Day 15: Attitude adjustment...

I have spent the last 2 days feeling out of sorts, and I haven't been able to figure out why. I think I lost perspective of new goals that I set up, but there is something else. Sometimes I think that everyone gets the feeling that something isn't right, when I do I get stressed and panicky, and I shut down. That's what I think happened. Before I talk about what it was, I need to tell you about my mom. My mom is incredible. She had me when she was 19, and got married to my biological father shortly before I was born. They were young, and he wasn't focused on much but drinking and hunting and fishing. He was angry and abusive toward my mom, he never hurt me, but I imagine had he lived longer he probably would have. My mom got pregnant with my sister when I was 2, and my brother when I was 4. That was the year that Jim died, my mom was only weeks pregnant with my brother, and Jim got wasted, and decided to clean his gun with the safety off. I will never forget that night, because honestly that's when my life began. My mom was pregnant, in desperate need of surgery on both shoulders that had been dislocated at different points in time, and raising 2 young girls. She took it on like a pro, then a while later she married Paul, who is my dad, even if not by blood, and away we went. They worked hard, and tried to have a parent home as much as possible. We didn't have everything we wanted, but we were definately taken care of. They raised as as well as they could, in spite of all kinds of obsticles, and they loved us all as much, if not more than any parent has ever loved their kids, and I couldn't be more greatful. So when things go wrong for them I feel it deep in my soul. The last few years haven't been easy for them, Anaconda has a shrinking economy, and money has been tight to say the least. Keeping all of this in mind, when my mom called lastnight to tell me she had lost her job, my heart broke for her. She has spent so many years trying to be better for everyone, taking care of everyone, and trying so hard to make everyone happy and do the right thing, and in return she gets shit. I feel like I need to make it better, she doesn't deserve that kind of pain. She has spent so long helping everyone she could, that it's time for someone to help her, and I hope that I can. After a night of tossing and turning I decided that my feeling down isn't going to help anyone, and unless I turn things around for me, I certainly won't be able to help turn things around for her. She needs me now, and it's my job to make sure that I'm in a good position to help her, I love her too much not to.
Today I'm starting over with a new attitude. I realized something in all of this, I have been trying so hard to accomplish new goals because I know that everyone expects it of me, and the weight of that became crushing pretty quickly. Today I start to do this for me, not my mom, not the kids, not my husband, but for me. That way when I have reached the things that seemed so far out of reach, I will be a better person, who is capable of providing whatever anyone else needs. I want to be able to show everyone that I can be as wonderful as my mom, and make this world just a little better for my little circle of friends and family. I'm going to try to get my mom here, and maybe use my newfound motivation to help her re-kindle her love for herself, and help her find that wonderful person that she is convinced isn't there anymore. Maybe we can find a way to turn all of the hurt around and use those negatives to fuel the new positives. She's always been my hero, this time, it's my turn...