Oh the weather inside is frightful

What is it about December that makes people pawn their souls in order to fight other soul sellers for a 50 dollar piece of crap that their kids are going to forget about in a week? Don't get me wrong, I love watching my kids squeal with delight when they open up their gifts, but I am not patient enough to deal with all of the crazies out there. Here we are, 2 weeks past black friday and it only seems that the shoppers personalities are getting blacker. I work at a very busy place, and I am absolutely horrified at how pissed off people get at my coworkers and myself for either not having the deal they want, or not having something in stock. Seriously people get a grip. No one seems to care that after December 25th comes December 26th, when the pawn bill on your brain expires, and you have to return to some kind of normal activity for 364 days. If there is something you want, and you feel like it's that badly needed, why don't you look at the families that have to tell their kids that Santa couldn't find their house this year, or they must have been bad, or whatever the excuse is that is used. Those families might pawn a tv or a ps3, but not once do they lose sight of what's important at this time of year. You have family, you have friends, you have loved ones, and that's a gift that you can't buy. You have people who care, you have a home, heat, cable, phone, internet, the whole shebang. Your fight over a 50 dollar toy was just a waste of love, a waste of real feeling, no matter how heartfelt the gift, you have traded personality for capitalism. Merry friggen' Xmas.
I have family that I wouldn't trade for any Walmart fight in the world. My cousin took me to a concert the other night for free, because she knows that we don't have the money to go, but it was one of my favorite bands. That's amazing. My own Mom has gone through every kind of nonsense with her kids that you can possibly imagine, most recently involving my own household, but she is loving and forgiving, and still willing to make an effort to be a family, where others close to me are not. I'm completely torn apart by the rift right now, I feel pain in ways I've never felt, words were spoken that were absolutely unforgivable, and I've only found out tonight the extent. So I suppose that now all I can do is look forward to my kids being happy this next week, because I'm at a total loss. I realize that I have some very serious desisions to make, and it may screw up everything I have worked toward in Billings, but I won't be put in a position to choose between family members. Now with that said, I am going to bed, on the couch, and hopefully I will get some rest. I think I have finally realized I just can't win.

There are no words...

So for the most part today was like any other day, get up, get kids ready, hang out for a while, go to work, come home from work, get the update about the boys, blah, blah, blah.... Wyatt was kind of a turkey after school, nothing different from any other day, but then my sister tells me a story that Wyatt didn't tell me. At recess today, Wyatt and 2 of his friends were walking around the playground, and they found a boy in their class on the monkeybars intentionally trying to hang himself. Don't worry about picking your jaw up, I'm still trying to scoop mine up. They helped this boy down, and told the teacher, who for some strange reason let the little boy go back to recess. Wyatt told me that he talked to this boy and told him that he has a little sister that looks up to him, and a new baby brother. This little boy told Wyatt that he did it because no one likes him. Wyatt said that he thought about me and how scared he was when I broke down, and that he didn't want anyone to feel like that. Wyatt is only 10, and that little boy is 9. My heart is so filled with pride that my son is so amazing, and so much anguish for what that little boy must be going through. There are a thousand questions running through my mind, and so much guilt for my own mistakes that Wyatt had to go through only recently. I spend everyday lately worried about money, worried about food, and gas and rent, and I have not even considered until now, the impact that something like this has on a kid. He is my hero, he is amazing, how many 10 year old would have the ability to comprehend any of what happened today. I also feel so sick that he had to have that experience, that's traumatic, and possibly life changing, and he has already been through so much the last couple years. Wow, I know that I'm rambling, but there are so many things racing through my mind right now that I can't really seem to settle myself. NO kid should ever have to feel the kind of pain that the little boy Wyatt helped is feeling. I've felt that, but as an adult, and at least I have the maturity to process it. I have to wonder what happens in his home, I have to think that maybe his family chooses to ignore the things in his life that have pushed him this far. I'm sure that the boy has some mental issues that, if they are being dealt with, are not being taken as seriously as they should be. Tomorrow I'm calling the school, and I'm going to have Wyatt talk to the counselor, I've been meaning to get him into therapy anyway, but now I realize the urgency. I am so filled with admiration for my own son that I can't even put it into words. He can't sleep because he says he keeps seeing the boy hanging there, and I can't blame him, that's a lot for a little boy to take in. Tonight there really isn't anything I can do, more than just be there for him, and tomorrow I will have the time to take the proper steps to help him understand his emotions right now. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll do what I can then. I can tell you one thing, it has made me see just how trivial all the crap we've been going through really is. I have my babies, I have my family, and the rest is just details. I could not possibly be more blessed.

In Between the money and me....

I feel really awful, all I do is bitch, I can't seem to bring my mood up to a decent good level. It's a good thing I'm a good actress, because I can honestly say that everytime someone comes through my line at work I feel jealous, they have the resources to do these fun things, I have the resources to smile and be friendly and wish them a good day. I'm really really good at pretending to be perky, which is good because I really really need this job. What's sad is that since we have been going through all this I'm finding that there are people very close to me who are going through a lot of the same things. So I have to look at it this way. We might be climbing this hill, but at least we are doing it together. John has considered moving back to Alaska, or going to Guatamala so that we have more money, but realistically we wouldn't have anything before christmas, which would be a lot less than we have now. We would have to wait to have insurance again, which we have really really good insurance right now, and considering the way things have been with me lately, and knowing that Ebin is so prone to pneumontia, I think it's something we need to hang on to. We are finally getting into a nice routine, getting along well because we see eachother every day, the kids are used to having John home, and I think him leaving would upset that apple cart so quick it's not even funny. There are all these adjustments that we have to make when John comes home on his days off when he is traveling like that, so it usually guarantees 4 days of us not getting along, which is miserable. The kids go crazy when he's not around for an extended amount of time because I'm a total sucker, and slowly let the kids start walking all over me. It doesn't happen when he's home because they know that there are consequences for their actions, and they are immediate, not 2 weeks from now. I miss him horribly when he's gone, and considering my little breakdown recently I'm so relieved he's home. The money thing is just a hump we need to get over, and we will. I think us being together, being a family is far more important than the money. We can find a way to make all of this work. We'll make it through, and chalk it all up as a learning experience! So I guess, for today, I'm hoping that my husband reads this and maybe him seeing it in writing will make him believe it. I just don't want to not be a family! I'm pretty blessed in that respect.

Just when you think it's ok to breathe...

So before I begin my sad sad sad story... again... I want to thank all of my friends, my family and all of the people that have been supportive through this hard time. Your kind words and gestures have really helped to reassure me that all of this is just a bump in the road that we will soon be able to cross. It really is fantastic, all of the love and support you have all provided and for that I thank all of you. One friend, in particular, has offered to go above and beyond, and it's absolutely amazing to me how far real love extends. Thank you Katie, you really have been a help psychologically and personally!
Today was a really hard one. Just when we thought things were back on track, our Landlord came to the door and threatened us with a 3 day eviction notice. It blew me away, and John too. Luckily for me I had work to go to and hide from it for a while, but he didn't. He had the pleasure of spending his day stewing on what the next course of action should be. Let's be honest, we only had the option to pay what we can for rent, but a person always wants to think of the ways to make the aggressor feel bad. John had plenty of ways, but I think we would need a whole big bunch of law books and Will Hunting to make our case. We made a deal, we followed through, and as of now, we are safe in our home for at least another month. John feels like he should leave and mine out of state again, he feels like his family isn't ok. I feel like maybe I should find a different job... again, just so we can make ends meet. The power, the water, the phone, the cable, all due at the same time, and I just started my job so no money coming in for a couple weeks. I feel like a total loser, going back to work to help and we are so far behind it's sad. However we need to take into account the fact that we are all at home, we have these beautiful boys that we love more than our own lives. I have my sister here, who I would have never believed could be the rock that she is for me, and I couldn't be more greatful for her. So what if we are behind, I am ok with going to the food bank one more time if we have to, so what if they threaten us with whatever, we will find a way to fight and win. I want you all to know that I know at least a couple of my readers have been in this position, it just so happens it's our turn, shitty though it may be, and in the future if any of you need help of any kind, I will find a way. That's my new goal. Even in our time of not as good as we would like it, it's time to help others too. I'm not really a holiday spirit kind of person, but we all need to give a little, and don't expect anything back, just remember that there was a point in your life that things weren't ok, and now is the time to help. I hope that one day the kindness I have been shown will be extended to someone else in the same position, who truly deserves the help.

Homework for dummies... i.e. parents

In the grand scheme of things my kids are awesome. I couldn't ask for more as far as that is concerned, but I am coming to realize as a product of my own laziness just how stressful homework can be. Ebin has some needs that I'm not always equiped to deal with, and Cyndi tries to help but she doesn't really have the structural background to help him in certain situations. Today we have spelling words, all with punctuation, and the poor kid can't grasp why an apostrophe might go somewhere. He doesn't have the best coping skills when he gets frustrated. At this moment he is crying because he can't spell Weren't. He is too hyper to pay attention to the small details and he gets so frustrated that he tries to pull out his hair, cries, and yells... a lot. (as you can tell by many of my own posts spelling isn't always my forte either, but I have the capability for figuring it out with my very wise 32 years...) I'm watching him freak out over nothing nearly every day. It may not even be homework, he finds things that just freak him out, and I feel terrible. Luckily I have a therapist, and soon he will too. Also I hate math. I'm sooooo bad at math, when I try, my behavior turns into something close to what Ebin does when he is frustrated. I find it hard to believe that kids this young have hours of homework, I understand the reason, but geez, they're just kids, it can't be easy to know that you have 3 hours of homework after 7 hours of trying at school. So we climb this ladder hoping to keep the kids as caught up as they can, and one way or another we will win.
Oh yeah, you know I mentioned that Therapist earlier. She is truly awesome, and as it turns out the crazy is backing off... and I'm learning to be less of a doormat and more of a regular person. John and I have our arguments like any other couple does, but sometimes I feel like I'm just fighting a one sided battle. As it turns out (according to her) I'm learning more and more how to deal with these frustrations, rather than backing down. Now to be fair, she has met my husband, and has kind of an idea how he opporates. She is really proud that I am taking the steps I need to to be a better, healthier person. The one thing that I really wanted to address is that the meds I'm on have made me gain back all of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. She told me that a lot of people won't take the meds because of the weight side effects alone, but I'm not willing to risk my family and my kid's futures over some pounds. I'm going to work hard, lose the weight again, and then some, and make it all work. You know what??? Today was a good day!

Starting over... again...

Today is the day I start my new job. I would tell you where, but the handbook they gave me says that I'm not allowed to mention them by name. What I can tell you is that it's a retail entertainment place, and I'm getting paid more than I was at my last job. I know it's totally a crazy time to start a new job in retail, but I really do like working with the general public, I have a good repore with most people and I'm always up for learning something new. I'm excited to because it's the first time that I've had a job where I have a pretty good idea of what's going on because it's an industry that I'm familiar with... very familiar! I'm also more nervous about this job, more so than I have been in the past, maybe it's just because of the holiday season, I don't know. I just know that it's a new beginning, and I'm ready to knock their socks off!
Speaking of doing something new, we went to the food bank last week, and because of the generousity of others we were able to have enough to last us until we get paid again. I can honestly say that I will never again ignore the chance to donate to the food bank, or even toys for tots. My boys mentioned that we went to the food bank to Ebin's gramma, and she has been wonderful, she hasn't said a word about it, but she has been flooding our home with food. I've had friends offer to help with Christmas, and that is amazing. This is the year that I get the opportunity to learn just what it takes to be in the holiday spirit. I don't need gifts, I need to pay attention to the situations around me, and reach down deep to help others. I've never looked at the holidays that way, I've always used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, who I'm not seeing, what I'm missing out on, and falling on hard times for me, has taught me a little bit more about what's important. I have a beautiful family, and a lot of people that care for us, I really can't ask for more than that!
With that I need to get ready for work, so thank you all for caring as much as you do, you make it all worth while!

Just another day in paradise...

I know yesterday I was crying and complaining about my situation, which I'm partially sorry about. After having a little time to think about it, I realized something. There is a need for help for families who make too much to qualify for general assistance, but need temporary help. In the next couple of weeks we won't be able to afford gas, we won't be able to buy groceries, or pay bills, or anything extra at all. I worry that I won't be able to have christmas for my kids, it's like they get punished for the things that are going up in our grown up lives. I wish there was a way to find hidden money, plant the magic money tree, without having to sell stuff or take out a loan that causes just another bill. You know what? If I won the lottery I would set up a grant for say $15,000 dollars that is only to be used for families in situations like ours, and proof has to be given as to what this money is used for. Rent, utilities, car payments, regular bills and food. A fund that can only be accessed when the checking account is at bare minimum. It seems like a great idea, but the honest truth is that I don't even have the dollar to buy the lottery ticket. The only things I have to sell are pretty important to me. I considered selling my kids, but then I wouldn't have anyone to take out the trash. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm still sort of teetering on the verge of insanity, so I let little things get way too big. Today I'm going to spend my time researching all of the outlets I may possibly have, I'm sure there is help out there, I just need to find a way to make it happen. I start my new job in a couple of days and that will really help. So I guess if I find anything that will be of service to us and anyone in the same position, I will post it. For now, Have a happy monday.

So much to fix...

I've spent so long trying to make myself get better that I have completely ignored the things around me that are important, and then I let everything go too far. My bills are so piled up it's not even funny and we don't qualify for any kind of assistance. I don't even know if I can give my kids christmas this year, and it really sucks. John works his ass off and I start a new job this week, but even with both of those I just don't see any kind of hope for the future. It's my own fault, John works and I'm supposed to take care of all the financial stuff and I have managed to just fuck everything up. I am going to the food bank tomorrow, for the first time in my life, in hopes that it will be enough food for us for the next 2 weeks. John is really stressed out, and pretty much ready to kill me over all of this and I can't blame him, not a bit of it is his fault. He does everything he can to make it all work. He works 12 hour days, He works overtime, when he's home he does things around the house, he is everything. I am a huge disappointment, and having my breakdown when I did certainly didn't help. I wish there was a way that I could just change things. That whole winning the lottery thing doesn't seem to be working out, not that I have a dollar to buy a ticket.
It's not just the money either, I seem to be a disappointment to everyone. My kids don't really like me that much these days, everyone looks at me with pity and that hurts too. I'm doing all I can to ignore the way it is, but it's hard, especially when you know that there is so much to be said behind your back. That girl that seemed like she had it all figured out is a total and complete mess. She has sunk her family so low that there is really no way out at this point. I'm so sad right now. I feel like if I fall any more the whole world is going to colapse. Now don't freak out, I'm not having another breakdown, in fact it's the sanity that's making me realize what a mess things are. I'm sure John's only going to take so much more before he decides he's had enough. I already can't win with him, nothing seems to go right, if it was me I would have run away a long time ago. He loves me, and I know that, but he's never really happy with me. Anyway, I'm just rambling because I can, hopefully tomorrow I can find a way to make this all better, otherwise we won't even have a home at christmas. Time to get my shit together.

No sleep for mama...

This is going to be a long ass night. I got Ebin into the doctor today who (in spite of me telling him that a cold is never just a cold for this kid) sent him home with the herbal tea and honey prescription. It seems to be working out very well, I have just cleaned up night 2 of barf, the only sound that can be heard throughout the house is Ebin's old man cough, and I will be awake for the whole night in the living room watching sappy movies and hoping that Ebin will stop long enough for the 2 of us to at least catch a nap. Of course if the stupid ass doctor would have just listened to me instead of blowing me off like I couldn't possibly know how my son's immune system works, we might both be sleeping right now, instead of me having the sound of a barking seal resonating through my house. I am so painfully tired, and stressed and at my wits end and all I can do is muster all of the patience I have to try to keep this poor kid comfortable. And I fear that John or I will get sick, then we're all screwed. I have an interview at Hastings tomorrow, and I need to get some sleep, or it is going to turn into a big slobbery mess. I must sleep, I must sleep, I must.... nope. He's going to miss day number 3 of school, which means makeup work for days. Uuuugh, I wish there was a bright side, but at the moment all I can think about is it being 1:05 am, and knowing that I have kids to worry about in just a couple hours.
Also I promised myself that I would go back on my diet tomorrow, work out, all that good stuff. I wonder how many hours of sleep it takes to care about whether or not I'm fat. John has been really supportive, we managed to reverse diet roles, he's doing amazing and I'm doing nothing, it's silly. It just seems like everytime I start to get myself back in order there is some kind of roadblock. And my coping skills have been shit the last couple months. So guess who Jamie's new best friend is again.... food. Stupid stupid wonderful food. But I will talk about all of that tomorrow. For now I'm going to lay down on the couch and get some sleep. Wish us luck!

Sigh....

As I write this I'm listening to Ebin cough his poor little head off. There is no good way to stop it, we've done breathing treatments, but the poor kid's lungs are just hashed. The other 2 boys are sick too, but I have the comfort of knowing that it will most likely move on in a day or 2. With Ebin it's weeks, and that's if I'm lucky. I hate being so powerless in cases like this. I expect it, but there is never a good solution, so off to the doc we go tomorrow, in hopes that the first round of antibiotics will work. I would trade him if I could. It sucks being sick, but I would take being sick over hearing my baby cough so hard with no immediate resolutions. Night's of sleep lost and days of school and activities missed, and this poor little guy losing weight that he can't afford to lose. It is just not fair I tell you! We should have a magical feel better fairy. Put your cold under your pillow and wake up feeling well and heck maybe get a couple bucks out of the deal. Hey maybe that's the business I should start up. Break into peoples houses and steal kids yuckies. Something to think about.
I'm supposed to think about things that I would like to do when I grow up. Boy that is a really big question for me, I've been in the people pleasing business for so long that I guess all of the things that I may have wanted out of life have gone by the wayside. (including my weightloss... I'm really pissed at myself over that) But I have spent some time thinking about this today, and there are so many people that do the whole self help thing that it made me think that maybe I should start whoring myself out to companies to teach customer service skills. I'm like a customer service superstar. I've had people ask specifically to work with me in places that are corporate, and don't generally allow for customers to remember people by name, even though they wear nametags! I'm a born people pleaser, which my therapist has said can be a huge problem (like I haven't noticed) but John was there to hear it too, and he has again surprised me by just doing some of those little things that I felt obligated to do, by himself. But what if one of my greatest weaknesses is one of my greatest talents, and I should utilize that. I have a feeling I could really help, especially with the younger set of kids who's daddy made them get a job. They have the personality skills of a guy who just got busted eating a raw cow in front of PETA. (I use this reference because I would totally do it... but cooked) I think that using my strong suit to make more than 8 dollars an hour would be smart. I just need to figure out how to do it. I love to talk, I love to write, and yet there is is big fat blinding wall stopping me from doing just what I know could be my big fat cash cow! My goal for this week.... find a way to make the first step.
I know this is off the subject, but while I'm writing, Tiff, I hope it all went well, you have worked so hard and you totally deserve it!

As the daylight died on a summertime suicide....

Ok, calm down it's a lyric from a song, that happens to be stuck in my head. Although I'm not going to lie, I don't feel fantastic. It doesn't help that my sister is like locked in her cage of wishing for non-exhistence. She's been my rock for a while now, and I have recently... in the last couple day's realized that you can't expect someone who is mentally ill help you with your mental illness. It hurts and it's scary, because lately she has been the only on who understands me and all the stupid shit I'm going through. For some reason my downfall has inadvertantly led to hers. This is a girl who only a year ago I would have said I would never talk to. She has become the person that I could not be more thankful for. We do, however, have days like these last 2 that make me feel like I'm taking advantage, and that I am putting my needs first. You couldn't have paid me to say that I would ever be close to my sister, I would have been possibly close to my brother, but that didn't work out either. It makes me sad and honestly hurt that I can't have a conversation with my brother. Having my sister back is like a gift. We are from a Huge family that seems to just click. However myself and my siblings can't find a middle ground. Whenever 2 of us get along the other one is completely shunned. I have to admit, my brother did reach out and try to make contact with me, but because I pissed his wife off so bad, I chose not to call.
I want the world to know that I'm trying with every fiber of my being to make this life better for my family, and the reason that my brother's wife hates me is perfectly acceptable, and I deserve it, but it's been a year and I have made so many changes. I would love to be able to joke and goof off with him, but I can't. As of now I have Cyndi here, who I could easily put in the same "screw my family" boat, but she has been the best thing I coud ask for in a long long time.
I went to the hospital, I was finally diagnosed as being human, and I have one blood relative that know's it. I'm so sorry Paul wasn't here, he's my humor outlet, but having Cyndi here really has helped save my sanity and my family. My kids adore her, Logan is excelling like I couldn't have ever imagined. Now it's time for me to step in and play the part.... whew...

Wow, I can eff everything up

So it's 10:36 and I'm explaining to Wyatt just why his dad's new job is ok. This poor kid has been shuffled enough in his formative years that he feels anxiety like I do. That's not fair, he's having nightmares about his dad working in a different town than Missoula. I don't know if that means he's scared he's going to not see people he loves, or what, but this is a sort of pain that I can totally feel, but not fully understand. I had 2 parents for the majority of my life, and they worked different shifts, but they were always there, no travel time, no space in between, just a one parent at a time sort of thing. One of my biggest trials throughout my parenthood has been keeping the balance between Damon and I. I know that I have mentioned before that we get along great. He has a wonderful girlfriend, and he is the best dad he can possibly be from a distance. He just started a new job, and poor Wyatt is having nightmares about his dad. That just about kills me, I know what it's like to have nightmares about your dad, I have them all the time. I take meds to NOT have those dreams. My baby, my first baby, he means so much to me, and to see him cry because he is so worried about his dad absolutely kills me. He is such an amazing, talented, smart kid, and he spends so much time worrying about what's going on with his father that he doesn't utilize any of that talent, and it's all my fault. I know this, and of course I stress out about it, but whether he likes it or not, Wyatt has started to fit in in Billings, just like I have. It's not the same as home, but things are starting to come together. I had my setback that scared everyone, and in that I realize that I have spent so much time worrying about being in a place I don't want to be that I haven't even attempted to get a chance. I miss home, but I'm here and it's time to grow up and make it work for us. I just need to find a way to make my Wyatt understand that it's not nearly as bad as we want it to be. The moral here is that the only way I can make the changes we need is for me to make it happen. Wyatt has so much of my personality, and takes so much from the way I act, that if I can just find happiness he will too. I really spent the last 2 years bitching about my situation here that I have never given it a chance (however you will never change my mind about the zone. those assholes suck) It took me being in an institution type of situation and meeting some of the most amazing people I've ever met to realize just how lucky I am.
In light of all this I have been seeing a therapist, who I love, and she really asks me questions that I really have never considered. John has to come with me on tuesday, and I really do look forward to it. We have this mixed family, and John often feels like a bully even though I don't think he is. He considers Wyatt as one of his own, and true to form Wyatt considers him a nuisance. John really loves Wyatt, and when they get along it's amazing, but then the time comes that Wyatt compares John to his own dad, and that's where the problems start. I hate it. I feel so torn apart, because they really do have a lot of the same interests, and they do get along in the right circumstances. When those things don't work out, I feel like I'm on the torture stretcher. He hates him, he's pissed about this, he feels his space is violated, he blah blah blah blah. When the fuck does anyone say "Mom are you ok?" Only when I shut down. The only people that really notice I'm ready to blow are my sister, my mom, and Ebin's gramma. All Women, all knowing that things get overwhelming very quickly. John tries really hard, but with his work schedule he can't deal with as much as I do. Having Cyndi here is a Miracle! I know that to John she feels like a burden, but I can honestly say that without her I would go even crazier. I hate that I need help, but I do. She had grown into an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call her sister. I just hope I can live up to the same label.

Decisions, decisions.....

Part of my own personal curse is this feeling that I am really only as good as the job that I do, and I must exhude that same feeling, because I can't seem to get ahead. The job that I have now is really great, I enjoy it, I like the people I work with, and I make less money than anyone there, in spite of the fact that I work just as hard, take whatever shifts I have to, my sales are really good, and yet I haven't seen any chance to move up, even though I have expressed that. I was gone for a couple weeks because of my little mental setback, but they welcomed me back with open arms. It was great. Of course I'm not getting a raise, now I'm not sure that anyone even takes me seriously. I would love to stay at this job, but since I was hospitalized my priorities have shifted a little. It's not really that I want to quit, and have to go out and find a new job and start all over again, I just feel sort of stupid for hanging on the way that I have. I was under the impression that the job I have now would be very temporary, then I would have the opportunity to move up. Everyone else at that same meeting has either moved up or quit. I feel like a damned doormat. My wonderful husband sees that I'm not as happy with it as I was before. He's my biggest supporter, and tells me that if I am not happy I should leave, he's even given me an application for a different job, where I would be happy for sure, but I'm holding back on it because I don't want anyone at my current job to be mad at me for leaving. I'm so torn, I really have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do, I know I can make more money somewhere, but how do I leave when maybe there might be a chance that at some time in the future I might have the opportunity to do something more than what I'm doing now.... God I sound like an idiot. Most people would have (and already have) left, I just really have a fear of hurting someones feelings, or disappointing anyone, leaving me wide open for hurt feelings and disappointment. Well, for today anyway, I'm going to go, I'm going to do my best, just like every other day, and maybe I'll make a decision later.... it's so effed in the a.
On that happy note, my friend Stacy came to town to see me, and it was really great to have someone else around, it's good to have friends like her. Her daughter is beautiful and getting so big. It was really fun to see her with Logan, they played really well together. (oooooh is there a future there???? I don't knoooooow) ha ha. See there is always something to laugh about!

Boy drama... aka not sorry I don't have girls!

Remember in grade school how there was always some big thing going on that was seriously going to end the world? In our house it happens about once a week that one of the boys isn't friends with someone because his friend said this, or did that, and they would never be friends again.... until tomorrow. My best friend in grade school and I fought like that daily! Who had the better clothes, the better toys, the better haircut, and so on. There was also the issue of "you can't have a crush on that new kid on the block because I do". You can't even imagine how many times the world ended when I was 10! We would plot and scheme and plan all sorts of different things to do. We even started our own club called "The Jean Jacket Club" and you could only be a member if you were our friend and had a jean jacket. Believe me, we still laugh about it to this day. We had sleepovers at my gramma's house, at her house and my house, but I always really liked the one's at my gramma's, because we didn't have siblings bugging us! We did all of these things while fighting like sisters. That was obviously a long time ago, and as years passed we lost contact. I always felt like it wasn't fair because her family must have been rich, and we always had a friend/rivalry sort of relationship. Jump ahead to the present, and now we are friends again, minus the rivalry, and she has become one of my biggest supporters. We lead very different lives, very far apart from one another, and somehow have managed to finally find a middle ground where we can just be friends. It must have something to do with that whole adulthood thing. I hesitate to say grown up, just because I refuse to grow up! From the moment I started on my diet, all through the worst of my depression, up until now, this same friend has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I find it really amazing that life can take you in so many circles.
This, of course, leads me to why I'm so happy I have boys. They will come home from school with the same sort of stories. He did this, he said that, we'll never be friends again, but the difference is that there isn't the sneaky sort of crap that girls resort to. It's never about who is fatter, or who has more stuff, or who is a nerd for whatever reason, it's just little things that happened while they were playing. Boys are more forgiving (they also smell worse, maybe that's the answer). They feel slighted, but they find a way to make it work in spite of angry feelings. If I had girls and they had best friends that acted anything like we did I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind, and that's not even counting the fact that if I had any girls they would be just like me, which, let's be honest, could be a real problem!!! If I had to deal with the type of hormonal crap that I went through... and put my parents through, someone might not survive! (I don't wanna go to prison, I'm delicate.) So Mom, I am very sorry for being a crazy bitch. In my adulthood I can see such a huge difference between how I acted and how the boys act. Wyatt has so much of my personality that it's a little scary, but at least he just gets pissed and moves on. He doesn't have the "make mom feel like shit for a week for not washing your favorite shirt" gene. After all that has happened in the last couple weeks I can tell you honestly that I couldn't be luckier in the kid department. It's a little sad that it took so much trauma to make life seem successful, but I do, and it's really wonderful. I say all of this now, a couple years before Junior High, but I really do think that the outlook is good! So if you are reading this, and you are frustrated with your kids, look back on your own childhood, and reflect a little on what was going on, and be greatful for those really awful times, because later, they will be laughable, and trivial, and the present will make up for all of it. It is called the present for a reason you know!

Trials and Tribulations of being a nerd...

When I was in grade school all I wanted in the whole world was to be one of the popular girls. I had a best friend from about 1st grade through 5th or 6th, and she was friends with a lot of the popular girls, but it never seemed to carry over to me. At least that was my perception. Looking back, of course, a lot of them did try and my best friend really tried, but I was trying too hard. I guess I really began to understand that about my junior year in high school. I had this amazing group of friends that weren't the popular kids, and had more fun than I ever had in my life. I have also become the fun person that people really want to be around, I make friends all the time, it's amazing! It carried over into adulthood when alot of the very same kids I tried to be friends with became friendly with me. I was weird, and I knew it. I'm not really sure what it was that made me weird, but I was and it took me a lot of time to figure that out. Part of my problem at that age was that when I had a friend I wanted to be the only friend, and have all the friend time focused on me. To me a group of friends meant that I wasn't an important one. Wow, it's truly amazing the amount of things I missed out on just because I couldn't share. It definately carried on at home too. I have a really special relationship with my mom, and I think I felt cheated that my brother and sister took up time too, especially when mental illness began to play a role, and the focus had to be more positioned on whatever sibling needed the most help at the time. I was angry, how in the world could it be fair that they got to be the center of attention just because they were sick, or struggling. I really do understand much better now, and I'm glad that I can see it for what it really was, because I feel more poised to take on any situations like that that may arise in the future. Really, considering the history of my family it's a very real possibility that one of my boys could be facing the same fate. I think that I'm beginning to have the tools to work with it if it does come up.
So today is the day that I go back to work, and I know I'm going to be looked at differently, which I don't really want, but I understand. I have been completely honest with my bosses and coworkers about how this all came about. I've decided that it's not worth being ashamed about, and it certainly isn't worth the judgement and all of the rumors that can start. I work with mostly women, and that whole thing can get out of hand! I'm just going to focus on the goals that I have set up for myself and charge ahead, what anyone thinks is just their issue. It may be easier said than done, but I'm ready to answer questions. The one thing that I'm really not too ready for is pity. I don't want that. It's not worth it for anyone to feel that way about me, this is an issue that I should have addressed years ago, but I was so afraid of people looking at me like the poor sick girl, and I didn't want to turn out like other people that I knew who always had whispers and pointed fingers, and someone always watching them everytime they fall. Instead I waited until I was so far gone that being forced to get help was my only option. I look at people with mental illness a lot differently now. The majority of people that I met in the unit were just like me, perfectly normal (insert laugh track here) but in desperate need of what I like to call a vacation from reality. It's no Hawaii, but there was time to think, and that's something I have never really taken! I don't remember a time when I could just be alone and enjoy silence. I've always taken the noise as just a normal part of life, well having 3 boys running around there is no such thing as quiet! I have requested about 1 hour a day to just sit in quiet, maybe reflect on some things, maybe nap... who knows. All I know is that 2 weeks ago I couldn't have even asked for fear I would be putting someone out of their way. Really the cool thing now is that I don't quite feel so stressed when it is noisy and I'm not finding myself stressing about things that are out of my control. That feels really good, so wish me luck on my first day back, and I'm sure I will be writing soon!

A little history...

I'm sure that when I was a kid I was a pretty happy one, my parents loved us and worked very hard to make sure we were well taken care of. Of course this was all after the death of my wife beating sperm donor of a father. Yeah, I've spent the last 28 years feeling like my life as an adult would be dependant on being nothing like that horrible man. I really have no contact with his side of the family even, by choice on both sides I believe, as I'm pretty sure they resented the fact that my mom got married to my dad and he adopted us. I have memories of some strange things from those first couple of years of my life. One was good, the rest would terrify a normal adult, and you know what, I'm going to go ahead and share some of that. (I'm sorry mom, but this needs to be done)
I was never abused or molested by this man, or anyone in his family, but I vividly remember him hitting my mom for buying the wrong kind of pot pies. I remember a lamp being thrown, and a rifle being pointed directly at my mom and I. I remember feeling tense a lot, and hiding in a big green chair that we used to have. I remember the night he died and feeling so scared that I wasn't going to have a family anymore. The police officer tried to teach me how to whistle in the car ride to my gramma's just to keep my mind off of all of it, then we got to my gramma's and everyone was crying, and although I knew what was going on, I was way too young to understand.
That's just sort of the quick rundown, I have 1 good memory, but oddly enough everyone in that memory is dead but me, and about 2 weeks ago I could easily have joined them. I could have left my kids with a lifetime of wondering if it was their fault that I was gone. Not my smartest move, that's for damned sure! I can't imagine my kids being my age and having such strong feelings about me being gone, I know the way it hurts, and I know how it feels to hate someone that isn't even there. That whole forgive and forget thing doesn't work that way!
Now that I'm home I feel like I need to start a different routine. I'm excited to get things going again, but maybe part of the reason I was struggling so much is because I've left myself wide open for failure. Maybe it's because of all the unanswered questions from when I was little, or maybe I'm just really lazy, I have no idea. I do know that it takes a lot for me to really stay involved in something and it has caused problems in every thing I've ever started. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I did need to let it out there, because if I don't then I leave myself open to stay exactly the same. There is only so much medication can do, I have to be willing to open myself up and at the very least accept the things in my past that have always been pushed to the back of my mind.
While I was in the unit, I met a really nice girl about my age, we'll call her Becky. Becky was checked in because she had a breakdown and chased her hubby down with a 2 by 4, ripped a door off of it's hinges, and had she been left to finish what she started, she probably would have killed someone! Now this girl is little, she might weigh 110 soaking wet, and has the sweetest personality I've ever seen, my mom totally fell in love with her, but it just goes to show that anyone can fall into sadness and pain, hell, really. (yes I don't believe in hell, I'm using it metaphorically). She really helped my realize that beauty is something that we all have and we can easily lose track of, so my goal for today is to not dwell on the past, and just make the absolute best out of everything that I have. I may not have much money, but I'm the richest woman alive.

Hey! Amemba me????

I want to appologize to anyone who has been looking forward to reading this blog. Me and my whopping 13 followers haven't had much touch lately, and I have decided that today is the day to begin to let you all understand why. When I started this it was sort of a mix of self encouragement, and a way to hold myself accountable when I screwed up. It really did work for a while, I felt the encouragement coming from friends, and it really helped keep me on track with my weight loss and excercise (which on it's own is a type of therapy). Then, true to Jamie form I tapered off, more and more until I pretty much just gave up. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, but this just lost the importance it held for me at first. It wasn't just the blog either, I lost interest in everything, this, work, tv, kids, hubby, pretty much everything I loved. I kept going about my daily routine in this sort of robotic way, even leaving the majority to my sister, and basically doing nothing. I might go to the gym once a week, I might cook a crappy dinner every now and then, and then I would turn into crazy super woman and be happy with everything and wait on my husband and kids, get things done, do everything I could to keep things going well, all the while getting no fulfillment out of it. John knew I wasn't ok, and everytime he asked I gave him the generic "everything is fine" answer. I had no way of really coping with feeling so down, so I started drinking a lot again, followed by spending copious amounts of money on groceries because I was convinced that my kids would starve. I can spend 1000 bucks and have nothing to show for it. Pretty much like everything I do, I put my heart into it, and in the end I have nothing to show for it. I'm what you might call lazy, at least that is what I thought. I charged along in the same routine, feeling less and less accomplished everyday, holding in all of this pain that I have probably been harboring my whole life. I have been trying so hard not to have the same mental issues that run in my family, that when I finally broke, I really broke. I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to dig myself out of this painful hole, and I thought it might not be a bad idea to just take a couple bottles of sleeping pills, drink a bunch of whatever booze I could find and just die. I'm serious when I say that I was within hours of trying. John asked me what was going on, why I couldn't just be happy, ever, and I bawled. There was nothing left, I'm 32, no career, no respect from my kids or my husband, not even able to make enough money at my piddly job to help pay bills. I don't know that I have ever cried that way. Suddenly painful memories from the last 25 years of my life flooded in and I panicked. My sister called the ER, and off I went. I am mortified that it went this far, I was so sure that I would be able to take care of myself and no one would ever have to know that sadness that kept me from being anything better than what I was. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one who can keep it all together, and now I have a whole team of people watching and critisizing me, and making judgement calls as to whether I would be a danger to myself or others. (guess what????? I was! Shocker) Basically I spent 2 weeks in a psyche ward, the very last place I ever thought I would be. Later when things calm down to a dull roar I will explain about my adventures in the cuckoo's nest, but for now I will tell you I am elated that it happened. I had been misdiagnosed as just depressed before and the meds were doing more harm than good. Yep, I'm bipolar, and I have post traumatic stress disorder, and I was told it was a surprise that I had made it this long without doing anything to myself. So, for today, the good news is I'm home, John is making sure that I have a little time to readjust, and I'm pretty sure I will be ok. Thanks to everyone for all of the blind support, it was incredibly helpful and I promise to explain more next time!!!

Time flies...

I have never in my life felt like such crap. Over the last few weeks I have had this crazy lung thing going on, and I can't believe how rundown I feel. I just today, worked out for the first time in a couple weeks, and I made it less than 20 minutes. That sucks bad dude... (I miss Wyatt, borrowed dude from him.) I am, as of this morning, 8lbs heavier than I was a few weeks ago, and I had already plateaued there. I kind of feel like I gave up hope altogether. Ok, not really, I just let the ship take on a little water, and it is all centered in the front... Only 8lbs and I feel sick about myself! Fact is I would love to go workout, and have that precious hour to myself, but I can't breathe, it hurts so bad, especially when I'm tired!!! This infection crap is for the birds, and I feel bad because I simply don't have the energy to do all the things that I would like to do, I mean John is officially home! I would love nothing more than to make the house nice, and make dinners nice, and just make it peaceful while he settles into home life, but I just feel shitty. (yes Mom, I am calling the doc on monday!) Wyatt got this garbage too, but he ended up in the hospital, and not here, with me, where I am comfortable, and I can see him, and snuggle him, but with his dad who is 5 hours away. Don't get me wrong, he couldn't be in better hands, that's not the issue. The issue is that I can't be there with my baby, when he needs me. Imagine my surprise when I found out he has asthma, and that was the real problem... How in the hell did I not know this??? I mean, I'm with him all the time, you would think that by 9 years old I would have seen some sign that he may have it. You would think that I would not be so selfish as to ignore the one thing about my amazing boy that really needed attention, especially since his step-brother has asthma, and I know what to look for with him! I really don't know how I missed it, but I will spend my life making up for it. He is so amazing, and I hope this is the only time I have to worry this way! His dad was awesome about it too, kept me informed, sent pics, and even had the doc call me to keep me accurately updated. I couldn't be more thankful that Wyatt's dad and I have been able to maintain a healthy relationship. At any rate, the little guy is fine, still some issues to deal with, but collectively we will all make sure he is fine!!! Hooray big people!
Have I ever mentioned that I have a wonderful husband? Why, yes sir (or ma'am, calm down feminist) I have this wonderful husband, and as of tomorrow, he will have been my husband for one whole year!!!! (gasp! cough!wheeze... just this lung thing, calm down!) He has really made me feel like a lucky woman. He gets me, we get eachother, which, to be honest is a little scary seeing as how neither one of us is balanced in the least! We laugh at eachother, we fight with eachother, and we just take care of eachother. We have found a way to meet in the middle, even though in a lot of ways we are so vastly different. We have found ways to support eachother, even when we weren't sure how, we have found ways to love eachother when we weren't sure how. We honestly love eachother, in spite of ourselves, and through all that my friends, I have found happiness. In our odd little, definately not normal way, we have found a way to love eachother, (including family and friends!) and i can truly say I'm happy. I write this now, while John is at the gym and I am feeling like shit... Through sickness and in health... Happy 1st Anniversary baby!!!! Thank you for this beautiful, crazy life! I love you!!!!!

Falling off the wagon...

One thing I have never really been good at is completing anything. I have quit or backed off of every single endeavor to better myself that I have ever started, from band in grade school, all the way up to this very blog. You may be asking yourself "why would Jamie stop things like that? She is so ________ (insert positive adjective here) you would think she would be inclined to make it known that she is even more sparkling than we all believe..." Ok, maybe that was a little over the top, but I can read minds, so I just wrote down what you were thinking. But, alas my friends, I am a quitter. 6 months ago I was so motivated, so ready to change my life for the better, and now here I am, slowly letting myself fall back in to old habits. A little more than 2 weeks ago I weighed 35 lbs less than when I started all of this, I felt pretty good, my self esteem was doing not as well as I would like, but it wasn't bad. My birthday was awesome, I was surrounded by family, and friends and I partied like a rockstar. John came home the next night, and things were really looking up. Then without warning everything fell apart. I have been falling back into depression for a while, but it sort of swallowed me alive all at once. The combination of my kids going off to their respective summer homes, me getting older, John changing jobs, and contracting pneumonia reared it's ugly head. CONFESSION TIME! I have been a total glutton for the last couple weeks, and all that time that I spent losing weight, I undid a third of it in a very short matter of time. I had been stuck at around 190 for about a month, it was my own fault because I was cheating on a regular basis, but the last couple weeks have been all about stuffing my face with as much crap as I could find. Crackers, chips, chocolate, fat, fat and more fat. I wasn't even doing it because I wanted to, it was at least 85% emotional eating, coupled with being sick and not being able to stick it out at the gym because I'm way too exhausted from being sick and depressed. So why, you may ask, have I come to my senses now? Well, yesterday I went to see the doctor for the second time in a week to try to shake this stupid pneumonia, and she mentioned that I had stayed the same weight since the last time I saw her, 3 months ago. Truth be told, I just gained ten pure-fat pounds in the last 2 weeks, my blood pressure is up, which she said could be because I'm sick, but I really think that gaining so much in such a short amount of time may have contributed to it. I see the vicious cycle starting over again, depression leading to weight-gain, leading to depression, leading to weight-gain. Luckily I have this really wonderful husband who, inspite of me, is willing to hang on and be supportive, no matter what. He hasn't said a word about how I look, because he knows that it would only be painful coming from him at this point in time. After speaking to the doctor yesterday, I talked with him about it, and he said that he was glad that I had other reinforcement, because he didn't want to hurt me. Believe it or not, that was one of the nicest things he could have said to me at the time, and all at once I realized that if I don't shape up, I'm only putting myself in the position to lose it all. Not because I think that if I gain the weight back he would leave me, but because I know how I function, and I would be more angry, less inclined to do anything at all, and in the end not really worth much to anyone. I can't do that to him, and I certainly can't do that to my boys, and most of all, I can't do that to myself. When I started this whole healthy lifestyle thing my emotions were pretty fragile, the only reason that I didn't try to kill myself was because I knew that my kids would be alone, and ultimately seperated, and that was the last thing that I could have wanted for them. I was only about a step away from even caring about that, and how I feel now isn't all that far off from those feelings. The moral of the story here folks, is that I need to shape my shit up! I felt so incredible for a while there, and now that I fell off the wagon I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out by some dirty dark monster. No more I tell you!!! I'm going to win this battle if it kills me, and the knowlege that I will live longer for my family, for myself is going to be the ultimate motivation. NO MORE FATTY McFATFAT!

Wrinkles!!!!

I know, I'm totally the person who just loves to bitch, I'm fully aware that I do it all the time, I'm sure I can help it if I try, but why bother, it's kinda my thing? I bitch about things that I will laugh off in public, I complain about money, health, kids, just about whatever I can think of and I certainly have no problem bitching about myself. So officially today is my turn for the hot seat. I feel pretty accomplished in the amount of weight that I have lost so far, and I really enjoy working out, in fact, my trainer is going to teach me how to box, just for something fun to do. I've never been in a fight in my life, and I really have no intention, but I feel like it's something that I really need to learn, I want my biceps to look good too! My issue is that my body is NOT 23 anymore, I had this vision in my head of how marvelous I would look if I just tried, what's killing me now is the wrinkles and strechmarks that were recently being hidden by malted hops and saturated fat. I have forehead wrinkles, one of the boys asked me if it was a scar! I didn't really think that I would have to deal with this, of course a couple years ago I didn't think I would be dealing with the few gray hairs I had either, and now I don't dare not have my hair dyed! (see the good thing about that is that I love doing silly stuff with my hair anyway, so it's an easy trade off.) I have to wonder how many people look at me and give me the "you're too old to look like that" stare. I'm guilty of doing it too, we all are, but truly I reserve it for women who are obviously competing with their 25 year old daughter for a boys attention. (You don't wear a bikini to the grocery store when it's 58 degrees and rainy out.) This whole train of thought makes me realize even more that one of the things I'm really best at doing is finding something to be unhappy about. I'm going to be 32 in about a week, of course I have wrinkles, and I was signifigantly overweight with both of my pregnancies, of course losing weight is going to make stretch marks look weird, that's life. Truth is I don't do much with my skin, I'm not a lotion and potion person, but I think at this point in life I need to be. I am finally becoming happier with the shape of my body, and I certainly don't expect to be super model gorgeous, maybe the best thing I can do is start a little pampering, huh? Maybe have someone else do my hair on occasion, or even get my nails done and invest in some olay stuff. The kind of ironic thing is that I have enough make-up for about six Las Vegas hookers, and I do just pile that shit on, but I looooove eyeshadow, and I think I would pay money to have someone show me how to do a good smokey eye without looking like the drunk toddler in a clown family put it on me! So you see in all of my self loathing, I can still manage to put down a couple of goals! I'll be damned...
Next thing is I'm about to be nearly childless for the summer. What the hell am I going to do with myself??? I'm going to have to find a sitter, cuz I am going to need to work out like 5 hours a day just to average out all the running I do. I won't need a ton of groceries, I may even be able to go vegetarian for the summer, lose another 15 or 20 lbs. Maybe I'll go stay with my cousin, I don't know, I'm not nearly as good at making plans for just myself. Oooooh I'm going to find a job. Truth be told I've been looking, but billings really isn't an easy place to find a day time job, and it's not like I can leave Logan alone at night!!! Who knows, maybe I'll find a band or something... a life, whoa, I just blew my own mind!

Lucky I can remember my own name...

One thing anyone close to me knows for sure is that at some point in the near future, I WILL do something to embarass myself, and probably in front of, or to someone I know. In the last week I have run in to not one, but three (count 'em) THREE people that have said hi to me and been excited to see me, and I have no damned clue who they are. People I have known for years... I look right at them and smile and say hi and act excited and then ask "who are you???" I don't know why this is my week for it, I don't even really know anyone in this town, or so I thought, but I also really don't keep track of a lot of people, so I feel within my rights to be blunt when I ask. I mean who knows, it could be someone that I may or may not have had a sorted past with, and perhaps I would like to pretend like I don't remember.... there are children around.... So, if by any chance, you happen to be one of these people, I really do appologize, I promise that trick wasn't just reserved for you!
Next we must touch on the subject of music. Oooooh I'm a music snob, and a couple days ago I got to see 2 bands that I LOOOOOVE one of which is at the total top of my music snob list! But my list isn't what made this particular show so special. Wyatt has been the (2nd) biggest Foo Fighters fan since he was little. He used to say he was going to be a rockstar like Dave Grohl when he grows up, and he is still dreaming of it. John and I decided to take the older boys to see The Foo Fighters with us, and I can honestly say as far as the show went, it was amazing, and being able to spend that time with Wyatt and seeing his face when he got to hear his favorite songs, that was so incredible!!! This is the first concert in years that I have gone to and been honestly sober the whole time, that was wild! I actually remember the concert this time! The other band we went to see is Motorhead, one of the most influential metal bands in the world, and an absolute dream for me. Lemmy is like my drunk, not really attractive, smoking, old man crush! He's just cool as shit. So John suggested that we get some paint pens, and paint the car windows, and we did. The sides had the Foo Fighters logo and "Foo or bust", and on the back window I wrote "Lemmy is my dad", took pictures, and sent them off to my buddy Angel. They then got posted on The Blaze facebook page. I thought that was pretty cool, we were just having fun, but then we saw people taking pictures of it at Hooters, which makes me wonder how many other people took pics! Then yesterday on the way home, I was told that Lemmy's camp wanted to use the photo, and wanted to know who to credit!!!! HOLY SHIT! That's me!!!!!! You know what this means don't you??? This is the stuff that groupies dream of, minus the blow jobs! I get to possibly be a small part of the history of Motorhead, and the memory of the most amazing show I've ever been to will live on forever, somewhere!
Oh, and more good news on the homefront... We all survived the rapture without too many problems! Of course I wouldn't be going anywhere, but you would think the kids could go... but had they gone, I suppose the Foo Fighters would have been more drunk and less memorable. I really can't understand how so many perfectly intellegent people could give away their life savings to help spread the good word, then when it's time for the big guy to make good on some promises, it's a no go... Sorry folks, it appears as if the bus to the promised land was delayed, but may be a little closer in 5 months, so go ahead and stay hunkered down, and keep sending cash... wow... I can't wrap my mind around it.
And on that note, I must leave, but only for now... my bus is heading out to the laundry room.

Reaching...

I can honestly say that I'm happy I'm back to writing, but why the hell am I having such a hard time finding things to talk about. I'm really uninspired, so perhaps the gray cloud of funk hasn't quite passed. The kids are ok, not really much to report there, well except that Wyatt told me that he likes the word "biz-oobs" because it sounds like "biz-oobies". It doesn't matter how serious I'm supposed to be with these kids, I have a totally immature sense of humor, and boobs make me laugh, as well as any of the other disgusting, boys only, taboo, no-no bodily functions. I'm glad these guys are boys, I wouldln't have clue one what to do with a girl. Except fight, because we all know that if I did have one she would be just like me, and that's something this world doesn't need to see! Wyatt's enough like me that we butt heads (I said butt) if he was a girl, I'd probably be in prison, or a full blown alcoholic, either way I would be of no use to anyone!
Did you know that Sunday is Mother's Day? I just realized that yesterday, and it occured to me yesterday, when the kids were telling me all about their super secret school art projects that they are not supposed to talk about... These kids couldn't keep a secret if they tried, but it works out well in the lying department, because transparacy is my friend... :) Who knows how long that's going to last, but I intend to take advantage as long as I can. One of the latest tricks these kids like to pull is teaming up in lies when they do something wrong, what they don't know is I can piece almost anything together in a matter of seconds, yes I'm just that good! So far this week is pretty good, which means the next showdown will be a whopper.
I don't really know what the point of all that was, part venting, part rambling I suppose. I think about things like that and it makes me crazy, but to be honest in the grand scheme of things, they are incredibly good kids. They don't get physical with one another like I did with my siblings, and they help eachother out when they really need it. Oh gosh, was that a silver lining??? I guess so! I'll be damned!
Quick subject change, I want to wish my parents a happy anniversary, did you know that I proposed to my mom for my dad? Well we all did, but I was 5, and I truly only remember me doing it. I'm really lucky to have such wonderful parents, so Happy Anniversary, and I couldn't love you more!

Rollercoaster...

I hate not really knowing how to feel. Watching Undercover Boss lastnight, waiting for the emotional ending, and it's interupted by a news brief that that well known asshole piece of shit, bin laden is dead. I had to deal with pissed off kids for 10 minutes, because they wanted to see the ending too, but that's neither here nor there. Within seconds people were announcing all over facebook, the news, and within minutes, the conspiracy theories were coming out. Come on, really???? Can't we just enjoy this small victory for a little while? I'm not saying don't question it, but think of the people that were involved. Our own service members who had to (successfully) try to live through what was destined to be an ugly fire fight. Soapbox Jamie just wants everyone to take a day, take some time to live in the glory of the moment. I'm not celebrating the death of a human, but the death of what that 1 person represents. Our entire country is so deeply effected my fear that having that one little victory may prove to band us all together, if only for a little while. President Obama did the right thing at the right moment, and I can honestly say that I am proud of him, I'm proud of our military, and I really don't want to see this made into an issue about lies, or god, or anything like that. Enjoy this small amount of sunshine in a time when we are all looking for any in the gray clouds of financial and economical despair, and in a couple days if you still aren't satisfied, start your rants!
Ok, back to business. It was a tough day for Wyatt yesterday. He is the one going through the rollercoaster of emotions right now. He loves me, and he hates me. He loves and idolizes his Dad, and because Ebin gets to see his Dad more, I think he resents John a little (although on Johns last trip home he actually sort of warmed up, which was really really nice.) I have Wyatt talking to his counselor at school once a week, and his Dad did have a talk with him about his attitude toward myself and John. I really appreciated that, I need that backup. I know I whine about being alone with the kids, but they are pre-pubesant boys, and if I didn't know better I would think they were fully equipped with little estrogen factories... Bitch and moan, bicker and fight, blah blah blah. They're like 2 monkeys fighting over 1 banana all the time, so having the extra referees is really great! Hillary Clinton was the one that said it takes a village to raise a child, and I can say that I do believe that, it just so happens that my village is a blended family of carnies and circus freaks! We run the gammut of religious and social beliefs, and yet we have all found a way to make it work. And fairly peacfully I might add! I just wish there was more I could do to take away Wyatt's hurt, but I think for now I have struck a fairly good balance. So today is for him, and his brothers! (And America-f*ck yeah!)

Ok, ok, I'll do it... :)

So, as far as I can tell it's been about 6 weeks since I spent any time on my blog, and I have had quite a few people ask if I'm going to write, or loudly spell it out on my facebook wall (thanks Tiff!) and for my absence I appologize. In all honesty I have been lazy, if not falling back into my old habits. Depression really rears it's ugly head with me every now and then, but after John was home this last time I realized just how important it is to stay on top of myself. For the first time ever, I was honestly afraid that I had ruined the relationship I have with this wonderful man. I am incredibly lucky, and I managed to put all of that on the back burner so that I could spend my days moping vvb and feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm starting to get back on track, and now it's time to take into consideration my other responsiblities. I didn't realize just how cathartic writing this blog has been for me. I think the void that has been there for so many years was finally being filled, I found something that I really love to do, and I nearly threw it all away. So starting today, May 1st, I'm going to try to get back into my routine and just keep going with this. I have too much to say to just sit around my house in silence.
On that note, let's recap: I went to Butte for St. Pat's and it was pretty much the most epic drunk I've ever had. Yes I said drunk... very very unapologetically drunk. The next day was the Korn concert, the day that I swore I was going to drive because I drank faaaar too much the day before. All bet's were off when I saw all of my Missoula friends that I miss so badly. Thank you Maria for taking the reigns on that one, I was a total mess!!! I had such an incredible weekend with my cousins and friends that when I got home I was totally sad, and it was kind of the beginning of my near total colapse. I was sent back to the place I was in before I was pregnant with Logan, the place that was more fun than I had ever had in my life. Surrounded by my friends, out enjoying myself, and really not caring what happened next. It felt so good that coming home to all of my lonliness and responsiblities seemed like a step down. *imagine whistling noise* Downward spiral my friends, and I may have felt almost worse than before I even started to take care of myself. (which, by the way, I have lost 30 lbs!) My kids didn't like me much, or I them for that matter, and when John came home I was so relieved, I was almost on a super high until right before he left, then I just shut down. Fear of being alone I suppose, of being left here with just the kids and no hope in sight, but when I was at my worst, John was at his best, and he said some things that really resonated with me. He encouraged me to talk to someone (he has before, but I have always put it off) encouraged me to get out and actually do something with myself, because just going to the gym wasn't cutting it anymore. So I have seen a therapist, once, and he really didn't have much to say, other than I'm perfectly normal, all of these feelings are things that most people feel in my situation, they are just amplified by the depression, and considering family history, maybe we should look deeper into the type of depression I have, maybe it isn't as cut and dry as I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, I have some other issues that I have spent my whole life trying to forget, or being angry about that I have never really addressed them. It was like watching puzzle pieces fall into place, one by one. So my little puzzle universe is certainly far from complete, but I feel like the outward edges are coming together, and now I can start to build from the inside, one piece at a time. Its a pretty big relief to be honest, I really did think that I was crazy. So I have to thank John for all of the support he gives me, and the love. I have to thank my friends for reading all of this, and keeping on me to keep going, and I have to thank my kids, whom without, there would be no me! So I got that all out of my system and I promise when I write again I will fill it with some actual stories, and all of my awesomeness... (yes, after St. Pat's, I am OFFICIALLY awesome, even have the tshirt to prove it!!!!)

Kinda scary...

Wow, what a night the whole entire earth had. I woke up at 1 am, to turn off the tv, and instead I was greeted with the news of a horrifying earthquake, tsunamis, death and distruction, with more looming in the very near future. I realize that I tend to be excitable, I blow things out of proportion, but I am honest about the sickness I felt when I saw it. A former roommate and very good friend lives in Japan, he and his wife recently had a baby, which on its own is stressful,I can't imagine the terror they all felt. Every ounce of my heart goes out to all the families affected by this tragedy. I did find out that my friend and his family are ok, which is fantastic, but it doesn't lessen the fact that an island the size of California has, in 1 short day, been completely changed. Not that there is a way to stop an earthquake, but one could only wish for a way to make this devestation a little easier on the people involved, that they may find their loved ones, and have the opportunity to rebuild their lives.
It is events like this that make people look inside and take stock in their priorities, or at least that's the way it works for me. I have so many fears for the future of myself and my family. I have spent years letting those fears cripple me against achieving things that I am so capable of. I worry about everything from whether my alarm will go off to whether or not I'm good enough for my own husband and kids. Change is always difficult, and all of my own recent changes become daunting tasks that I will surely never be able to complete, and I get bummed out and act like a big fat spoiled little snot. Seeing what I saw happening in the world made me reflect on just how good I have it, and from now on I'm going to look for the little sunshine spots in my day and make the most of them, and use that energy to realize some of those forgotten dreams. Maybe show the kids that actually LIVING the precious days a person has on this earth, is so much more fulfilling than just being alive. I'm on the right path, I suppose it takes a few wrong turns before you look at the map, and its a map that I have to make myself. I guess I had better invest in some crayons and paper...

Week 2: Positive outcomes only... right???

Hi! Hiiiiiii! (Picture me waving like a mental patient.) I have been lazy about writing, but I have to do this from my phone, so please bear with me! You will???? Oh you are the awesomest! So good news today, I'm currently exceding my gym goal of 2 lbs a week, I have managed to lose an extra pound both weeks. Hooray!!! It was wonderful having John home, he really helped me get motivated again, mixed with our fun little competition, and the great luck we had finding a trainer, and I feel like a brand new person. My "baby fat" is shrinking, I can officially see my feet without moving the continental divide out of the way! I can now tell that all of my pants are not only too short, but too stinkin big! I know its not a lot of weight, but the difference in how I feel is immeasurable. I have an addictive type of personality, and going to the gym has become my outlet for that, I get my fix, I get aggression out, and I am losing this weight! I honestly just expected to wake up one morning skinny, but, much like high school, I have learned that hard work really pays off! The kids are saying I'm happier too, I have even invited one of Ebins friends for a sleepover! That's huuuuuge. I've always considered bars to be general recreational activity, but now that I'm going to the gym almost daily, I realize that just being in my own space for an hour is the one big thing I have needed all this time! (John, from the very depths of my soul, thank you!) I am going to keep it short here because the phone isn't exactly "writer friendly", but I do want to say this: I will be in Butte for St. Pats, if you want an autograph... ha ha, who am I kidding??? Anyway if you want to see me, there is a good possiblity that I will be passed out somewhere, I've been really good, and I can't wait to spend a weekend with my cousins, embarrassing the shit outta myself... I'm very good at that!

First week down...

I decided to spend the last few days with my family. John left this morning, and I really just wanted to try to enjoy that time, unlike the last few times when I was more depressed, and the last few days were always filled with me being super-bitch because I resented the fact that I am with the kids alone. Yep, that's really fair. The worst part is that I would be a jerk to him, be angry, and have no clue why! That seems like a good basis for a healthy relationship, but I guess changing is going to take all parts of myself, good and bad! I spent so much time worrying about myself, that I couldn't see those last couple days are just as hard on him, and I was only making it worse for both of us. The difference this time is that my head is on a little straighter this time. We had a really wonderful time, we went bowling, we ate pizza, and ice cream, and threw all caution to the wind, and it was really great. I think that while he was home this timewe found something healthy to do together, and the combination of that, mixed with the fact that I now have something constructive to look foward to that occurs outside of the house, and sans kids, really improved my overall demeanor. Don't be fooled by the man behind the curtain though, I have a lot of personality to improve upon. I'm only saying it was easier to cope this time, hopefully there will be a vast improvement for the next time he's home, so that all can be wonderful. He's very patient with me, and I don't always deserve it, but he is just awesome!
Tomorrow I go see my trainer, but I managed to skip the last couple days to spend time with the fam, and I ate like a pig, and I have been sitting around all day trying to figure out a way to go to the gym tonight, or at least have a good excuse for not going... I'm so lame I just can't! So on that note, I'm going to bed. I know this is short, but for the next month I don't have a computer, so the phone is my communication tool! Hooray technology!

Fit Challenge: Days 1 & 2

Ooooooh it's March, that means so many damned things, 1) John goes back to Alaska, 2) Ebin's birthday (he IS a young adult now, just ask him!) 3) A full weekend with my cousins, and friends and music and St. Patrick's day wonderment, 4) Last but not least, the challenge! I can tell you, I'm not normally a competative person, but allow me to explain the relationship I have with my friend who is the other party in this fitness madness. We have been friends since 1st grade, I think. Our birthday's are within a couple of days of eachother, and through grade school we were together all the time. We both wanted to be the best and smartest and prettiest, but I just didn't have the kind of passion that she did. While she worked hard and had goals, I just sort of skated by, and by middle school we had grown apart. That passion has helped her reach her goal of being a lawyer, which is something she wanted even as a kid. I have to admit, I always wanted to prove that I could do as well as her, but I guess I've spent the majority of my adult life scared of what I didn't know. How silly is that, now I realize that I have always been capable of reaching whatever I want, I just had to make an effort, and she has become pretty much my biggest ally (aside from my husband, of course!) in all of this new stuff I'm trying to accomplish. She has given me great advice, and really was the one that gave me the idea to start writing. Who knew that all these years later, it would all come full circle, and I would have the good fortune of gaining an old friend back! So we were talking in the middle of February, and decided that we both needed some extra motivation to move, and we came up with this idea. Why not exercise, and keep track of time, calories burned, miles, etc. whatever we have access to information about, and compare notes at the end of the week, then at the end of the month, whoever has the best numbers will earn a prize from the other person! Sounds like a plan to me, in fact I even told my trainer, and he was stoked. I'm really excited about this, I feel like there is no time like the present to really challenge myself, and whether or not I win, I'm fine with it, because I will have accomplished something good!
Yesterday was the first day, March 1st, and wouldn't you know it, I was so effin achy yesterday that I had no desire to go to the gym. I really didn't think I could do it, but John is wonderful, and he pushed me (mostly because I told him to make me) and ultimately I went. I'm glad I did too, because once I actually started moving, all of that feeling cruddy went away, and the motivation showed up. I really think that had I skipped lastnight, today would have been awful when I saw my trainer. He already promised he was going to kick my ass, and he definately lived up to that promise. What a pumpkin he is... I actually asked him if anyone has ever hit him, poor kid, I hope he knows I'm just playing when I say stuff like that! His answer was pretty good, he said no, but a lot of people had wanted to! Fair enough! I'm really glad we decided to hire him, he's really fantastic, and even though I've only had a couple sessions, it's amazing how much better I feel already! Sore has become just a part of day to day activities, and not something that stops me from functioning, but instead something that helps motivate me by reminding me how hard I have already worked! I love the gym, I love that I get some time alone to do my own thing, I love that I'm already feeling stronger, and in hindsight, I should have done this years ago! I'm really pleased with my first day of the challenge, and I'm really excited to compare notes, and I'm also excited that my cousin's wife (who is a total doll face!) is going to do it with us! 3 people, 3 different parts of the country, and we are all working toward the same goal! Oh internet, you are a fabulous power when left in the hands of the right people!

Day 34: Busy day...

I don't think that I have stopped running all day. I don't even have a job and I feel like I worked a 16 hour shift. It goes something like this: wake up, get kids ready, take John and Logan to the gym, go to neurologist, pick up John, nutrition store, lunch, Costco, pick up Wyatt, run home and clean a little, pick up Ebin, take John to get taxes done, take Ebin to tutor, pick up John, pick up Ebin, cook dinner, clean some more, get kids ready for bed, go to gym, and now this!!!! (Whoa that was a mouth full... or a handful... I'm tired, leave me alone on the technicalities!) The good news is that the neurologist went very well, my brain is perfectly healthy, despite years of abuse, I will not need any more test, no more worry, all is good. Something really good came out of all the weird crap that happened in December, and that would be this whole personal revamping. I have really realized in the last couple days just how much better I feel. I am sore, but it's great, I'm beginning to see a difference in my body, and it's going to be fantastic when I reach my goals! The month of March is going to be especially fun, I know that I wrote about the challenge my friend and I are competing against eachother in, and it starts tomorrow. I'm glad that I have to do it, because my trainer is planning on kicking my ass Wednesday, so I guess that having a goal in sight is the best thing that I can do!
Speaking of our trainer, when John and I see him, it's seperately, and we are both kind of chatty people, so I'm guessing that after a day of the two of us, he must go home and shake his head for about an hour. We have actually tattled on eachother to this guy!!! I told on John for what he was eating, and he told on me for skipping the gym!!! Who the hell needs counseling when you can just bitch to the next person you meet! We are lucky that he is a nice guy, because I don't know that many people would tolerate a couple of thirty-somethings complain about the other's habits! I'm sure he can tell how much John and I care for eachother, because he really doesn't have much to say... He's like a bartender... Only his bar sells pain instead of booze.
Well I have officially hit the tired wall, and I really need to go to bed, tomorrow is going to be another big adventure... I can assure you that Large Marge did not send me. (If you are old, you'll get the joke! Old like me I mean!!!!)
"T

Day 33: Push ups my ass....

Today marked the second session with my trainer. I learned two very important things today. 1) There are muscles in places that you wouldn't believer, and 2) I am a ginormous pussy. I can pretty much guarantee that my trainer thinks I am the biggest weinie to ever step foot in that gym, I was winded by about the 3rd second of strength training. To my credit, I did complete everything that I was supposed to, but just getting into plank formation was a joke. (that's like a push up, but not actually lifting yourself, just sort of hovering with your arms bent. yeah, it's awesome...) I plan to leave as soon as the kids are in bed and go back to the gym and do my 20 minutes of cardio that I didn't complete on that god damned eliptical. I admit, the only real reason that I even want to is because I have another session on Wednesday, and I don't want to look like such a turd, and the only way that's going to happen is if I actually put in the work. Why did I not just do it earlier, you might ask? Well we were invited to a birthday party in Absorkee, and I wanted to get cleaned up before we went. Yes I am one of those girls that needs to wear make-up before I leave the house, I don't know what my hang up is, I am even guilty of wearing make-up to the gym the first day. I did get over that, what a hot mess I was... My hope here, is that when I lose a signifigant amount of weight I won't feel so self consious about how I look. It's not like it's a new thing for me either, I've always been insecure about how I look. John has got to be the most amazing person ever, he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, that certainly helps, and if I lose the weight, then I can start to believe it! I'm getting there, slowly but surely, and that whole make-up to the gym thing, well let's just say that lesson has been learned!
Today's birthday party was for John's brother in law, who has got to be one of the nicest people in the history of the universe. I always enjoy being there, and seeing the family. The kids get along great, everyone really enjoys each other's company, it's really nice. Today was a little harder for me, I wanted to drink with everyone so bad, I wanted a cigarette soooo bad, I just wanted to call it all off and just get wasted. (not that anyone was really getting wasted, but that's what I wanted!) John, being my knight in shining armour, didn't drink at all, I think he must have noticed that I was uncomfortable. I seriously had to FIGHT having an anxiety attack over it. Who the hell gets so worked up over a beer??? It's so friggin' stupid, I can't justify it at all, except to say that parties and drinking go hand in hand for me, and I do miss it, and I do plan on doing it again, but if I start this soon, what's the point of even trying??? I made it through, no drinks, and I think I may have also made kind of a rude mistake. They made big pots of Chicken and Noodles, which I Loooooove, and I didn't eat. I think it was kind of inconsiderate of me, but I wasn't trying to be rude. I want to take the diet seriously, and I'm afraid that if I started to eat that lovely looking soup, I wouldn't have stopped, and that would have shot all of that hard work this morning, right in the foot. I think in the long run that would hurt a whole lot more than my sad, sore muscles do right now! I just hope that I didn't look like a snot, that wasn't my intention at all, I was perfectly happy with the company! Now I'm going to go try to get these kids to bed... holy cow, they're like little crazy people today, please wish me luck!

Days 30, 31, and 32: Chaos...

Today is Saturday, yes I skipped days, more than I ever have, I will beg for forgiveness on my knees at some point when things slow down, I swear. No I mean it, I should have written sooner, but I have to tell you, I forgot how a baby with an ear ache can interfere with your day to day activities. I can't stand to listen to him cry, I am, what you might call, an enabler. For example: Logan: aaaaaaahhhh, Me: come here baby and snuggle Mommy, etc. I will bend at his will, and everyone else gets nothing!!! No joke, after the last couple days it's amazing that I have gotten anything done, he has taken up that much time. It is nice having John home, but Logan's not as comfortable with him as he is with me, so I'm the only person he really wants when he's sick. I cook, I clean, I coddle, if I wore dresses I would be the swearing version of Donna Reed. I can't even imagine trying to have to fill shoes like that, I don't know how OCD parents have time to keep their houses spotless! I can't! I can barely keep track of what day it is, let alone keeping a house clean! Anyway, the last couple days have gone something like this: Thursday we got a new wash machine, which is awesome, it would be even more awesome if it was coming to my house before Tuesday. I have more laundry piled up than they have in the dumpsters at the goodwill. This, of course, is not helping the whole house cleaning thing! Oh well, as long as we have clothes to wear until then, we are just fine, right? Just so that you are aware, yes, we went and bought all of us new socks and chones, so you don't have to worry, we are covered! Yesterday was fun filled, went to the doc, and things went well, she's really happy with the progress I've made in the weight loss department, and she adjusted things a little for me and off I went. Then we ran around town until it was time to get the boys, we went to hell mart, and guess what yesterday was??? It was test out the stupid ass door alarms day. Almost every person who went through got buzzed, and we had to wait in line just to prove we paid for everything. It was John's prescription that made it buzz, but come on!!!! Luckily she caught it right away, so she didn't have to go through our bags full of socks and underwear! After that we came home, and I snuggled Mr. Crabby Pants, and the boys went and stayed at Ebin's gramma's house, and we had a date night which consisted of me cooking dinner, snuggling the baby and watching John sleep on the floor. I was in bed before 9. The worst part of all of this is that I haven't been to the gym even once since I saw my trainer the other day. I need to go, and I'm hoping to get away tonight, this whole leaving thing isn't going as well as I had planned! I need to work out a little before I go tomorrow, or the trainer's going to think I'm a total slacker, I'll admit to the slacker part, but not a total slacker, it takes to much energy to do anyting like that all the way... ha ha! I have been good about what I eat though, so at least I have one step covered! It's been different having John home and having to cook two meals for everyone, he's on the "it's ok if I eat whatever I want, because I'm pretty sure that it's no big deal" plan. I made the dire mistake of getting all of the snacky garbage out of the house before he came home, and replacing it all with healthy stuff. I didn't realize that having healthy food in the house translates into having no food at all, stupid me... So I guess I will adjust the way I'm doing things again, which has made it hard to stick to my diet, not gonna lie. Tomorrow morning I will go see the trainer, and when he reads the food diary he'll be happy for the most part, but I doubt I lost any weight like I should have! Ugh, with all the bitching, I guess I must need a personality adjustment...

Day 29: What a day...

Remember how I've mentioned that I was working out at home... ha ha ha ha ha ha! Are you kidding me? All this time I thought that working out at home had prepared me for starting at the gym. I think it's comparable to my guitar hero skills. I may rock on beginner, but there is no way I could go out and play an actual guitar at an actual concert!!! Holy moly. I was on an eliptical machine for a whoppin' 20 minutes, and when I got off I could barely walk. It felt like my hips didn't have bones in them anymore, and now this evening I am so sore I can't believe it! I guess that means I need to go everyday for a little while just so that I can get used to this. My body is rediculously weak, I should have been able to do that no problem, but I'm up to the challenge. I have lots of ibuprofen!!! I went for my first session with the trainer, and we spent a good part of the hour just preparing for what's coming up. He took body fat percentage, and checked my balance and my posture, went through a meal plan, then threw me up on that eliptical. He wanted me to stay on for 30 minutes, and I just couldn't do it, but everyday can be a milestone I suppose, now I just have to figure out how to tell him that I couldn't do it! (We spent a lot of time on the other stuff, so he didn't have time to work with me because he had another appointment!) So here are the details, I weighed in at 216 lbs(totally over indulged yesterday, don't judge me!! ha ha!!!) My body fat is at about 34%, which is basically what I expected, but I have to be honest, hearing it come out of someone else's mouth is kind of a shock! The diet plan is eating 5-6 times daily, and really it's not a whole lot different than what I have been doing, so at least I know that I was doing one thing right! When I was finished and cooled down a bit, I went with my graceful jelly legs walk to pick Logan up from the daycare, and when I walked in he was just sobbing, and had been for a while! Seriously! He has been in a daycare for about 2 hours all together so far and he was falling apart. I felt terrible, I felt bad that I left him, I felt bad that I hadn't been there to make him feel better, and I felt bad for the girl working, she doesn't need that! Just one more hurdle, I need to seperate myself from him a little, he can't be a momma's boy, there is no woman out there crazy enough to love a momma's boy that came from this crazy mama, and I really don't want any kids living at home in their 30's, so he's gonna need someone else to take care of him! I am, of course, smiling as I write that, but I have to convince myself to cut the cord sometime!
After the gym we went to home depot to buy a wash machine, just kind of a cheaper model, but I don't care, as long as I can get some of this great, awesome, super terrific laundry done. While we were shopping, Logan didn't calm down much, he was ok in the store, but he didn't really perk up like normal, then he started to get warm. Craaaaaaaap, this can't be happening, I want to get to the gym tomorrow. Sure enough, he's been kind of draggy all day, and in the middle of the afternoon, John took a nap, that was 7 hours ago, and the poor guy is still sleeping! He never does that! He feels like garbage, Ebin also feels like garbage, and that means that the next couple days are pretty wrapped up, so if I really want to get myself to the gym I need to do it while everyone is asleep. It doesn't matter if I get sick, usually that means that I just feel shitty while I take care of everyone else. (It's in the mom contract, look it up...) Now with all of that in mind I'm going to crash early and try to get my achy muscles some rest and prepare for what could be a long weekend with the kids!

Day 28: New beginning...

John came home lastnight! Hooray for meeeee! It never gets old, seeing his face for the first time after weeks away. I learned a few things at the Billings airport about holidays. #1) It doesn't matter if the holiday is only Presidents Day, someone will make an excuse to go to Disneyland and hop the home flight that lands at midnight. This, of course, leads to very cranky, teenage-angst ridden, no doubt vampire loving (they are just so deep, you know) little girls who whine about having to go to school in the morning then call their parents names... AFTER A VACATION TO DISNEYLAND. Are you serious? That little girl needs to get a little wake up call... Just sayin'... #2) When you stand next to someone who is also waiting, and they find someone to talk very loudly to, (so you can't help but eavesdrop) it is very easy to become a little confused when she is talking about picking up her brother, and when he comes down the stairs they chest bump, then promptly put their hands inside the other's back pocket. I can honestly say I don't remember that part of sibling-hood. #3) It doesn't matter who you are, belching as loud as you can while walking past a woman who is standing alone, is funny shit. Odds are the first thing she will think of is the males in her life and how that is the base form of all entertainment in her life at home, and chuckle. I guess that's kind of a gross generalization, but for as much as I want to hate the rude stuff, I don't, I think it's funny, burps, farts, public puking while driving (seen it twice!) all that crap that you are taught your whole life to be polite about. I can't help it, if I didn't think it was funny I probably would have killed someone by now, I mean Logan's only 18 mos old and already thinks it's funny! Oh, yeah, back to the airport. So all of these fun things happened right in front of me, and the icing on the cake was the announcement that one flight had some of it's luggage misplaced, and it arrived earlier in the evening, but they weren't really sure where, I'm assuming this isn't really something that one wants to hear at midnight after being on a plane. I watched all of this stuff go on around me, and began to get a little nervous that it was a sign that John would be delayed, and he was, but only for a few minutes. He arrived safe and sound and ready for the next 2 weeks, after some much needed sleep of course.
You might ask what we have planned for the next couple of weeks, well I have one definate answer, because we got up this morning and after I took the kids to school, we went and joined a gym. I know I've been feeling down, and sort of unmotivated, but this really perked me up. They have a daycare, you know what that means? I can exercise alone!!! Also we bought some sessions with a trainer, which I am super excited about. All along the one thing that I've really been missing is someone to help me figure out what's going to work best, and I'm really excited, I think it will help a ton. Just talking with them today I felt really motivated again, and having John around makes it easier to make myself do it! I'm looking at tomorrow, not as the beginning to a long road of hard work, but as a new start to a new healthy life. My kids are way too young to have a mom with arthritis, or other health problems that run in my family! I'm excited to find out what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, and how I can meet in the middle. I want to be productive, I want to be happy and I really think this is the next step! I also realized, through our little talk with the trainer today, that my hubby has very different ideas about diet and exercise. He has his mind set on what he wants to do physically, and what he wants to eat, and even though it goes against everything I have done so far, it's working for him! He is facing such different obsticals than I am. They have their food provided, and they cater more to the meat and potato types, not a whole lot of healthy options, and they have a gym, but again it's pretty limited, so I will be interested to see how this works out for us. In the infamous words of my little buddy Spongebob, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!"