Day 23: Strawberry spots on your underwear...

So, I know I keep saying that I'm greatful for my kids, I'm greatful for my little family, and I really am, but sometimes my lack of adult contact makes it sort of a struggle to deal with the little things. I can tell that I'm not feeling as well as I did the first couple of weeks, and I know that's not helping either. Really I feel like my sense of humor is shot. I'm trying really hard to move past feeling down, but I do. My check up is in one week, and I'm sure the doctor will be pleased with the weight I've lost, I'm sort of stuck in one place right now with that, but it's ok, it's still a vast improvement over what it was 3 weeks ago. My personality is what I'm afraid won't be addressed. Honestly I'm afraid that she will think that I'm just fine, and maybe I just need to try harder. I felt good for a while, but I feel myself getting pissed at the boys for little things, and wanting to slack off on my diet, having to drag myself out of bed. I feel dumpy, I'm sort of back to not wanting to do much, not leave the house if I don't have to, not talk on the phone, and just keep to myself. I hate this feeling. My husband is going to be home in a few days, and he deserves so much better than the way I'm feeling right now. I just got off the phone with him, and he must think I'm totally disinterested in everything that he's doing, but I just feel bad talking about feeling down, so rather than let him know, I just talk for a few minutes and keep it as positive as I can. He doesn't deserve that, he's working hard, and he's managed to lose a bunch of weight too, and kept a really positive attitude through it all, he doesn't need to listen to my sad crap! I only need to hold out for 7 more days, I felt worried that last time too, and she was amazing, and very understanding. I think the reason that I have doubts is that I see how much other people that I know with chronic depression go through, and I just want it to be over. I want to feel good and motivated and happy! As I'm writing this I'm debating even posting it. Yes I'm having a pity party to which everyone is invited... but I just know that no one want's to come. Maybe what I need is a good slap in the face!!! It sucks and I know it's stupid, feeling so down, I have done a ton of work, and normally it takes some time for these sorts of situations to be remedied, I just have very little patience!
This all leads me back to my kids. They have asked me a couple times in the last couple of days or so if I stopped taking my medicine, because I was starting to go back to cranky mom. That is really hard to hear. We have all been getting along really well lately, and I'm trying really hard, but they are right. I'm letting the little "normal kid" stuff make me crazy, because I'm just hanging out at home, and I don't have anything else to focus on. Or maybe they are interfering with my isolation, I don't know, but I really want them to be happy, I want John to be happy, and if I don't find a way to snap myself out of it, the whole first week of him being home won't be very fun for anyone! Talking with him tonight we talked about joining the gym, and spending time together, and with some family and friends. Those are all really great things to look forward to! I suppose I will take a deep breath, and think before I freak! Take this very moment for instance. My oldest was just eating some strawberries while wearing his white underwear that he is wearing to bed... they are now polka-dotted with lovely strawberry finger prints, all over his butt, and, being a boy, you can tell just how many times he has adjusted himself in the last 10 minutes. The moral is I need to find the humor, not the wrong doing, and just breathe, in just 7 little days I can get things figured out. Until then... all I can really do is try!