, one of the boys asked me if it was a scar! I didn't really think that I would have to deal with this, of course a couple years ago I didn't think I would be dealing with the few gray hairs I had either, and now I don't dare not have my hair dyed! (see the good thing about that is that I love doing silly stuff with my hair anyway, so it's an easy trade off.) I have to wonder how many people look at me and give me the "you're too old to look like that" stare. I'm guilty of doing it too, we all are, but truly I reserve it for women who are obviously competing with their 25 year old daughter for a boys attention. (You don't wear a bikini to the grocery store when it's 58 degrees and rainy out.) This whole train of thought makes me realize even more that one of the things I'm really best at doing is finding something to be unhappy about. I'm going to be 32 in about a week, of course I have wrinkles, and I was signifigantly overweight with both of my pregnancies, of course losing weight is going to make stretch marks look weird, that's life. Truth is I don't do much with my skin, I'm not a lotion and potion person, but I think at this point in life I need to be. I am finally becoming happier with the shape of my body, and I certainly don't expect to be super model gorgeous, maybe the best thing I can do is start a little pampering, huh? Maybe have someone else do my hair on occasion, or even get my nails done and invest in some olay stuff. The kind of ironic thing is that I have enough make-up for about six Las Vegas hookers, and I do just pile that shit on, but I looooove eyeshadow, and I think I would pay money to have someone show me how to do a good smokey eye without looking like the drunk toddler in a clown family put it on me! So you see in all of my self loathing, I can still manage to put down a couple of goals! I'll be damned...
Next thing is I'm about to be nearly childless for the summer. What the hell am I going to do with myself??? I'm going to have to find a sitter, cuz I am going to need to work out like 5 hours a day just to average out all the running I do. I won't need a ton of groceries, I may even be able to go vegetarian for the summer, lose another 15 or 20 lbs. Maybe I'll go stay with my cousin, I don't know, I'm not nearly as good at making plans for just myself. Oooooh I'm going to find a job. Truth be told I've been looking, but billings really isn't an easy place to find a day time job, and it's not like I can leave Logan alone at night!!! Who knows, maybe I'll find a band or something... a life, whoa, I just blew my own mind!

Lucky I can remember my own name...

One thing anyone close to me knows for sure is that at some point in the near future, I WILL do something to embarass myself, and probably in front of, or to someone I know. In the last week I have run in to not one, but three (count 'em) THREE people that have said hi to me and been excited to see me, and I have no damned clue who they are. People I have known for years... I look right at them and smile and say hi and act excited and then ask "who are you???" I don't know why this is my week for it, I don't even really know anyone in this town, or so I thought, but I also really don't keep track of a lot of people, so I feel within my rights to be blunt when I ask. I mean who knows, it could be someone that I may or may not have had a sorted past with, and perhaps I would like to pretend like I don't remember.... there are children around.... So, if by any chance, you happen to be one of these people, I really do appologize, I promise that trick wasn't just reserved for you!
Next we must touch on the subject of music. Oooooh I'm a music snob, and a couple days ago I got to see 2 bands that I LOOOOOVE one of which is at the total top of my music snob list! But my list isn't what made this particular show so special. Wyatt has been the (2nd) biggest Foo Fighters fan since he was little. He used to say he was going to be a rockstar like Dave Grohl when he grows up, and he is still dreaming of it. John and I decided to take the older boys to see The Foo Fighters with us, and I can honestly say as far as the show went, it was amazing, and being able to spend that time with Wyatt and seeing his face when he got to hear his favorite songs, that was so incredible!!! This is the first concert in years that I have gone to and been honestly sober the whole time, that was wild! I actually remember the concert this time! The other band we went to see is Motorhead, one of the most influential metal bands in the world, and an absolute dream for me. Lemmy is like my drunk, not really attractive, smoking, old man crush! He's just cool as shit. So John suggested that we get some paint pens, and paint the car windows, and we did. The sides had the Foo Fighters logo and "Foo or bust", and on the back window I wrote "Lemmy is my dad", took pictures, and sent them off to my buddy Angel. They then got posted on The Blaze facebook page. I thought that was pretty cool, we were just having fun, but then we saw people taking pictures of it at Hooters, which makes me wonder how many other people took pics! Then yesterday on the way home, I was told that Lemmy's camp wanted to use the photo, and wanted to know who to credit!!!! HOLY SHIT! That's me!!!!!! You know what this means don't you??? This is the stuff that groupies dream of, minus the blow jobs! I get to possibly be a small part of the history of Motorhead, and the memory of the most amazing show I've ever been to will live on forever, somewhere!
Oh, and more good news on the homefront... We all survived the rapture without too many problems! Of course I wouldn't be going anywhere, but you would think the kids could go... but had they gone, I suppose the Foo Fighters would have been more drunk and less memorable. I really can't understand how so many perfectly intellegent people could give away their life savings to help spread the good word, then when it's time for the big guy to make good on some promises, it's a no go... Sorry folks, it appears as if the bus to the promised land was delayed, but may be a little closer in 5 months, so go ahead and stay hunkered down, and keep sending cash... wow... I can't wrap my mind around it.
And on that note, I must leave, but only for now... my bus is heading out to the laundry room.

Reaching...

I can honestly say that I'm happy I'm back to writing, but why the hell am I having such a hard time finding things to talk about. I'm really uninspired, so perhaps the gray cloud of funk hasn't quite passed. The kids are ok, not really much to report there, well except that Wyatt told me that he likes the word "biz-oobs" because it sounds like "biz-oobies". It doesn't matter how serious I'm supposed to be with these kids, I have a totally immature sense of humor, and boobs make me laugh, as well as any of the other disgusting, boys only, taboo, no-no bodily functions. I'm glad these guys are boys, I wouldln't have clue one what to do with a girl. Except fight, because we all know that if I did have one she would be just like me, and that's something this world doesn't need to see! Wyatt's enough like me that we butt heads (I said butt) if he was a girl, I'd probably be in prison, or a full blown alcoholic, either way I would be of no use to anyone!
Did you know that Sunday is Mother's Day? I just realized that yesterday, and it occured to me yesterday, when the kids were telling me all about their super secret school art projects that they are not supposed to talk about... These kids couldn't keep a secret if they tried, but it works out well in the lying department, because transparacy is my friend... :) Who knows how long that's going to last, but I intend to take advantage as long as I can. One of the latest tricks these kids like to pull is teaming up in lies when they do something wrong, what they don't know is I can piece almost anything together in a matter of seconds, yes I'm just that good! So far this week is pretty good, which means the next showdown will be a whopper.
I don't really know what the point of all that was, part venting, part rambling I suppose. I think about things like that and it makes me crazy, but to be honest in the grand scheme of things, they are incredibly good kids. They don't get physical with one another like I did with my siblings, and they help eachother out when they really need it. Oh gosh, was that a silver lining??? I guess so! I'll be damned!
Quick subject change, I want to wish my parents a happy anniversary, did you know that I proposed to my mom for my dad? Well we all did, but I was 5, and I truly only remember me doing it. I'm really lucky to have such wonderful parents, so Happy Anniversary, and I couldn't love you more!

Rollercoaster...

I hate not really knowing how to feel. Watching Undercover Boss lastnight, waiting for the emotional ending, and it's interupted by a news brief that that well known asshole piece of shit, bin laden is dead. I had to deal with pissed off kids for 10 minutes, because they wanted to see the ending too, but that's neither here nor there. Within seconds people were announcing all over facebook, the news, and within minutes, the conspiracy theories were coming out. Come on, really???? Can't we just enjoy this small victory for a little while? I'm not saying don't question it, but think of the people that were involved. Our own service members who had to (successfully) try to live through what was destined to be an ugly fire fight. Soapbox Jamie just wants everyone to take a day, take some time to live in the glory of the moment. I'm not celebrating the death of a human, but the death of what that 1 person represents. Our entire country is so deeply effected my fear that having that one little victory may prove to band us all together, if only for a little while. President Obama did the right thing at the right moment, and I can honestly say that I am proud of him, I'm proud of our military, and I really don't want to see this made into an issue about lies, or god, or anything like that. Enjoy this small amount of sunshine in a time when we are all looking for any in the gray clouds of financial and economical despair, and in a couple days if you still aren't satisfied, start your rants!
Ok, back to business. It was a tough day for Wyatt yesterday. He is the one going through the rollercoaster of emotions right now. He loves me, and he hates me. He loves and idolizes his Dad, and because Ebin gets to see his Dad more, I think he resents John a little (although on Johns last trip home he actually sort of warmed up, which was really really nice.) I have Wyatt talking to his counselor at school once a week, and his Dad did have a talk with him about his attitude toward myself and John. I really appreciated that, I need that backup. I know I whine about being alone with the kids, but they are pre-pubesant boys, and if I didn't know better I would think they were fully equipped with little estrogen factories... Bitch and moan, bicker and fight, blah blah blah. They're like 2 monkeys fighting over 1 banana all the time, so having the extra referees is really great! Hillary Clinton was the one that said it takes a village to raise a child, and I can say that I do believe that, it just so happens that my village is a blended family of carnies and circus freaks! We run the gammut of religious and social beliefs, and yet we have all found a way to make it work. And fairly peacfully I might add! I just wish there was more I could do to take away Wyatt's hurt, but I think for now I have struck a fairly good balance. So today is for him, and his brothers! (And America-f*ck yeah!)

Ok, ok, I'll do it... :)

So, as far as I can tell it's been about 6 weeks since I spent any time on my blog, and I have had quite a few people ask if I'm going to write, or loudly spell it out on my facebook wall (thanks Tiff!) and for my absence I appologize. In all honesty I have been lazy, if not falling back into my old habits. Depression really rears it's ugly head with me every now and then, but after John was home this last time I realized just how important it is to stay on top of myself. For the first time ever, I was honestly afraid that I had ruined the relationship I have with this wonderful man. I am incredibly lucky, and I managed to put all of that on the back burner so that I could spend my days moping vvb and feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm starting to get back on track, and now it's time to take into consideration my other responsiblities. I didn't realize just how cathartic writing this blog has been for me. I think the void that has been there for so many years was finally being filled, I found something that I really love to do, and I nearly threw it all away. So starting today, May 1st, I'm going to try to get back into my routine and just keep going with this. I have too much to say to just sit around my house in silence.
On that note, let's recap: I went to Butte for St. Pat's and it was pretty much the most epic drunk I've ever had. Yes I said drunk... very very unapologetically drunk. The next day was the Korn concert, the day that I swore I was going to drive because I drank faaaar too much the day before. All bet's were off when I saw all of my Missoula friends that I miss so badly. Thank you Maria for taking the reigns on that one, I was a total mess!!! I had such an incredible weekend with my cousins and friends that when I got home I was totally sad, and it was kind of the beginning of my near total colapse. I was sent back to the place I was in before I was pregnant with Logan, the place that was more fun than I had ever had in my life. Surrounded by my friends, out enjoying myself, and really not caring what happened next. It felt so good that coming home to all of my lonliness and responsiblities seemed like a step down. *imagine whistling noise* Downward spiral my friends, and I may have felt almost worse than before I even started to take care of myself. (which, by the way, I have lost 30 lbs!) My kids didn't like me much, or I them for that matter, and when John came home I was so relieved, I was almost on a super high until right before he left, then I just shut down. Fear of being alone I suppose, of being left here with just the kids and no hope in sight, but when I was at my worst, John was at his best, and he said some things that really resonated with me. He encouraged me to talk to someone (he has before, but I have always put it off) encouraged me to get out and actually do something with myself, because just going to the gym wasn't cutting it anymore. So I have seen a therapist, once, and he really didn't have much to say, other than I'm perfectly normal, all of these feelings are things that most people feel in my situation, they are just amplified by the depression, and considering family history, maybe we should look deeper into the type of depression I have, maybe it isn't as cut and dry as I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, I have some other issues that I have spent my whole life trying to forget, or being angry about that I have never really addressed them. It was like watching puzzle pieces fall into place, one by one. So my little puzzle universe is certainly far from complete, but I feel like the outward edges are coming together, and now I can start to build from the inside, one piece at a time. Its a pretty big relief to be honest, I really did think that I was crazy. So I have to thank John for all of the support he gives me, and the love. I have to thank my friends for reading all of this, and keeping on me to keep going, and I have to thank my kids, whom without, there would be no me! So I got that all out of my system and I promise when I write again I will fill it with some actual stories, and all of my awesomeness... (yes, after St. Pat's, I am OFFICIALLY awesome, even have the tshirt to prove it!!!!)