Decisions, decisions.....

Part of my own personal curse is this feeling that I am really only as good as the job that I do, and I must exhude that same feeling, because I can't seem to get ahead. The job that I have now is really great, I enjoy it, I like the people I work with, and I make less money than anyone there, in spite of the fact that I work just as hard, take whatever shifts I have to, my sales are really good, and yet I haven't seen any chance to move up, even though I have expressed that. I was gone for a couple weeks because of my little mental setback, but they welcomed me back with open arms. It was great. Of course I'm not getting a raise, now I'm not sure that anyone even takes me seriously. I would love to stay at this job, but since I was hospitalized my priorities have shifted a little. It's not really that I want to quit, and have to go out and find a new job and start all over again, I just feel sort of stupid for hanging on the way that I have. I was under the impression that the job I have now would be very temporary, then I would have the opportunity to move up. Everyone else at that same meeting has either moved up or quit. I feel like a damned doormat. My wonderful husband sees that I'm not as happy with it as I was before. He's my biggest supporter, and tells me that if I am not happy I should leave, he's even given me an application for a different job, where I would be happy for sure, but I'm holding back on it because I don't want anyone at my current job to be mad at me for leaving. I'm so torn, I really have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do, I know I can make more money somewhere, but how do I leave when maybe there might be a chance that at some time in the future I might have the opportunity to do something more than what I'm doing now.... God I sound like an idiot. Most people would have (and already have) left, I just really have a fear of hurting someones feelings, or disappointing anyone, leaving me wide open for hurt feelings and disappointment. Well, for today anyway, I'm going to go, I'm going to do my best, just like every other day, and maybe I'll make a decision later.... it's so effed in the a.
On that happy note, my friend Stacy came to town to see me, and it was really great to have someone else around, it's good to have friends like her. Her daughter is beautiful and getting so big. It was really fun to see her with Logan, they played really well together. (oooooh is there a future there???? I don't knoooooow) ha ha. See there is always something to laugh about!

Boy drama... aka not sorry I don't have girls!

Remember in grade school how there was always some big thing going on that was seriously going to end the world? In our house it happens about once a week that one of the boys isn't friends with someone because his friend said this, or did that, and they would never be friends again.... until tomorrow. My best friend in grade school and I fought like that daily! Who had the better clothes, the better toys, the better haircut, and so on. There was also the issue of "you can't have a crush on that new kid on the block because I do". You can't even imagine how many times the world ended when I was 10! We would plot and scheme and plan all sorts of different things to do. We even started our own club called "The Jean Jacket Club" and you could only be a member if you were our friend and had a jean jacket. Believe me, we still laugh about it to this day. We had sleepovers at my gramma's house, at her house and my house, but I always really liked the one's at my gramma's, because we didn't have siblings bugging us! We did all of these things while fighting like sisters. That was obviously a long time ago, and as years passed we lost contact. I always felt like it wasn't fair because her family must have been rich, and we always had a friend/rivalry sort of relationship. Jump ahead to the present, and now we are friends again, minus the rivalry, and she has become one of my biggest supporters. We lead very different lives, very far apart from one another, and somehow have managed to finally find a middle ground where we can just be friends. It must have something to do with that whole adulthood thing. I hesitate to say grown up, just because I refuse to grow up! From the moment I started on my diet, all through the worst of my depression, up until now, this same friend has been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and I find it really amazing that life can take you in so many circles.
This, of course, leads me to why I'm so happy I have boys. They will come home from school with the same sort of stories. He did this, he said that, we'll never be friends again, but the difference is that there isn't the sneaky sort of crap that girls resort to. It's never about who is fatter, or who has more stuff, or who is a nerd for whatever reason, it's just little things that happened while they were playing. Boys are more forgiving (they also smell worse, maybe that's the answer). They feel slighted, but they find a way to make it work in spite of angry feelings. If I had girls and they had best friends that acted anything like we did I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind, and that's not even counting the fact that if I had any girls they would be just like me, which, let's be honest, could be a real problem!!! If I had to deal with the type of hormonal crap that I went through... and put my parents through, someone might not survive! (I don't wanna go to prison, I'm delicate.) So Mom, I am very sorry for being a crazy bitch. In my adulthood I can see such a huge difference between how I acted and how the boys act. Wyatt has so much of my personality that it's a little scary, but at least he just gets pissed and moves on. He doesn't have the "make mom feel like shit for a week for not washing your favorite shirt" gene. After all that has happened in the last couple weeks I can tell you honestly that I couldn't be luckier in the kid department. It's a little sad that it took so much trauma to make life seem successful, but I do, and it's really wonderful. I say all of this now, a couple years before Junior High, but I really do think that the outlook is good! So if you are reading this, and you are frustrated with your kids, look back on your own childhood, and reflect a little on what was going on, and be greatful for those really awful times, because later, they will be laughable, and trivial, and the present will make up for all of it. It is called the present for a reason you know!

Trials and Tribulations of being a nerd...

When I was in grade school all I wanted in the whole world was to be one of the popular girls. I had a best friend from about 1st grade through 5th or 6th, and she was friends with a lot of the popular girls, but it never seemed to carry over to me. At least that was my perception. Looking back, of course, a lot of them did try and my best friend really tried, but I was trying too hard. I guess I really began to understand that about my junior year in high school. I had this amazing group of friends that weren't the popular kids, and had more fun than I ever had in my life. I have also become the fun person that people really want to be around, I make friends all the time, it's amazing! It carried over into adulthood when alot of the very same kids I tried to be friends with became friendly with me. I was weird, and I knew it. I'm not really sure what it was that made me weird, but I was and it took me a lot of time to figure that out. Part of my problem at that age was that when I had a friend I wanted to be the only friend, and have all the friend time focused on me. To me a group of friends meant that I wasn't an important one. Wow, it's truly amazing the amount of things I missed out on just because I couldn't share. It definately carried on at home too. I have a really special relationship with my mom, and I think I felt cheated that my brother and sister took up time too, especially when mental illness began to play a role, and the focus had to be more positioned on whatever sibling needed the most help at the time. I was angry, how in the world could it be fair that they got to be the center of attention just because they were sick, or struggling. I really do understand much better now, and I'm glad that I can see it for what it really was, because I feel more poised to take on any situations like that that may arise in the future. Really, considering the history of my family it's a very real possibility that one of my boys could be facing the same fate. I think that I'm beginning to have the tools to work with it if it does come up.
So today is the day that I go back to work, and I know I'm going to be looked at differently, which I don't really want, but I understand. I have been completely honest with my bosses and coworkers about how this all came about. I've decided that it's not worth being ashamed about, and it certainly isn't worth the judgement and all of the rumors that can start. I work with mostly women, and that whole thing can get out of hand! I'm just going to focus on the goals that I have set up for myself and charge ahead, what anyone thinks is just their issue. It may be easier said than done, but I'm ready to answer questions. The one thing that I'm really not too ready for is pity. I don't want that. It's not worth it for anyone to feel that way about me, this is an issue that I should have addressed years ago, but I was so afraid of people looking at me like the poor sick girl, and I didn't want to turn out like other people that I knew who always had whispers and pointed fingers, and someone always watching them everytime they fall. Instead I waited until I was so far gone that being forced to get help was my only option. I look at people with mental illness a lot differently now. The majority of people that I met in the unit were just like me, perfectly normal (insert laugh track here) but in desperate need of what I like to call a vacation from reality. It's no Hawaii, but there was time to think, and that's something I have never really taken! I don't remember a time when I could just be alone and enjoy silence. I've always taken the noise as just a normal part of life, well having 3 boys running around there is no such thing as quiet! I have requested about 1 hour a day to just sit in quiet, maybe reflect on some things, maybe nap... who knows. All I know is that 2 weeks ago I couldn't have even asked for fear I would be putting someone out of their way. Really the cool thing now is that I don't quite feel so stressed when it is noisy and I'm not finding myself stressing about things that are out of my control. That feels really good, so wish me luck on my first day back, and I'm sure I will be writing soon!

A little history...

I'm sure that when I was a kid I was a pretty happy one, my parents loved us and worked very hard to make sure we were well taken care of. Of course this was all after the death of my wife beating sperm donor of a father. Yeah, I've spent the last 28 years feeling like my life as an adult would be dependant on being nothing like that horrible man. I really have no contact with his side of the family even, by choice on both sides I believe, as I'm pretty sure they resented the fact that my mom got married to my dad and he adopted us. I have memories of some strange things from those first couple of years of my life. One was good, the rest would terrify a normal adult, and you know what, I'm going to go ahead and share some of that. (I'm sorry mom, but this needs to be done)
I was never abused or molested by this man, or anyone in his family, but I vividly remember him hitting my mom for buying the wrong kind of pot pies. I remember a lamp being thrown, and a rifle being pointed directly at my mom and I. I remember feeling tense a lot, and hiding in a big green chair that we used to have. I remember the night he died and feeling so scared that I wasn't going to have a family anymore. The police officer tried to teach me how to whistle in the car ride to my gramma's just to keep my mind off of all of it, then we got to my gramma's and everyone was crying, and although I knew what was going on, I was way too young to understand.
That's just sort of the quick rundown, I have 1 good memory, but oddly enough everyone in that memory is dead but me, and about 2 weeks ago I could easily have joined them. I could have left my kids with a lifetime of wondering if it was their fault that I was gone. Not my smartest move, that's for damned sure! I can't imagine my kids being my age and having such strong feelings about me being gone, I know the way it hurts, and I know how it feels to hate someone that isn't even there. That whole forgive and forget thing doesn't work that way!
Now that I'm home I feel like I need to start a different routine. I'm excited to get things going again, but maybe part of the reason I was struggling so much is because I've left myself wide open for failure. Maybe it's because of all the unanswered questions from when I was little, or maybe I'm just really lazy, I have no idea. I do know that it takes a lot for me to really stay involved in something and it has caused problems in every thing I've ever started. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I did need to let it out there, because if I don't then I leave myself open to stay exactly the same. There is only so much medication can do, I have to be willing to open myself up and at the very least accept the things in my past that have always been pushed to the back of my mind.
While I was in the unit, I met a really nice girl about my age, we'll call her Becky. Becky was checked in because she had a breakdown and chased her hubby down with a 2 by 4, ripped a door off of it's hinges, and had she been left to finish what she started, she probably would have killed someone! Now this girl is little, she might weigh 110 soaking wet, and has the sweetest personality I've ever seen, my mom totally fell in love with her, but it just goes to show that anyone can fall into sadness and pain, hell, really. (yes I don't believe in hell, I'm using it metaphorically). She really helped my realize that beauty is something that we all have and we can easily lose track of, so my goal for today is to not dwell on the past, and just make the absolute best out of everything that I have. I may not have much money, but I'm the richest woman alive.

Hey! Amemba me????

I want to appologize to anyone who has been looking forward to reading this blog. Me and my whopping 13 followers haven't had much touch lately, and I have decided that today is the day to begin to let you all understand why. When I started this it was sort of a mix of self encouragement, and a way to hold myself accountable when I screwed up. It really did work for a while, I felt the encouragement coming from friends, and it really helped keep me on track with my weight loss and excercise (which on it's own is a type of therapy). Then, true to Jamie form I tapered off, more and more until I pretty much just gave up. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, but this just lost the importance it held for me at first. It wasn't just the blog either, I lost interest in everything, this, work, tv, kids, hubby, pretty much everything I loved. I kept going about my daily routine in this sort of robotic way, even leaving the majority to my sister, and basically doing nothing. I might go to the gym once a week, I might cook a crappy dinner every now and then, and then I would turn into crazy super woman and be happy with everything and wait on my husband and kids, get things done, do everything I could to keep things going well, all the while getting no fulfillment out of it. John knew I wasn't ok, and everytime he asked I gave him the generic "everything is fine" answer. I had no way of really coping with feeling so down, so I started drinking a lot again, followed by spending copious amounts of money on groceries because I was convinced that my kids would starve. I can spend 1000 bucks and have nothing to show for it. Pretty much like everything I do, I put my heart into it, and in the end I have nothing to show for it. I'm what you might call lazy, at least that is what I thought. I charged along in the same routine, feeling less and less accomplished everyday, holding in all of this pain that I have probably been harboring my whole life. I have been trying so hard not to have the same mental issues that run in my family, that when I finally broke, I really broke. I didn't think that I was ever going to be able to dig myself out of this painful hole, and I thought it might not be a bad idea to just take a couple bottles of sleeping pills, drink a bunch of whatever booze I could find and just die. I'm serious when I say that I was within hours of trying. John asked me what was going on, why I couldn't just be happy, ever, and I bawled. There was nothing left, I'm 32, no career, no respect from my kids or my husband, not even able to make enough money at my piddly job to help pay bills. I don't know that I have ever cried that way. Suddenly painful memories from the last 25 years of my life flooded in and I panicked. My sister called the ER, and off I went. I am mortified that it went this far, I was so sure that I would be able to take care of myself and no one would ever have to know that sadness that kept me from being anything better than what I was. I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one who can keep it all together, and now I have a whole team of people watching and critisizing me, and making judgement calls as to whether I would be a danger to myself or others. (guess what????? I was! Shocker) Basically I spent 2 weeks in a psyche ward, the very last place I ever thought I would be. Later when things calm down to a dull roar I will explain about my adventures in the cuckoo's nest, but for now I will tell you I am elated that it happened. I had been misdiagnosed as just depressed before and the meds were doing more harm than good. Yep, I'm bipolar, and I have post traumatic stress disorder, and I was told it was a surprise that I had made it this long without doing anything to myself. So, for today, the good news is I'm home, John is making sure that I have a little time to readjust, and I'm pretty sure I will be ok. Thanks to everyone for all of the blind support, it was incredibly helpful and I promise to explain more next time!!!