Day 1: Attitude adjustment

Some mornings you wake up, knowing that you didn't get enough sleep, that you have 10 million things to worry about, and no one can possibly understand how you feel. I wake up like that every day. The only things that ever feel positive anymore are looking forward to nap time, and eating. I'm 31 years old, I've spent so much of my life worrying about everyone else, and partying, and taking care of kids and pleasing everyone else. I lost myself. Plain and simple. This is signifigant, because years ago I had confidence, I had everything going for me, and I gave up. I had a talk with a friend this morning that really made me see what I have done to myself, being isolated, only having the kids to talk to most of the time, and the one part of me that seems to still function is the nurturing part. In order to feel like I'm nurturing my family I have to feed them, well. Seems reasonable enough, right? What I have come to realize, just in the last few days is that I wasn't cooking to nurture them, I was cooking to comfort me. I don't remember a day in the last couple years when I thought of any activity without associating that with food. I love food, I love the way that cookies taste and feel. I love the way chips crunch and spaghetti tastes and chocolate soothes...  I don't seem to miss my husband as much when he's gone, if I have myself surrounded by food, and when he's home I feel like I'm taking care of him by cooking and cooking and cooking.... and eating. I look in the mirror every single morning, and try to avoid looking below my neck because it's embarrassing, and if I don't see it, maybe it's not there. I have only weighed more once in my life, a year and a half ago when I was ready to give birth to my youngest son.
  How in the world am I going to break myself of all of this? I don't have any problem cooking healthy food, it's just a matter of reprogramming how I percieve the ingredients in front of me. I love veggies and fruit, and yet when I shop it's the last thing I think about. I feel cheated because the grocery stores here don't even compare to the ones I used to shop at before I moved here... excuse #1. The only people I have to cook for are my kids, and one is really picky, so why cause a battle... excuse #2. I'm too tired to deal with cooking and McDonalds is so close... (and even though I don't like it... I still eat it...) excuse #3. Add to that the feeling of euphoria that I get when I am eating something comforting and delicious, and creamy and starchy and fatty... mmmmmm. I am a heart disease timebomb just waiting to explode. I feel like if I don't produce wonderful soothing things then I'm just not doing my job right. I'm a sad mess!
   I realize that it sounds like I'm planning a pity party that no one will come to, but really it's the opposite. I want to start new, I want to teach my kids how to be healthy and active, and I want my wonderful hubby to look at me and be proud of the work that I've done. I want my confidence back and I want my life back. What I hope to accomplish here is a place to vent, a place to show my progress, and a place to share what I learn! Today is attitude adjustment day! I have already done something that I would never do, even on my best day. I worked out. I was so tired and ready for that nap that I loooove so much, and instead I got a bottle of water, turned on exercise on demand, and did 20 minutes of yoga and 20 minutes of cardio. That is exactly 40 minutes more than I ever thought I was capable of. They always say exercise gives you energy, and I couldn't imagine how. I do now. I feel really great, and I'm sure that sore is coming, but I need to lay off the excuses and just do it! I can't have my kids looking back on their childhood and remember me watching tv and eating. No more, I can't, I'm the one person that is around all the time, and wasting their formative years being a lazy fatass is no way to raise them.
   I'm going on a hunt for good food, good fuel, and I'm going to find a way to make it comforting and healthy. At least that's my goal. Knowing all of this I have to admit, I'm making fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner, as my last gourge myself meal. I'm going to spend some time tweeking my own recipes and find a way to make it healthy, and I know I can! If you, as a reader have any advice, any kind words, any motivation, I will gladly take all that I can get!
   Here's to making it better!