Dear NFL, I know that I made the decision to be healthy, while knowing full well that this week and next week are the most fun NFL weekends of the year, but I would think that since I am such a big fan you could have enough respect for me to cancel these events so that I would not feel tempted to completely shoot progress in the ass. What do you mean they won't hear me??? Dammit....
I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach, that anticipation of a really great football day, full of food and drinks. In the past I have spent most football sundays making appetizers, or going to bars to watch games and be with friends, bars haven't been much in the last 2 years, but food, always. As far as the drinking goes, that's what I woke up craving. Aaaahhhh Mimosas, and some Bacardi later, with a nice cigarette backer... ooooh that sounds terrific. I've always liked to drink, I am a very happy drunk... and I don't do anything stupid, well except nearly every time I drink. Hangovers are just fine too, I love nothing more than feeling shitty all day, and making my kids miserable, it's great. I honestly wish that I was the person that could have just a few drinks and be ok with that, but for the most part I'm not. If I have one I want to continue until I can't walk. It takes away all the stress and all the pain and makes me forget that there are other people and things in the world that I care about. I don't know that I would call myself an alcoholic, but I could easily fall into it, which is why during this journey I have decided to not drink. Not to mention that losing weight is much easier without alcohol. Really for the most part, I haven't missed it too much, except for today, and I'm positive next Sunday will be even harder! NFL is a huge trigger, I am really going to have to talk myself out of it, so I've enlisted my kids to help, if I go to the store (which I do not need anything so that is really the only reason I would go) they have promised to throw fits if I go near the beer aisle. I have asked them to be the police for me, because I need them to tell me no. I need to remember that having a good time is really just as much fun without it! My husband is so incredible too, he drinks, on occasion, and maybe 3 or 4 drinks. He is the only person I have ever been able to go out with and have A drink and not feel like I need to get wasted, I love his company, and I love being with him, and I just don't feel like it's a priority in his company! Since he isn't here, the kids get to take up all the slack, but they are incredibly good at it!
Which brings me to my next point, I woke up feeling that way, and knew it's wasn't in the cards, and my mood was not sunny, to say the least. I wanted to blow it all, and go to the store and get beer and wings and all of the other really super good stuff I would normally have during the probowl. Screw it, I deserve to be happy, and if I want to deep fry some crap and shove it in my face I will! If I want to sit down and drink way too much and enjoy a football game, I will... I got out of bed and immediately snapped at Wyatt, and I don't even know why. I looked outside and saw snow, and it made me more cranky... I yelled at the dog, and them something happened. Wyatt just gave me a hug. He held me, and told me he loved me and that he thinks I'm a good mom. (goofy kid) Now I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because I realize that being a good mom is what I want, and through all of the awful things I have brought to the table these kids love me no matter what. I could not possibly be luckier. Great husband, amazing kids, and I might be the broken piece of the puzzle, but I'm ready to fix myself. It's only been a few days, and for me to be able to change my outlook on a day like today is really really out of character. I'm ready to face today, even if it is tough. I made the kids and myself some nice breakfast, and took a few minutes just to chill out, and make sense of all the crazy feelings I had. It seems to have worked, the drinking temptation has subsided, and now I'm just looking forward to a nice day. I am even, as I write this, dancing to the Wiggles with Logan and Wyatt, Ebin is at church with his Gramma, otherwise he would have been in the thick of it too!!! I'm not a great dancer, but I love it, and the kids do, it's great! Ok, moving on....
Yesterday I was pretty productive. I exercised, ate well, and even got to see my cousin, which is a real treat, she and her sisters have been sisters to me for as long as I can remember. Before she came over the kids and I played Wii Monopoly, and I threw on some Pandora radio, and rather than sit and play, I danced to songs and played. Music is going to be my big ally in all of this, I'm really selective about what I listen to, I like my Metal, that's my absolute favorite, and I like Reggae, which is what I was dancing to. It won't be too often that you'll read about me listening to any kind of pop or country for any reason, it makes me want to stuff gum in my ears and melt it so I never have to hear it again. You do what you like, and you can spend all the time in the world trying to convince me that I will like a song.... I won't, I'm stubborn and I've talked myself out of it. I'm going to stick to what I like, and what keeps me motivated! What I haven't mentioned is the pedometer, I bought one yesterday, in the afternoon. That was hours after I had been up, exercised, and run a few errands, parking as far away in the parking lots as I could so that I was forced to walk further, and I walked fast. By the end of the day the pedometer read 3026, which exceeds my goal of 2000, and it was for just the latter half of the day. I'm really pleased with that, it means that reaching 10,000 won't be hard. I'm trying to just keep moving... pretty sure the lady behind me in line at Walgreens thought I had to pee, but that's ok, I have boys, 80 percent of my time out of the house is spent being socially embarrassed... it's just part of the gig now!
Now I'll move into the rest of my day today with a little sunnier outlook, snow not withstanding, and I will make some food for the game, but I have veggies and fruit, and I'm not going to leave the house, but I'm going to play with my kids, and probably dance some more!!! It really is Sunday Funday...
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