Day 34: Busy day...

I don't think that I have stopped running all day. I don't even have a job and I feel like I worked a 16 hour shift. It goes something like this: wake up, get kids ready, take John and Logan to the gym, go to neurologist, pick up John, nutrition store, lunch, Costco, pick up Wyatt, run home and clean a little, pick up Ebin, take John to get taxes done, take Ebin to tutor, pick up John, pick up Ebin, cook dinner, clean some more, get kids ready for bed, go to gym, and now this!!!! (Whoa that was a mouth full... or a handful... I'm tired, leave me alone on the technicalities!) The good news is that the neurologist went very well, my brain is perfectly healthy, despite years of abuse, I will not need any more test, no more worry, all is good. Something really good came out of all the weird crap that happened in December, and that would be this whole personal revamping. I have really realized in the last couple days just how much better I feel. I am sore, but it's great, I'm beginning to see a difference in my body, and it's going to be fantastic when I reach my goals! The month of March is going to be especially fun, I know that I wrote about the challenge my friend and I are competing against eachother in, and it starts tomorrow. I'm glad that I have to do it, because my trainer is planning on kicking my ass Wednesday, so I guess that having a goal in sight is the best thing that I can do!
Speaking of our trainer, when John and I see him, it's seperately, and we are both kind of chatty people, so I'm guessing that after a day of the two of us, he must go home and shake his head for about an hour. We have actually tattled on eachother to this guy!!! I told on John for what he was eating, and he told on me for skipping the gym!!! Who the hell needs counseling when you can just bitch to the next person you meet! We are lucky that he is a nice guy, because I don't know that many people would tolerate a couple of thirty-somethings complain about the other's habits! I'm sure he can tell how much John and I care for eachother, because he really doesn't have much to say... He's like a bartender... Only his bar sells pain instead of booze.
Well I have officially hit the tired wall, and I really need to go to bed, tomorrow is going to be another big adventure... I can assure you that Large Marge did not send me. (If you are old, you'll get the joke! Old like me I mean!!!!)
"T

Day 33: Push ups my ass....

Today marked the second session with my trainer. I learned two very important things today. 1) There are muscles in places that you wouldn't believer, and 2) I am a ginormous pussy. I can pretty much guarantee that my trainer thinks I am the biggest weinie to ever step foot in that gym, I was winded by about the 3rd second of strength training. To my credit, I did complete everything that I was supposed to, but just getting into plank formation was a joke. (that's like a push up, but not actually lifting yourself, just sort of hovering with your arms bent. yeah, it's awesome...) I plan to leave as soon as the kids are in bed and go back to the gym and do my 20 minutes of cardio that I didn't complete on that god damned eliptical. I admit, the only real reason that I even want to is because I have another session on Wednesday, and I don't want to look like such a turd, and the only way that's going to happen is if I actually put in the work. Why did I not just do it earlier, you might ask? Well we were invited to a birthday party in Absorkee, and I wanted to get cleaned up before we went. Yes I am one of those girls that needs to wear make-up before I leave the house, I don't know what my hang up is, I am even guilty of wearing make-up to the gym the first day. I did get over that, what a hot mess I was... My hope here, is that when I lose a signifigant amount of weight I won't feel so self consious about how I look. It's not like it's a new thing for me either, I've always been insecure about how I look. John has got to be the most amazing person ever, he tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, that certainly helps, and if I lose the weight, then I can start to believe it! I'm getting there, slowly but surely, and that whole make-up to the gym thing, well let's just say that lesson has been learned!
Today's birthday party was for John's brother in law, who has got to be one of the nicest people in the history of the universe. I always enjoy being there, and seeing the family. The kids get along great, everyone really enjoys each other's company, it's really nice. Today was a little harder for me, I wanted to drink with everyone so bad, I wanted a cigarette soooo bad, I just wanted to call it all off and just get wasted. (not that anyone was really getting wasted, but that's what I wanted!) John, being my knight in shining armour, didn't drink at all, I think he must have noticed that I was uncomfortable. I seriously had to FIGHT having an anxiety attack over it. Who the hell gets so worked up over a beer??? It's so friggin' stupid, I can't justify it at all, except to say that parties and drinking go hand in hand for me, and I do miss it, and I do plan on doing it again, but if I start this soon, what's the point of even trying??? I made it through, no drinks, and I think I may have also made kind of a rude mistake. They made big pots of Chicken and Noodles, which I Loooooove, and I didn't eat. I think it was kind of inconsiderate of me, but I wasn't trying to be rude. I want to take the diet seriously, and I'm afraid that if I started to eat that lovely looking soup, I wouldn't have stopped, and that would have shot all of that hard work this morning, right in the foot. I think in the long run that would hurt a whole lot more than my sad, sore muscles do right now! I just hope that I didn't look like a snot, that wasn't my intention at all, I was perfectly happy with the company! Now I'm going to go try to get these kids to bed... holy cow, they're like little crazy people today, please wish me luck!

Days 30, 31, and 32: Chaos...

Today is Saturday, yes I skipped days, more than I ever have, I will beg for forgiveness on my knees at some point when things slow down, I swear. No I mean it, I should have written sooner, but I have to tell you, I forgot how a baby with an ear ache can interfere with your day to day activities. I can't stand to listen to him cry, I am, what you might call, an enabler. For example: Logan: aaaaaaahhhh, Me: come here baby and snuggle Mommy, etc. I will bend at his will, and everyone else gets nothing!!! No joke, after the last couple days it's amazing that I have gotten anything done, he has taken up that much time. It is nice having John home, but Logan's not as comfortable with him as he is with me, so I'm the only person he really wants when he's sick. I cook, I clean, I coddle, if I wore dresses I would be the swearing version of Donna Reed. I can't even imagine trying to have to fill shoes like that, I don't know how OCD parents have time to keep their houses spotless! I can't! I can barely keep track of what day it is, let alone keeping a house clean! Anyway, the last couple days have gone something like this: Thursday we got a new wash machine, which is awesome, it would be even more awesome if it was coming to my house before Tuesday. I have more laundry piled up than they have in the dumpsters at the goodwill. This, of course, is not helping the whole house cleaning thing! Oh well, as long as we have clothes to wear until then, we are just fine, right? Just so that you are aware, yes, we went and bought all of us new socks and chones, so you don't have to worry, we are covered! Yesterday was fun filled, went to the doc, and things went well, she's really happy with the progress I've made in the weight loss department, and she adjusted things a little for me and off I went. Then we ran around town until it was time to get the boys, we went to hell mart, and guess what yesterday was??? It was test out the stupid ass door alarms day. Almost every person who went through got buzzed, and we had to wait in line just to prove we paid for everything. It was John's prescription that made it buzz, but come on!!!! Luckily she caught it right away, so she didn't have to go through our bags full of socks and underwear! After that we came home, and I snuggled Mr. Crabby Pants, and the boys went and stayed at Ebin's gramma's house, and we had a date night which consisted of me cooking dinner, snuggling the baby and watching John sleep on the floor. I was in bed before 9. The worst part of all of this is that I haven't been to the gym even once since I saw my trainer the other day. I need to go, and I'm hoping to get away tonight, this whole leaving thing isn't going as well as I had planned! I need to work out a little before I go tomorrow, or the trainer's going to think I'm a total slacker, I'll admit to the slacker part, but not a total slacker, it takes to much energy to do anyting like that all the way... ha ha! I have been good about what I eat though, so at least I have one step covered! It's been different having John home and having to cook two meals for everyone, he's on the "it's ok if I eat whatever I want, because I'm pretty sure that it's no big deal" plan. I made the dire mistake of getting all of the snacky garbage out of the house before he came home, and replacing it all with healthy stuff. I didn't realize that having healthy food in the house translates into having no food at all, stupid me... So I guess I will adjust the way I'm doing things again, which has made it hard to stick to my diet, not gonna lie. Tomorrow morning I will go see the trainer, and when he reads the food diary he'll be happy for the most part, but I doubt I lost any weight like I should have! Ugh, with all the bitching, I guess I must need a personality adjustment...

Day 29: What a day...

Remember how I've mentioned that I was working out at home... ha ha ha ha ha ha! Are you kidding me? All this time I thought that working out at home had prepared me for starting at the gym. I think it's comparable to my guitar hero skills. I may rock on beginner, but there is no way I could go out and play an actual guitar at an actual concert!!! Holy moly. I was on an eliptical machine for a whoppin' 20 minutes, and when I got off I could barely walk. It felt like my hips didn't have bones in them anymore, and now this evening I am so sore I can't believe it! I guess that means I need to go everyday for a little while just so that I can get used to this. My body is rediculously weak, I should have been able to do that no problem, but I'm up to the challenge. I have lots of ibuprofen!!! I went for my first session with the trainer, and we spent a good part of the hour just preparing for what's coming up. He took body fat percentage, and checked my balance and my posture, went through a meal plan, then threw me up on that eliptical. He wanted me to stay on for 30 minutes, and I just couldn't do it, but everyday can be a milestone I suppose, now I just have to figure out how to tell him that I couldn't do it! (We spent a lot of time on the other stuff, so he didn't have time to work with me because he had another appointment!) So here are the details, I weighed in at 216 lbs(totally over indulged yesterday, don't judge me!! ha ha!!!) My body fat is at about 34%, which is basically what I expected, but I have to be honest, hearing it come out of someone else's mouth is kind of a shock! The diet plan is eating 5-6 times daily, and really it's not a whole lot different than what I have been doing, so at least I know that I was doing one thing right! When I was finished and cooled down a bit, I went with my graceful jelly legs walk to pick Logan up from the daycare, and when I walked in he was just sobbing, and had been for a while! Seriously! He has been in a daycare for about 2 hours all together so far and he was falling apart. I felt terrible, I felt bad that I left him, I felt bad that I hadn't been there to make him feel better, and I felt bad for the girl working, she doesn't need that! Just one more hurdle, I need to seperate myself from him a little, he can't be a momma's boy, there is no woman out there crazy enough to love a momma's boy that came from this crazy mama, and I really don't want any kids living at home in their 30's, so he's gonna need someone else to take care of him! I am, of course, smiling as I write that, but I have to convince myself to cut the cord sometime!
After the gym we went to home depot to buy a wash machine, just kind of a cheaper model, but I don't care, as long as I can get some of this great, awesome, super terrific laundry done. While we were shopping, Logan didn't calm down much, he was ok in the store, but he didn't really perk up like normal, then he started to get warm. Craaaaaaaap, this can't be happening, I want to get to the gym tomorrow. Sure enough, he's been kind of draggy all day, and in the middle of the afternoon, John took a nap, that was 7 hours ago, and the poor guy is still sleeping! He never does that! He feels like garbage, Ebin also feels like garbage, and that means that the next couple days are pretty wrapped up, so if I really want to get myself to the gym I need to do it while everyone is asleep. It doesn't matter if I get sick, usually that means that I just feel shitty while I take care of everyone else. (It's in the mom contract, look it up...) Now with all of that in mind I'm going to crash early and try to get my achy muscles some rest and prepare for what could be a long weekend with the kids!

Day 28: New beginning...

John came home lastnight! Hooray for meeeee! It never gets old, seeing his face for the first time after weeks away. I learned a few things at the Billings airport about holidays. #1) It doesn't matter if the holiday is only Presidents Day, someone will make an excuse to go to Disneyland and hop the home flight that lands at midnight. This, of course, leads to very cranky, teenage-angst ridden, no doubt vampire loving (they are just so deep, you know) little girls who whine about having to go to school in the morning then call their parents names... AFTER A VACATION TO DISNEYLAND. Are you serious? That little girl needs to get a little wake up call... Just sayin'... #2) When you stand next to someone who is also waiting, and they find someone to talk very loudly to, (so you can't help but eavesdrop) it is very easy to become a little confused when she is talking about picking up her brother, and when he comes down the stairs they chest bump, then promptly put their hands inside the other's back pocket. I can honestly say I don't remember that part of sibling-hood. #3) It doesn't matter who you are, belching as loud as you can while walking past a woman who is standing alone, is funny shit. Odds are the first thing she will think of is the males in her life and how that is the base form of all entertainment in her life at home, and chuckle. I guess that's kind of a gross generalization, but for as much as I want to hate the rude stuff, I don't, I think it's funny, burps, farts, public puking while driving (seen it twice!) all that crap that you are taught your whole life to be polite about. I can't help it, if I didn't think it was funny I probably would have killed someone by now, I mean Logan's only 18 mos old and already thinks it's funny! Oh, yeah, back to the airport. So all of these fun things happened right in front of me, and the icing on the cake was the announcement that one flight had some of it's luggage misplaced, and it arrived earlier in the evening, but they weren't really sure where, I'm assuming this isn't really something that one wants to hear at midnight after being on a plane. I watched all of this stuff go on around me, and began to get a little nervous that it was a sign that John would be delayed, and he was, but only for a few minutes. He arrived safe and sound and ready for the next 2 weeks, after some much needed sleep of course.
You might ask what we have planned for the next couple of weeks, well I have one definate answer, because we got up this morning and after I took the kids to school, we went and joined a gym. I know I've been feeling down, and sort of unmotivated, but this really perked me up. They have a daycare, you know what that means? I can exercise alone!!! Also we bought some sessions with a trainer, which I am super excited about. All along the one thing that I've really been missing is someone to help me figure out what's going to work best, and I'm really excited, I think it will help a ton. Just talking with them today I felt really motivated again, and having John around makes it easier to make myself do it! I'm looking at tomorrow, not as the beginning to a long road of hard work, but as a new start to a new healthy life. My kids are way too young to have a mom with arthritis, or other health problems that run in my family! I'm excited to find out what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, and how I can meet in the middle. I want to be productive, I want to be happy and I really think this is the next step! I also realized, through our little talk with the trainer today, that my hubby has very different ideas about diet and exercise. He has his mind set on what he wants to do physically, and what he wants to eat, and even though it goes against everything I have done so far, it's working for him! He is facing such different obsticals than I am. They have their food provided, and they cater more to the meat and potato types, not a whole lot of healthy options, and they have a gym, but again it's pretty limited, so I will be interested to see how this works out for us. In the infamous words of my little buddy Spongebob, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!"

Day 26 & 27: My motivator returns...

Ok, ok, so I know I missed yesterday, I decided to take the day off. I really truly just had nothing to report, well except that I spent a lot of the weekend playing guitar hero... which we already knew! I made dinner for a friend, and just hung out with the kids! Boring boring boring, but I'm finding out more and more that I don't mind bored, bored means things are going okay, and although I may think I don't have anything to do, there is always playing with the kids. I'm stuck at an impasse losing weight, and yesterday I ate a ton of crap that I shouldn't have.... Ok, alright fine, maybe I didn't write because I felt guilty, and when I woke up at 3 A.M. with terrible heartburn I knew why. Fried food is no longer my friend... not even a little bit! I should have just gone with my first instinct and baked some fish! Oh well, you live, you learn. (That's right Alanis, not everyone has forgotten about you... ha ha!)
So tonight John will be home! I'm so happy that I haven't been able to sit still all day. Of course that means that it was time for the motor to burn out on my wash machine. I know what you're thinking, How in the world could this girl possibly know what's wrong with her wash machine? Ok, I don't, you are right, but let me tell you why I have this theory. I could smell burning and all the wash machine was doing was clicking and humming, so that's what I guessed. The damn thing is probably somewhere near 1000 years old, and I'm honestly not sure how it has managed to stick it out this long! So that means that one of the fun activities that we get to plan is buying and installing a washer. Great, exciting, fun, whoooooo! We also get to sign up for the gym tomorrow. I've let myself get into a mini rut, and having John here is just what I need to be motivated, he's been working out almost everyday, and I can't have him beat me at reaching goals... I'm kidding, I'm really proud of the work he's done, and I really want to be able to keep up. The only way I can do that is to workout with him and really get myself into the routine. I also made kind of a wager with my buddy Tiffany for the month of March to see who can burn the most calories and bank hours working out. I'm excited, I really need the motivation, and I think I can do it, but we decided to because we both need kind of a kick in the pants. It's so cool to realize that you can find motivation almost anywhere. My kids, my husband, good friends, it's all really great, and I can't imagine not having them around. So many people have encouraged me, and offered a shoulder, and I am forever greatful. So here's a thought, if you would like, get in on the bet, March isn't that far off, and spring is coming, let's all get moving together. If you decide you want to join in, cool. Allow me to explain the challenge: Start with changing how you eat. You know what is healthy for you, try adding in veggies and fruit to each meal, whole grains, and eat your veggies first. Then get moving. I'm going to keep track of hours and calories, because that's what Tiffany and I had decided. You should let me know if you are interested, we have some fun ideas, and I think that joining in would make it even more fun! Now I need to get up and get moving!

Day 25: Enchilada night!

When the kids came home this morning, they busted me playing my first song of the day on guitar hero. Wyatt actually asked me if I stayed up all night to play it! (as if I have that sort of resolve anymore!) I had to laugh, as of Christmas time, when Wyatt got the X-box 360, I am officially a guitar hero addict. I haven't played in about a month, but I decided today was my day to get back into it, and I got busted! So periodically throughout the day I have stopped everything to play. Oh, did I mention that I'm terrible at video games, and I am the jerk wad that plays guitar hero on beginner. You know, the one where you don't use the neck buttons, you just click the thingy (technical term). This works out fine for me because I have pretty good rhythm, but zero coordination, so trying to use both hands for anything other than getting dressed is sort of a joke! I rock at beginner. I have only played 2 songs in my career that were below 90% and most songs are between 97% and 99%, so I justify my not trying anything harder by saying I can't until I get a 100%! I'm a nerd, I know, but it's fun, and I really enjoy the mindlessness that comes along with it. Well at least until I have to cook dinner, then all bets are off.
One of my very favorite things in the world to eat are enchiladas, but they aren't exactly healthy, so I sat and thought about it for a long time, how I was going to enjoy my enchilada flavors, while not shoving my face full of fat. I thought, and thought and... duh! Cut out the majority of the cheese, and the tortillas, add some beans and rice to the mix, something good has to happen, right? Holy crap, I had no idea! I was actually more impressed with these enchiladas than I have been with anything I have cooked so far on the diet, and honestly I think I liked them better. Ok, so they are kind of a mexican stuffed pepper, but it worked, so, for your enjoyment, and by request I might add, here is the recipe:
1 lb ground turkey (97/3)
1 sm can diced green chiles
1 sm onion, diced
1 clove garlic, diced
1 can beans (I like navy, but whatever works for you!)
2 tsp. Chipotle chile powder
1 pkg enchilada seasoning
1 sm can tomato paste
1 1/4 c. hot water
1 c. cooked rice
4 pablano chiles, top cut off and cleaned out, but not split
1 c. lowfat shredded cheese
4 med tortillas
Mix enchilada pkg, water and tomato paste, let sit.
Brown turkey w/ salt and pepper, onions, garlic and chipotle, (I used a really good nonstick pan, and no oil) when browned add can of chiles, beans, rice and 1/4 of enchilada sauce. Let simmer on med low about 10 min, stirring occasionally. Pour just a couple of tbs. enchilada sauce on the bottom of a 9x13 pan, just to coat. Fill each pablano with turkey mixture. With left over mix, fill tortillas and roll, place them in the pan, cover with remaining enchilada sauce and cheese. Cook,covered at 375 for 45 min. Top with diced avacado!
I filled the chiles for myself in attempt to cut back on the carbs, but even the kids liked them!
Yes, I know that I used packaged enchilada seasoning, but I'm not mexican, and I sort of believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Also if you can't find chipotle seasoning, use chile powder, and just a touch of cumin, that will give you the smokey flavor that really kind of made the whole dish!
So now I must go on with the rest of my night, I have some bike to ride, and kids to wrangle! Enjoy your evening!

Day 24: Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

I look forward to Fridays, I do, sometimes I do dread weekends, we all know that, but Friday's aren't so bad. Ebin's gramma offers to take the boys most Friday nights, and every now and then, both of the big boys stay... aaaaaaahhhhh, and very often she will cook dinner, also a treat! Tonight is one of those nights, both big boys are over there, and it is so nice and quiet. Laundry is really all I have to do tomorrow, it feels so good! I can't tell you how nice it is to have someone else cook dinner, it's just wonderful. Well it is most nights. The food was really good, but I really hate it when someone else tells my kids how to act. Now if it was Ebin's grandparents, that's just fine, it's their house, and dinner can be difficult some nights, but when a friend of the family who knows everything about everything is telling my kids how to act I want to come unglued! I absolutely hate confrontation, I'm so bad at it. I shake, I get sweaty, I can't look people in the eye... gosh, I'm kind of a puss I guess, but tension of any kind makes me nuts. I wanted to look at that goofy bitch in her eye and tell her that I will tell my children how much to eat, and she can piss off. Then I think about the amount of respect I have for Ebin's grandparents that I don't say a word. This woman has been a great friend to them and I know it, so I made myself just let it go. But why the hell should I have to take this shit, I know I'm younger, but my kids are, for the most part, very well behaved, and don't deserve to be talked down to by someone who may be book smart but has no clue about how to conduct herself in public. No common sense, and I'm a reasonably intellegent person, and I absolutely hate when someone tries to make me feel like I'm not. This same person, who I already wanted to bitch slap, looked at me like I was out of my mind when I was talking about this blog, and mentioned that I have been asked a few times if I had considered writing a book. (a very nice compliment, by the way!) She looked at me like there was no way this girl could possibly put together a decent sentence, let alone a book! I understand that the college thing hasn't exactly worked out, but that doesn't mean it won't. I'm a smart person, and I deserve as much a chance as anyone else! (not to mention the fact that I'm hilarious! ha ha ha... aaaaaah.... nobody?) Then as if to just throw a little whipped cream on the shit sundae, one of the kids said the "f" word. What??? He couldn't wait until she wasn't there???? The good news is he did it out of any adult earshot, he just admitted it to me, so I just took away the toy he was playing with, and left it alone. The moral of the story here is that I did something that I haven't been able to do in a long time, and that's take a situation that stressed me out, throw kid stuff into the mix, and I didn't explode on the kid. I gave him the chance to explain, and I did what I knew would be effective for him, and I didn't take my stress out on him. I have to be honest, not blowing up makes all the difference, because now I'm home, in the quiet, just enjoying it instead of tossing all of the details about dinner around in my head, and finding even more to be pissed about. So I guess my feeling bad for myself wasn't 100 percent warranted, I may not be all happy all the time, but I'm learning self control on so many levels, I should really be greatful for that, right?

Day 23: Strawberry spots on your underwear...

So, I know I keep saying that I'm greatful for my kids, I'm greatful for my little family, and I really am, but sometimes my lack of adult contact makes it sort of a struggle to deal with the little things. I can tell that I'm not feeling as well as I did the first couple of weeks, and I know that's not helping either. Really I feel like my sense of humor is shot. I'm trying really hard to move past feeling down, but I do. My check up is in one week, and I'm sure the doctor will be pleased with the weight I've lost, I'm sort of stuck in one place right now with that, but it's ok, it's still a vast improvement over what it was 3 weeks ago. My personality is what I'm afraid won't be addressed. Honestly I'm afraid that she will think that I'm just fine, and maybe I just need to try harder. I felt good for a while, but I feel myself getting pissed at the boys for little things, and wanting to slack off on my diet, having to drag myself out of bed. I feel dumpy, I'm sort of back to not wanting to do much, not leave the house if I don't have to, not talk on the phone, and just keep to myself. I hate this feeling. My husband is going to be home in a few days, and he deserves so much better than the way I'm feeling right now. I just got off the phone with him, and he must think I'm totally disinterested in everything that he's doing, but I just feel bad talking about feeling down, so rather than let him know, I just talk for a few minutes and keep it as positive as I can. He doesn't deserve that, he's working hard, and he's managed to lose a bunch of weight too, and kept a really positive attitude through it all, he doesn't need to listen to my sad crap! I only need to hold out for 7 more days, I felt worried that last time too, and she was amazing, and very understanding. I think the reason that I have doubts is that I see how much other people that I know with chronic depression go through, and I just want it to be over. I want to feel good and motivated and happy! As I'm writing this I'm debating even posting it. Yes I'm having a pity party to which everyone is invited... but I just know that no one want's to come. Maybe what I need is a good slap in the face!!! It sucks and I know it's stupid, feeling so down, I have done a ton of work, and normally it takes some time for these sorts of situations to be remedied, I just have very little patience!
This all leads me back to my kids. They have asked me a couple times in the last couple of days or so if I stopped taking my medicine, because I was starting to go back to cranky mom. That is really hard to hear. We have all been getting along really well lately, and I'm trying really hard, but they are right. I'm letting the little "normal kid" stuff make me crazy, because I'm just hanging out at home, and I don't have anything else to focus on. Or maybe they are interfering with my isolation, I don't know, but I really want them to be happy, I want John to be happy, and if I don't find a way to snap myself out of it, the whole first week of him being home won't be very fun for anyone! Talking with him tonight we talked about joining the gym, and spending time together, and with some family and friends. Those are all really great things to look forward to! I suppose I will take a deep breath, and think before I freak! Take this very moment for instance. My oldest was just eating some strawberries while wearing his white underwear that he is wearing to bed... they are now polka-dotted with lovely strawberry finger prints, all over his butt, and, being a boy, you can tell just how many times he has adjusted himself in the last 10 minutes. The moral is I need to find the humor, not the wrong doing, and just breathe, in just 7 little days I can get things figured out. Until then... all I can really do is try!

Day 22: So ready for Monday...

I know! Don't hit me! It's not what you think!!! These boys are home for the next 5 days, yep, a 5 day weekend. This can be a really good thing, or a really bad thing, depending on how you look at it. Right now, I think it's good, they have been cooperative and they are getting along well, so hopefully we can keep this trend up. For the most part they really are good kids, but, just like any brothers, they fight about everything! Everything from when they woke up in the morning to what shirt I will approve of to what color the damned sky is outside. They aren't so bad about tattling to me anymore, but they make a point to scold the other person loud enough for me to hear! Wyatt is the middle child, but the bigger (and in some ways more mature) brother, so he feels like it's his duty to be the boss. Ebin is the oldest, and feels like that title belongs to him. They are close enough in age that a lot of their personality traits are the same, but far enough apart that they are having different psycological growing pains. Even though Wyatt isn't the oldest in the house, he has always been the oldest cousin (his cousins in Missoula were the closest thing he had to siblings) and he has always been a very successful first born! Ebin's situation is similar in that he started as an only child, but when other kids were involved he was never the oldest. Now take both of these fantasic single children and throw them in the mix with a new step-parent, a new step-brother, and a new baby brother (who is the focus of most of the attention from everyone) and you have what could turn into a very sticky situation! I have to tell you I'm really proud of the way that they have managed to adjust to all of the newness. I know it's been a year and a half, but it hasn't been easy for either one, and they have both had to struggle with seperate issues. There could easily be a miriad of things for me to complain about, or worry about, and the only REAL issue I have is that they fight with eachother, just like any other siblings. And they don't even really get physical, they just bitch at eachother. Wow, here only a few minutes ago I was trying to stop myself from being worried about the weekend, and I have managed to talk myself out of it. They are great, well adjusted, very normal kids, and you know what? I couldn't be prouder. John comes home Monday, and I am going to make it the best 2 weeks ever, and I can only do it with the help of these boys! Weekends aren't so bad after all...

Day 21: At a loss for words...

I can honestly say that it's not often that I don't have something to talk about, and apparantly today is that "not often"! What you may not know is that I am aspiring to write reviews about movies... mostly horror movies, and that has been on the forefront of my mind today, and in that mode I have completely forgotten to find something interesting and funny to talk about. I know I've mentioned that I love Horror, I love Metal, and this blog has been a labor of love because I've had to make myself try to stick to my diet and focus on my goals in order to keep this thing worth reading. (well and that whole get healthy thing, but who gives a rat's ass about that!) Keeping that in mind, I have asked my friends if they have any questions that I haven't addressed. Geez, I hate asking for help, I've already asked for a lot, so that seems kind of selfish, asking, but you know what? I don't have any space to be shy now! I am currently weighing in at 211.6 lbs. Not a bad place to be in 3 weeks, but the one thing that I haven't really said much about is what I'm actually eating, so when my good friend asked what I was eating, I smacked myself in the forehead... DUH!!! I am such a creature of habit that changing my whole eating lifestyle has been a real challenge, in spite of the fact that I am a pretty decent cook. I have had to change the way I eat, the way I shop, and the way I look at food in general. For the most part I have been good, a couple fast food slip ups here and there, but so much better than what I had been doing, I can honestly say that I'm proud. I get Schwan's delivered, and that has been a challenge, are you kidding??? Bagel dogs are the most wonderful convenience food ever put on the market, and they are in my freezer... and I have not touched them! Pat on the back Jamie!
I have had to re-work my whole eating style. Breakfast for me used to mean finding whatever was leftover from the night before or whatever I could fry in butter, eggs, ham, cheese, toast with butter, gravy in any form, the occasional french toast, or, of course fast food! I have turned my breakfast into a slice of whole grain toast, often dry or with a little low fat butter with canola oil, a container of greek yogurt, and a piece of fresh fruit. These are all things that I wouldn't have ever even considered before I started this. I found out that I love love love the breakfast! Greek yogurt is a gift to the whole universe! What I have read is that you should only have yogurt that is plain, because of the sugar, but really the 0% greek yogurt with fruit is not so bad, so guess what? PPPPBBBBBTTTT! Lunch is generally as much salad as I can fit on a plate, and I load it up with every kind of veggie I can mustre from the fridge, and I top it with bottled Italian dressing. I'm careful to follow the serving size recommended, because I'm trying really hard to keep the fat down to a minimum, but most light dressings have a ton of sugar, and I have absolutely NOT been able to bring myself to eat it all without any dressing! I have only just started making veggies the main part of my diet, so you have to give me a break! I did try to go the frozen meal route, but I have to tell you, I didn't care for the taste of the 4 I tried, and I felt so hungry when I was done, so its a big no go on the frozen stuff! Dinners have been a toss up. I haven't cooked any red meat in almost 3 weeks, which is just nuts to me! I have replaced all of my ground beef with turkey, and everything is either chicken or turkey or fish. I made my spagetti sauce, which really isn't high in fat, with turkey... no difference! Fish, I'm not as fluent in fish, but I know that I like almost all of it, so I just try to keep it as kid friendly as possible. Schwan's sells a white fish called Blue Hake, it's basically cod from New Zealand, and I have found that Albertson's has small, single serve packs of bay scallops, so I just put the fish in tin foil with the scallops, asparagus and green beans, sprinkle with whatever seasoning you like. I'm partial to lemon pepper, so I just made my own with some Meyer Lemons that I found, and cook it from frozen for about 25 minutes at 350 degrees. Be careful if you try to replicate this, the Hake is a thick filet, and it can dry out easily, you really need to check it after 15 min. and make sure that it isn't drying out, and white fish is far more tempermental than it's red, and much fattier counterpart! I have some other ideas that I have been testing, but I have to admit, I'm not completely happy with any of it just yet, as soon as I am I will let you know. If you are interested, I have gotten some really great ideas from my friend Tiffany, and I love her blog, she has always been healthy and she focuses on fresh food as much as she can! Her blog is: denverdiningdiva.blogspot.com I highly recommend checking her out! I promise tomorrow I will be more fun! Have a great night!

Day 20: Balentimes day...

I suppose before I say anything I had better tell you all Happy Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is a day that, for most of my time on earth, I would be just as happy sleeping through. A day where parents compete to send the best treats to school, and shoe boxes are carried around as if they are a badge of honor. A day that the little girls look forward to, and the little boys say they dread, but secretly they can't wait to see how much crap they get. A day that for the majority of my life I was just fine with ignoring, mostly because I was always ignored. I always felt like it shouldn't matter at all, because it was just a ploy to get folks to spend money on dumb love themed shit, that I would never recieve. I did feel that way, that is until I met this wonderful man 3 years ago, and he showed me that it's not so much about the cards, or the stuffed animals, it's about showing that special person that they really are special, whether it be a signifigant other, or kids, or even parents. John has this knack for making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the universe, and he does it everyday, not just Valentine's Day. I swear, whenever an occasion comes up he is the most thoughtful person ever, not like me, if I don't have the gift spelled out for me, I will totally disappoint. I'm really bad at this game, and bless his heart, he puts up with me! I can honestly say that I'm ok with him not being here for Valentine's, because I know in one week he will be home and I get to be with him... Oh man I miss him when he's gone, I really do think that he's my other half, and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I don't need Valentine's Day for that! My kids gave me some tulips, and that made me feel really good! It's amazing how much better days like this are, now that my whole outlook has changed, and I really believe that they can only continue to get better!
I'm sitting here watching the kids play quietly, and I actually have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry to them that it took me so long to realize just how good my life really is, they definately suffered while I did. Depression is so much worse than I could have ever imagined, I was so miserable that it was amazing that I could even function. Now I feel like a brand new person, like I can face anything that comes my way. I have a lot of work to do, I'm sure of that, but at the moment, I could not be happier! If I hadn't found John, I would be a total train wreck, and I wouldn't have all 3 of these amazing boys! I can't believe that I was sad when I had all of these wonderful things to look forward to! The whole point today, I suppose, is whether it's a holiday or not, I promise to always try to find the good in each day, and work to be a happier person, so that I can be worthy of this wonderful family that I am so blessed to have!

Day 19: Totally Lazy...

I am totally drained, again. I don't know why this happens every few days, but I'll tell you what, if I didn't have to I wouldn't move off the couch. That's how I feel, inexplicably lazy, but I did not get to indulge that little beast today, because we had things to do, namely going to Ebin's church for a birthday party and pig roast. I really really really don't like to hang out at church. I feel really uncomfortable, but I go to these type of events because I love Ebin, and I know he wants us to be a part of it. I really feel like I'm being judged, by a small congregation of very old people. I have nothing in common with them. Don't get me wrong, the invitation is very nice, and I appreciate it, but I feel like I'm being invited, not for the social event, but rather to be preached to about what they believe. I have my own beliefs, I don't feel like it's my responsiblity to shove that down anyone's throat, people who really know me know what that means. I don't feel like it's anyone's business what I think, and I don't feel like they need to try to make me believe what they do. They don't treat me badly for the most part but comments like "Oh, you and John finally got married, that's good, You'll be ok now..." really push my buttons, As if my not being married before last summer meant anything different. I know I'm bitching, but I want you to know that I have never made my kids feel like they MUST believe anything. I was given the opportunity to test the waters and decide what was the best fit for me, and I did that, and I will allow my kids to do that, but I'm not going to be forced to hang out at church anymore. It's a nightmare, Logan is too busy, the kids do their own thing, and I don't even get the chance to see whatever it was that I was invited to see. My point is that I have to stop letting myself be told how I will be spending my time, and not only that, but there is zero respect for the fact that I'm trying very hard to lose weight! It's time for me to learn to stand up for myself and just tell people no, I'm not interested! I have this deep seeded need to please people, and I feel like I'm obligated to do what I'm told, but somethings got to give. I need to find a balance because I'm driving myself crazy!!! I don't know why its such a big deal to me, but I'm expected to be the mom while still being given a schedule of what I'm expected to do... I am getting better at it, I have been able to say no more, I just wish I didn't care so much about what people think. I think that's what it all boils down to. I have to break out of this and soon!
On the up side of this whole thing, there were about 10 old ladies dancing to Elvis, and I gotta tell you, that's funny shit. I didn't get to see as much as I would have liked, but what I did see was hilarious! I used to be in a singing group as a kid, and we had to dance, and all I could think was "Young Impressions 50 year reunion". I'd like to give a shout out to my YI homies... I think I have contact with 2 of them... lol! I have to laugh now, because at the time it seemed like the most important thing ever! Now it's all just funny to me, in that good memories sort of way. I'm a pretty decent singer, not the best best, but I can hold my own, and during that time, I did have people ask me fairly often if I was going to pursue it as a career. Of course I was, it was the most important thing in the world. Fast forward to present day, and I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had done something with my talent, rather than wasting it on Karaoke in bars. Honestly it doesn't matter, because overall I'm pretty lucky, and I keep finding new things to be good at, hopefully one of those is being a good mom, that's all I really want. But I have also found this blog... I have had so many really great comments on it, and it has really helped me to find something special in myself that I didn't think I had anymore, and that's passion. I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but the difference in my personality is absolutely incredible. I really want to thank everyone for all of the encouragement, and help these last couple weeks. It feels so good! So, who knows, maybe this writing thing has some potential!

Day 18: Damn you Jamie...

I have the most amazing husband. He works his ass off to make sure that we are all taken care of and happy. He's smart, funny, and really just an all around fantastic person, and I couldn't be luckier to have found him. He does so much for us that it's unreal, and when he asks me to do something I try to make sure that it gets done, because I want him to be as happy as me, he really deserves it. We had a conversation this week when he found out that Elton John was coming to town, he asked me to get tickets for us to go. I thought he was joking! Keep in mind I am really set in my ways when it comes to music, and that is NOT what I gravitate towards, even a little bit! Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't have respect for the guy, but his music really isn't my cup of tea. John really wanted to go, and he wanted to take me, so I agreed that I would get on the internet right at 10 am so that we could get seats, because the truth of the matter is, being with John is one of my very favorite things, and I really don't care where it is. So off to the metra website I went, at exactly 10, and I was put into a virtual waiting room, it refreshed every 30 seconds, and I waited, and I waited and I waited... I waited for an hour and a half, then I had no choice but to leave because boyscouts had their pinewood derby races today, and I couldn't miss Ebin's race, he worked very hard on that car! So I decided to call, couldn't get through, and I tried the website on my phone. I got in, HOORAY!!!! So I started at the top of the price list, trying to get 2 tickets, sold out, but I wasn't surprised. I tried the next one, sold out... I tried the next 3 and I couldn't get two seats together. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? I just spent 2 hours all together trying to get seats to do the one thing that John has ever really wanted to do with me, and I can't even sit with him??? For 80 bucks a seat no less!!!! So you know what I did??? I said Eff Elton John right in the A!!!!! I'd rather sit on the couch and listen to "Goodbye Yellowbrick Road" and snuggle with him, but at the same time I feel terrible. I just don't see the sense in spending that kind of money for the tickets to go on a date with the most wonderful man in the world, and not even be able to enjoy it with him. I couldn't see his face when he heard "Tiny Dancer" and that is what I was looking forward to. I'm so disappointed in myself, I feel like I didn't try hard enough! Why the hell didn't I use my phone to do it in the first place. I have bought tickets on the internet lots of times and never had a problem, but never for someone as legendary as Elton John, I have to admit, I was pissed. I decorated my house with some very colorful language while cursing everything from the internet to the metra to ol' EJ himself. And yes I was swearing in front of my mom, a lot, but I have a bad potty mouth, so even though she doesn't like it, she's used to it, if a person can get used to that sort of thing! I don't even know what to say to John when I tell him, I feel so stinkin' bad. I suppose I can try to get them off of ebay or something, but I don't feel like it's worth paying superbowl prices for tickets to see a concert! (Unless it's Slipknot, that would be so worth it!!!!) So now I feel like I need to redeem myself somehow, I'm still working on that, but I will find a way to make this right!!! I love him too much not to!
So on to Ebin's race. Talk about fun, it's so great to see all of the work that those kids (and their parents, or in our case grandparents!) put into those cars, and they get so excited, it really is great! I'm so proud of Ebin, he took 3rd in one race and 1st in one race. He wasn't in the top 3, but he really did great, and, to his credit, he took it really well! He has a hard time not being first, or the winner, and this time he was just happy that he placed well in one race! What a great kid he is, I'm so lucky! Sometimes I have to remind myself of that, but in the grand scheme of things, I know. These boys are so vastly different, but they all bring some really great things to the table, and even if they drive me nuts, they really are incredible.
That leads me to lastnight, my mom and I decided to go to dinner, and then see a movie, which started at 7. At the restaurant we were seated next to a family that had 4 small kids, and they were so cute, and well behaved, what a really nice family. It made me think about how great my kids are when we go places, I am told all the time that they are polite, it makes me feel great, and it's true, they are really cool kids. It made me miss them, so instead of going to a movie we decided to pick the kids up and have a movie night at home, make some snacks and let the boys sleep in the livingroom with Gramma, it was a blast! For as much as I wanted that time away, there is really nothing better than seeing my family happy. So, for today, I'm going to strive to have a more positive attitude about how I spend my time, and I'm sure I will need a break every now and then, but I'm the only person here who can make everything good. I mean look at that face.... who can possibly not want to be around that!

Day 17: Kid free zone...

It's Friday, hooray for Friday! Friday means 2 full days of kids and non-stop chatter, 2 full days of arguing, fighting, and yelling, and me going out of my mind. I know this is a bad way to look at it, but please understand, I am alone with kids all the time, no breaks, and sometimes I need a change of venue... I will admit, it has been soooo nice having my mom here, I was able to put my make up on this morning, and not have to stop Logan from digging in the garbage! But I need a real break, so the kids are going elsewhere, and I'm going to the movie with my mom, and dammit, I'm eating popcorn with butter!!! I can't wait, I don't even care what the movie is, I just want to watch something the whole way through with out hearing "MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM... etc... etc..." The only way it would be better is if John was here, but that's only 9 days away, and hopefully that means another night with no kids! I think that, in some ways people tend to romanticize what being at home with kids is really like, they see wonderful, well behaved children, and mom happy to cook and clean and play, having no real cares in the world. Now zoom in on real life. I love my kids and they are really good kids, but like all kids the argue, they are sneaky, they don't listen, pretty much all of those things that we promise ourselves our kids will never do, but then reality comes and laughs in your face. Mom's can't wait to say "I told you so" and for good reason. I'm relieved that I have boys, because they have some drama, if they were girls I don't know what I would do. This one is friends with this kid but hates the one he was friends with yesterday, the other one hides notes from his teacher about homework not being turned in. They all think I love someone more, they all want something else for dinner, they all want toys and prizes and special things, and I want a nap. I am generally chasing someone from 7 am until 9:30 at night, if I'm lucky. Being in Billings isn't anything like Missoula either, I don't have the support system I did there, so I stay home. I would love to work, I would love to feel productive, and maybe make some friends, but that's just not in the cards, it would cost more for daycare than I could make, and it would have to be a strictly dayshift job. It just doesn't work. So naturally when an opportunity to do something as silly as see a movie with my mom comes up, I'm elated!!! I may get as many as 4 hours of adult time!!! And I get to watch a movie with out interuptions... (if you are sitting near me in the movie and talking loud or using your phone... yes, I will be the person who knocks you out, this is my night! respect!!!) Then this evening, after a few hours of peace, I will return to these wonderful boys and feel refreshed and ready for this weekend...

Day 16: Finding inspiration in odd places....

Ok, I know that I've mentioned I'm a tv addict, more specifically a reality tv addict. (Curse you VH1) The one thing that I really love is any show about cooking, which, as you might guess, doesn't mesh well when I'm trying to lose weight. I think maybe I like the torture, who knows, and who would have thought that watching Top Chef would help me find some inspiration related to all of my new goals? I stayed up late to watch it, and was very disappointed when one of my favorite chefs was eliminated. Fabio, the adorable italian chef with a sparkling personality is no longer on the show, and I'm sad. Sure, I feel like there are more capable chefs on the show, but he's such a positive, fun personality to watch, the show just won't be the same without him. He's that guy that, if you worked with him, you would hope to work with everyday. What's interesting is that he was eliminated, and still very positive, very happy with his life, ready to go back and make the most of his second Top Chef experience. At the very end of the show, in his exit interview he said something in that thick, beautiful italian accent that really resonated with me. He said "You are the only shadow in your own sunlight." Wow, that one line hit me like a ton of bricks. What a simple yet beautiful sentiment, and how deeply it applies to absolutely everything that I'm trying to do right now. I want so badly to reach these seemingly lofty goals, and the only person that will stop me from doing anything is me, that little voice that says "it's never going to happen, just give up..." when really it should be saying "wake up fool!!! You have shit to do, now get up and do it, and stop complaining, you don't even know how good you have it!!!!" That one line really made me look deep inside myself, and reach for the little positive voice in there, so that I can feed it and grow it with all the good things and positive thoughts I can dig up, and push that little negative voice back into the dark recesses where it belongs. I have every opportunity I could ever want open to me right now, and I'm certainly not going to gain anything my sitting on my ass, feeling sorry for myself!
That brings me to my next thought, here it is, day 16 and I'm only down 10 lbs... wanna know why??? I don't move enough!!! All that initial loss was the easy "cut back on everything weight" now I have to worry about the actual fat. In the past I haven't had too much trouble losing weight without trying, because I've had jobs that required me to move pretty much the whole time I was there. I don't have that now, and it has become very easy to sit and play, sit and watch tv, sit and sit and sit... it's probably a wonder that my legs even work. The pedometer definately helps, but even with that in mind, it's lost it's lustre, and now it's just another part of my clothing, that gets in the way when I try to get into my pocket. I'm up to over 5000 steps a day, but that's only halfway there. I, for some reason, just haven't felt all that motivated, take right now for instance. My mom is on her way, and instead of doing all the things I should be, I'm sitting here writing, because it's a good distraction. I know this, I'm aware of this, and yet I'm still doing it!!! So, keeping Fabio's statement in mind, I'm going to sign off, and get moving. I need to get ready to see my mommy!!!

Day 15: Attitude adjustment...

I have spent the last 2 days feeling out of sorts, and I haven't been able to figure out why. I think I lost perspective of new goals that I set up, but there is something else. Sometimes I think that everyone gets the feeling that something isn't right, when I do I get stressed and panicky, and I shut down. That's what I think happened. Before I talk about what it was, I need to tell you about my mom. My mom is incredible. She had me when she was 19, and got married to my biological father shortly before I was born. They were young, and he wasn't focused on much but drinking and hunting and fishing. He was angry and abusive toward my mom, he never hurt me, but I imagine had he lived longer he probably would have. My mom got pregnant with my sister when I was 2, and my brother when I was 4. That was the year that Jim died, my mom was only weeks pregnant with my brother, and Jim got wasted, and decided to clean his gun with the safety off. I will never forget that night, because honestly that's when my life began. My mom was pregnant, in desperate need of surgery on both shoulders that had been dislocated at different points in time, and raising 2 young girls. She took it on like a pro, then a while later she married Paul, who is my dad, even if not by blood, and away we went. They worked hard, and tried to have a parent home as much as possible. We didn't have everything we wanted, but we were definately taken care of. They raised as as well as they could, in spite of all kinds of obsticles, and they loved us all as much, if not more than any parent has ever loved their kids, and I couldn't be more greatful. So when things go wrong for them I feel it deep in my soul. The last few years haven't been easy for them, Anaconda has a shrinking economy, and money has been tight to say the least. Keeping all of this in mind, when my mom called lastnight to tell me she had lost her job, my heart broke for her. She has spent so many years trying to be better for everyone, taking care of everyone, and trying so hard to make everyone happy and do the right thing, and in return she gets shit. I feel like I need to make it better, she doesn't deserve that kind of pain. She has spent so long helping everyone she could, that it's time for someone to help her, and I hope that I can. After a night of tossing and turning I decided that my feeling down isn't going to help anyone, and unless I turn things around for me, I certainly won't be able to help turn things around for her. She needs me now, and it's my job to make sure that I'm in a good position to help her, I love her too much not to.
Today I'm starting over with a new attitude. I realized something in all of this, I have been trying so hard to accomplish new goals because I know that everyone expects it of me, and the weight of that became crushing pretty quickly. Today I start to do this for me, not my mom, not the kids, not my husband, but for me. That way when I have reached the things that seemed so far out of reach, I will be a better person, who is capable of providing whatever anyone else needs. I want to be able to show everyone that I can be as wonderful as my mom, and make this world just a little better for my little circle of friends and family. I'm going to try to get my mom here, and maybe use my newfound motivation to help her re-kindle her love for herself, and help her find that wonderful person that she is convinced isn't there anymore. Maybe we can find a way to turn all of the hurt around and use those negatives to fuel the new positives. She's always been my hero, this time, it's my turn...

Day 14: Harder than I thought...

I feel like I'm walking in Jello. The doc told me that once the happy pills kicked in there was a chance that I might start to feel down again, and I do. I can't explain it, I just feel like I've totally lost the spark of ambition that I had only a few days ago. You would think that after such a wonderful weekend I would be jazzed up to continue to do well, I mean I lost 10 lbs in the first 11 days! Hooray.... pbbbbbttttt. <<< That's me deflating. I'm sure the weather isn't helping, but it was a struggle to even get out of bed this morning, I'm finding humor in nothing, it's lame, I hate feeling like this. Honestly if I didn't know I had to, I would do nothing at all. On Sunday I made the kids a bunch of appetizers, and I ate some stuff I shouldn't have, but I don't feel bad, I've stuck to the healthy stuff pretty religiously. Oh man, I hope I perk up, I have no energy!!! I made myself exercise, but it was pretty half-assed. I did it in hopes that my personality would perk up, it didn't and now I'm stuck. I don't even really know what to write about, it seems kind of senseless. I really had to talk myself out of throwing in the towel. So I'm going to call my doctor, and see if it really could be a side effect, or if I need stronger meds. This has to change, and quick, because I have had so much success so far, both physically and emotionally, I can't give up now. Even John noticed while we were on the phone lastnight, and I have to tell you, I was trying very hard to sound happy! The difference now, I suppose is that I have been so positive that any step backwards seems pretty big.
I have been wanting to eat again, I haven't had any chocolate in 2 weeks and that is all I want. Ohhhh snickers, my dear friend, come to me... we can make beautiful music in my tummy... and bring your friend oreo, we can have a delicious get-fat orgy. What about some nummy chicken fried steak for dinner, and mashed potatoes and gravy, and not a single vegetable in sight. Oh how wonderful it would be, so much garbage in my belly that I want nothing more than to sleep. But alas, this shall not be, at least not until I'm sure I can get my eating under control. A girl can dream, can't she? The slow transformation into better food for the kids doesn't seem to be catching on very well either, which might be one reason why I feel down. Ebin does pretty well, he loves junk food, but for the most part he eats pretty well, that is WHEN he eats. I know it's a side effect of his medication, but I wish I could get some food into the poor kid. He's having a hard time with being such a small kid for his age, and I know he isn't malnourished, but he doesn't grow much either. I'm hoping that if he eats better with me he will grow a little! He doesn't seem to like anything that I cook, and he'll tell me he's not hungry, but if I mention going out for dinner, he's immediately starving. I make some pretty good food, and when I ask him why he doesn't like it he says he's just not used to it. I'm hoping that it's an age thing, because he's stuck with me cooking for a very long time! Wyatt, on the other hand, claims to love my cooking, but he doesn't eat much unless it's fried, or tacos, or spaghetti. I guess when I put it into perspective, all these changes have been hard on all of us, not just me. I tend to take the selfish route sometimes, and forget that every single thing I do effects these little guys. Even if they don't like it right now, it will be better for all of us in the long run. I have to focus on them, my being miserable isn't going to do any of us any good. So, for today anyway, I'm going to make myself continue working, this too shall pass. And it's only 2 weeks until John comes home, I fully intend to lose another 15 lbs by the time he gets home. There it is, set a goal, I can do it, I've already proven that.

Days 12 & 13: Green Bay rules, Mother nature drools...

I skipped yesterday, just writing, but I skipped it because all I wanted to talk about was the Superbowl, and I was afraid that if I did I would gooch my team. By the time it was all over with, I was to busy dancing around the livingroom and fielding phonecalls to do anything about it! The Game was incredible, no way we could have asked for better, and for the first time in years, I can remember the whole game! Holy moly there's a miracle every day! Wyatt wasn't too impressed in the beginning, he was still coping with the fact that the Vikings didn't make it, and had a pretty bad attitude. He kept yelling at me for yelling at the tv, but after a few good minutes in his room his personality perked right up. He's a great kid, he just really has a hard time with not getting his way. It's pretty obvious this is an issue that I need to tackle with him, but I don't really know how. He's really got a strong will, and I don't really know how to make him bend. It kills me, I feel like I'm not doing right by him, and I wish there was some way to change his attitude, but he's on the fast track to acting like a teenager, which scares me even more. I had the same personality when I was his age, and I eventually grew out of it, but not before it got much worse. He is also angry inside because he doesn't get to see his dad as much as he would like. I feel guilty, like I don't do enough to make sure he does, like I completely ruined his life by moving him to Billings, even though I did it for the sake of Ebin. I don't have a lot of control over the situation, and I wish there was a way I could make it better for him, but I guess all I can do for now is make the best of it and try to help him. Anyhow, we watched the game, and we did a lot of cheering, and dancing, and yelling, it was a ball. Hooray Green Bay, it was a well deserved win! Now we're finished with football for the season, and I have months to wait for football. (assuming there is football next season) That means spring can't be too far off, right???
We've had such a roller coaster winter, it was nearly 60 degrees here one day last week, and below zero the next, and now it's dumping snow. I don't like it, if I could tell Mother Nature to shove it up her ass I would. There is so much snow right now, and it's freezing cold, and I have no motivation, it's really depressing! I'm nervous everytime I have to go somewhere, people in Billings drive like they are blind and there asses are on fire. No one knows how to use a damned turn signal, and 4 way stops and school zones are just there for looks, really you can do whatever you want. Anytime I see police they are just driving around talking on their phones, it's really great. I want to put a big sign on my car that says "You're driving like a jerk and I want to punch a hole in your neck." That would be great, then everyone could know, without a doubt that I hate them! Add snow to the mix, and all bets are off, these people have no problem parking however they want, and just driving like crap in general. Tailgating is not smart, but in Billings that's what you do, it's a good thing I know how to drive, otherwise I would probably be dead right now! I know, the answer is just don't go anywhere, but it's never that easy! I can't make the kids walk in this kind of weather, it's just mean. If we lived anywhere else we probably wouldn't even have school, but I'm glad we do, I need time off from the boys! So I guess I will tough it out, but at least I have something good to bitch about!!!
Now I need to get some dinner in these boys, and continue to bask in the glow of that awesome superbowl win!

Day 11: Mall shopping on Saturday...

I am so glad that I live someplace where there are plenty of places to buy what we need. Growing up we had to travel to Butte just to go to Walmart, and it seemed like it was so great to shop there. Of course now I'm older and wiser, and I hate Walmart. The Walmart in Billings seems to be the mecca for all to gather from eastern Montana and Wyoming. Why go anywhere else, you can get groceries, electronics, books, pretty much whatever you need at low low prices. That is if you can find what you need. See being the center of the universe around here has it's pitfalls. You have to get up pretty early in the morning (literally) if you want to get high demand items, and if you don't want to fight the crowds... It's not fun, I go there and I swear alot, I feel like I'm always in someone's way, and saying excuse me often gets met with dirty looks. Not to mention the fact that it's Billings, and healthy is a four letter word. I have no place to buy a lot of the specialty items that I used to get without any problem in Missoula. But I suppose the only way to make any of this better is to change how I do things, because I certainly can't expect an entire city to change for me. I went to 3 stores today and couldn't find green curry paste... sigh, I need to rethink the soup I'm making I guess...
Anyway back to shopping on Saturdays. Santa brought the big boys gift cards to Build a Bear Workshop, and I have been waiting to go until the christmas crowd died down, I figured today would be safe. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.... phew... oh geez. I picked up one of Wyatt's buddies and we went down to the mall. The mall was a mad house, honestly I don't know what I was thinking. It's the beginning of the month, and there were wall-to-wall travelers, and the place to be today was Build a Bear! Do you know they host birthday parties? I do now!!! And those poor employees have to sing just like they do at chain restaurants. I didn't see a single parent at the party either, it's like they dumped the kids off and let the employees babysit while they went to Victoria's Secret then stopped off for a nice Cinnabon. So all the boys picked their animals, and got them filled. Wyatt and his friend were first, and the girl filling them didn't even say hi. I understand it was busy, I've been there, it's frustrating, but she really wasn't very nice, but I was the only one that noticed, the boys didn't care all that much. She finished Wyatt's, and another employee came to "relieve" her, for what I can only assume was a much needed attitude adjustment. The new employee was wonderful, she talked to the boys, and played with them, and made it the experience that one would hope it could be. We then went and picked out clothes, Wyatt and his friend got army fatigues (puzzled about that one, but it's cool!) and Ebin and Logan got football uniforms. They are really cute, and all in all it was pretty good. The most amazing thing about the whole experience is that the boys were all so well behaved! I realize my kids are cool, but sometimes these public situations are not so sunny. They really made me feel good about taking them to do things like this. They got along so well, and I'm really proud!!!

Tomorrow!!! Big Day!!! Oh I'm ready! I hope you are too, it's going to be so fun just to watch the game with the kids! Go Green Bay!!! That means I'm going to have to spend my morning getting all my chores out of the way, and deciding what the heck to make for food! I want it to be one that that boys will always remember, I wish John could be here for it, but I guess we will just have to make due! And I have to exercise, really all I did today was walk the mall, so I feel like I totally wasted my day, but in reality I suppose it was pretty good! I didn't even eat a pretzel today when I got them for the boys, and that's really an achievment!!! So off to get ready for bed and get a good night's sleep so that tomorrow can be the best superbowl ever!!!!

Day 10: Preparing for THE weekend..

I wish that there was some way to express just how good it feels not to be hungry. I mean I get hungry, like any normal person, but not having the feeling that every moment of my day needs to include stuffing my face, that's a revelation. After yesterday's little bump in the road I really had to sit down and think about what's going on here. I talked to John about it, and he made me realize that maybe I'm too hard on myself. I do get mad at myself easily, I can really say that at least once or twice a day I'm beating myself up about something, and with all these changes I'm making, I've left the door to self-deprication wide open. I can't seem to shut that off. Yep I ate a burger, yep it made me feel gross, now I have to move on. I love my husband, if it wasn't for him, I don't have a clue where I would be right now. He's really very encouraging, even if it is from a distance. Of course, when he comes home, I may not be so popular, what with cooking healthy food and all... ;) I can't wait to see him, I have a little more than 2 weeks, and that gives me time to work really hard and lose some more weight!!! It's all very exciting!
Let's talk about these beautiful young men that I have. Lastnight Ebin had the Blue and Gold banquet for boy scouts. Wyatt decided to tag along because they were having Bar-b-qued ribs, and Mom's mean and making him eat good stuff at home... It was nice for me, they went with Ebin's grandparents, so it gave me a couple hours to wind Logan down, and have a nice quiet dinner. When they came home they were happy, Ebin said it was great, Wyatt said it was boring, pretty much what I expected. I think it took about 5 minutes for them to start tattling on eachother. I realize that being in a blended family can be tough for kids, especially when both boys had gone from being an only child with the universe revolving around only them, to being part of 3 kids and the universe revolves around the new kid. They focus more time and energy on trying to get eachother in trouble than they do on anything. So lastnight's episode was an issue of Ebin feeling left out, Wyatt and 2 kids that go to Wyatt's school wouldn't play what Ebin wanted. That turns into no one want's Ebin around (in Ebin's little pity party) and everyone hates him, and.... well they lost me after that. They began telling on eachother for things that happened over a year ago!!! Now if that conversation had happened just a matter of weeks ago I would have started yelling at them, and punishing them for tattling and it would have been a rough night. I didn't, I actually sat and listened, and after hearing both sides of the story, I found out that Ebin wasn't left out at all, but rather the 3 other boys didn't want to get in trouble for running up and down the halls so they found a quiet game to play, and Ebin wasn't in the mood to play quietly, so he went to pout. Ebin has a lot of friends, he is a really friendly kid, but he is also very jealous when someone else gets involved, and I understand that feeling, I was very much the same way! He told me that he is afraid that if these boys are friends with Wyatt, they won't like him anymore. I think I was able to make him understand that it's ok to share friends, and maybe next time something like this happens he can join the group and play what they are already playing, instead of being upset that they don't want to play his game. He is such a sweet kid, and I hate to see him hurt like that, but the combination of a little bit of single child syndrome, along with all of his other stuff can be really a hard thing for me to deal with. Everything is very black and white, and I hope that through being more patient, I can help him find a gray area in there. He needs a good Mom, and deserves one, and I am really greatful that I get to be the person to fill that space in his life, even if it is tough. My Dad did it with 3 kids, and I wouldn't trade him for any other dad in the world, I really hope that I can provide that kind of love for Ebin.
Ebin makes me laugh too, he's really innocent in some ways, at least that's how I percieve him, but then he will do something so shocking that I have to sit back and really just let it set in! Yesterday Logan got a tampon out of the box in the bathroom, and came running down the hall with it. I saw him and I was going to get it from him, but Ebin cut me off at the pass and grabbed it. He said to Logan "You can't have that. What, do you want to be a girl? That's medicine that girls take after they have boobs..." I stood there with my jaw on the floor trying really hard not to pee my pants. I can always count on Wyatt for funny comments like that, but it's not as much from Eb, so to hear it makes it even funnier! I cherish those little things, I wish those kids could understand how much, but the exciting news is that I have a lifetime to help them figure it out.
So on to Super Bowl, ooooooh I'm an excited girl. I'm not letting myself think about what I am missing by not partying, but rather making a point to be excited about what might happen in the game. I'm a die hard Packers fan, have been since I was a kid (much to the chagrin of my Denver Broncos loving family... I love them in spite of themselves...) My team full of underdogs, the junior college quarterback, the kid whose own highschool coach father kept him benched, the little team that could! Go Green Bay!!!! I feel like I've let myself be an underdog too, so now it's a great time to take their success this year and apply it to me! Perservere!!!!!

Day 9: Lesson learned... I hope...

So I've spent so many years not sleeping well, that now that I'm sleeping better, real lack of sleep kind of turns my day to mush. I had to have a sleep deprivation test today, and lastnight I was only allowed 4 hours of sleep, without help, which really turned into about 2 and a half hours. By the time I woke up this morning at 4 am I was ready to call the office and tell them where they could put those electrodes. I got my poor boys ready for school, and not in a very nice way, and away they went. I had zero desire to do any of the fun exercise activities I've been doing in the morning, but to my credit I tried. I only did about half of what I do every other day, but I gave it a try. I flipped on a horror movie, and sat on the couch with Logan (who doesn't seem too thrilled about being awake either) and vegged, sort of. Ooooooh how I love scary movies. It's like my own personal form of crack. If I didn't have the bigger boys around I could watch them all day, every day. I love zombies, slashers, oh I like it all. It's probably not right how much I like them, I'm counting down to Halloween, already planning my costume, and all I will probably do is hang out with the kids!!! My point here is that I have found a new way to kill time, and the movies play a pretty big role. When I am that involved in a movie it's really easy for me to walk in place and watch it, so at least I'm not so much a couch potato anymore, more like a walking potato... if that makes any sense....
Speaking of potatoes, that leads me to my very naughty slip up today.... I went to McDonalds for lunch! I had a burger and fries, I've only been on the diet for a little more than a week and I already jumped ship!!! Oh, don't get me wrong, it tasted alright, but now I feel like my tongue is coated in wax, and my gut is filled, not with good food like it should, but its filled with something akin to a sock full of quarters... I feel like barfing. The lesson to myself here is that I should always listen to nutritional advice, when someone in the know (in this case MTV...) says that your body can change how it feels about food in a matter of days, I should listen. I knew before I even pulled in the drive thru that it would be a bad idea. I have a headache... why the hell do I have a headache???? McBarfy's has never given me a headache in the past, at least that I remember... Oh man, yuck. This was a good lesson for me, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at fast food the same, even being so tired this morning I didn't feel this dumpy. Note to self: Fast food is crap, you are better off sticking with what you have been doing this last week!
In my fat-hangover state, I'm still really proud to announce, my starting weight was 225 a little over a week ago, I am currently sitting at 218! And I am down to less than one can of soda a day!!! I really feel great about it, and I guess that's probably why I let myself get the lunch I had, my reward for losing some weight... fat... *face palm*. Okay, so my goal for tomorrow is work harder, video tape Logan exercising, eat no more garbage, and prepare for the Super Bowl!!!! GO PACKERS!!!!!!!!

Day 8: Who needs to travel? New Jersey's on TV all day...

   I realize that trends are something we generate all the time, we had Cabbage Patch Kids, Ninja Turtles, Tickle Me Elmo, a couple of years ago it was Twilight, and now we have New Jersey. Wow, I can honestly say that the only time I have ever considered going there was when I heard Kevin Smith opened a comic book store, now I can't get away from it! I know that episode of South Park was on a while back, and boy did it hit the nail on the head. I don't even watch that shit and my kids know more about the Jersey Shore than they know about things happening in their own town. Now that I think about it, when are we going to have the sitcom about juiced up vampires who go to the Jersey Shore to blend in with all of the new tourists that are making a pilgrimage there to try to catch the elusive snooki. The vampires will stand out because they can't tan, so they open their own spray tan salon, and oooooh the hilarious adventures that will follow.... BARF. For cable I pay good money that John works very hard for to find that 9 days out of 7 there isn't shit on 9 billion channels... HOORAY FOR ON DEMAND!!!  I know, I know, what a stupid thing to bitch about, but I have been a couch potato for so long, I have made tv my bestie. I have a love affair with the box with pretty flashing colors. A love affair that I am currently trying very hard to break! If it wasn't so cold I could go for a walk, but as I have mentioned, I am a big fat baby that can't handle cold!!! At least there is music, that's good, and I have made a new friend with Denise Austin and her On Demand aerobics programming. I'm reserving my MTV time for I Used to be Fat, and that is all!!!
   Speaking of Denise Austin, she must be like that mom that wakes up at 4 am, hops out of bed, and moves and shakes with her kids and all of her business dealings and never gets upset or demotivated!!! I have spent 14 fast paced minutes with her the last 2 days, and you know what I think??? She has no soul! I am drawn in by her promise of getting fit, and I turn her on, and I never hear her say "you know Jamie, this is going to hurt you more than it hurts me". It's pain ... so much pain... and yet I can't stop, I want to go buy her dvd's and books and equipment. She is officially the new owner of all of my pain receptors. 14 minutes... that's it, and I have to be honest, I like it. I feel better now than I did a little over a week ago, and if I feel better after losing only a few pounds, how will I feel in a couple weeks when John comes home and I've lost a little more and I'm more active? I think it's going to be amazing. He's been working out longer than me, and I'm excited to be able to work out with him. Last time he was home, I didn't even watch, I just went about my day and didn't bother with it. I am the most supportive wife ever... yeeeeesh. I doubt he will want to do aerobics with me, but Denise is a blondy, so who knows, could be in the cards!!!  Logan likes her! I can promise you, if you have never seen an 18 month old doing aerobics, it is so worth it! Maybe tomorrow I'll take the camera out and finally figure out how to post stuff on this thing other than my silly words.  He loves the aerobics, he tries the best way he can, and it is really cute, and oddly helpful in the motivation department.
   Have I mentioned that I'm a smoker?  Yep, I started when I was 18, and working in a restaurant, it was the only way you got your breaks, so I did it. I have never been a heavy smoker, at my worst maybe 4-5 a day, unless I'm drinking, then all bets are off. I had no problem quiting with both of my pregnancies, but I have always gone back. At 31, I'm definately feeling the effects of those few smokes a day, especially while I'm trying to exercise. I haven't had one in 10 days. Which is the longest I've gone since I stopped breastfeeding, and I just keep telling myself that if I want to be in better shape that is the only way I can. I don't really remember ever seeing an athlete smoke.... I am no athlete, but if I plan on being Denise's buddy I think it's the only way I can keep up!!! OOOOH HOW I MISS YOU, MY CANCER CAUSING FRIEND!
   I know I keep talking about all of these things I'm quiting. I have no problem with drinking in general, and I don't want to pretend that I'm actually done with it, all I really want to do is get a handle on the way I do it, and be able to drink in a social situation and not be the drunk girl. I'm going to go to Butte for St. Pat's day, and I gotta tell ya, I don't know what's gonna happen! I'm so excited though, it will be so nice to go somewhere and be out, minus kids, and be able to just relax with my cousins, and adults and a giant amount of underage kids... Oh boy, I'm going to need to remind myself not to let that catty thing come out. The last time I went to Butte for the best holiday ever, I was 19, so who knows what kind of trouble my older, wiser, mouthier self could get in to. Perhaps I will be the driver, I think I can be much safer that way.  The reason that I worry is... Jersey Shore.... All of those little monsters out partying watch that crap, and they are trying to emulate it, and I really don't want to have to take my kids to school on Monday with a black eye, or conversely come home with a record for getting in my first fight ever. (that's right, some Anaconda girls didn't fight!!!)  I'm really going to have to think this one through!!! Green shirt's, green beers, big green poofy hair, and me... I am planning one drink for that day though, I sort of had a tradition with my friend. We would go to the bar down the street from her family's flower shop and pick up a Christian Brother's ditch and a couple drinks for ourselves and bring the drink to her gramma at the shop. This year I will drink one for her.  She is very missed. Someday I will tell you why I know that a fart in church goes over surprisingly well, and how it ties in to the drink and the person who inspired it, but that's for another day. For now, I need to get up, get some lunch, and keep moving! Happy Hump day!

Day 7: 1 week down, many more to go.

   It's amazing what a person can learn about themselves in 7 days. I've always considered myself to be a pretty good person, not great, or productive, or anything special, but I do okay for my little space in the universe. I have a wonderful husband, he loves me more than I could have ever imagined, and I feel the same way. I have 3 beautiful, amazing kids, they drive me batty, but they are good kids, and I couldn't ask for better! Wyatt's stuggling in school, and not because he isn't smart, he's incredible, he's creative, and he is so much like me it's scary. I felt like I didn't need to do the work, I was so much smarter than the teachers, I was there to be everyone's friend and I couldn't possibly be bothered with school work when I was working so hard trying to impress my classmates. Of course both of these backfired, I was never popular, and I got horrible grades! It wasn't until I was in high school that I realized that when I did the work I did really well, and when I didn't try so hard, people liked me. I'm currently trying to make Wyatt see that, but how in the world am I supposed to change him when it took so long to change myself???
   Fast forward to the present day, and I have to look at myself to see why it is that he thinks being lazy is okay. Me: up until the last 7 days I have worked incredibly hard to accomplish as much as possible without working on anything, hence accomplishing nothing... Wyatt: Same as me in younger form. Hmmmm do you think, maybe a little, maybe just a touch, I have shown him that a person can live day to day by being lazy? I wish that he could feel the stress that I feel. I know I need to do more, I know I should be using my waking hours being productive, and I have let this depression rule my activities, and the kids activities. If I had my way I would let everyone around me do everything and I would be happy to watch. It's messed up, because when I do the work I'm great, I'm really good at everything I've ever tried in life, and I have really lost sight of that.  I think that the last few days have been tough for Wyatt, because my change in routine has upset his routine. He is not very happy with me, because I am now talking to his teacher once a week, and I have taken away everything fun. Something occured to me this morning though, I could be making the problem worse. When I take all of these things away, he gets to just hang around the house and sit and do nothing. What if I try making him feel good about doing good work and improving, instead of spending so much time focusing on the bad stuff.  In my struggle, I am focusing on the possitive outcomes down the road, not the stress and pain and blah blah blah, so if I make him miserable, how in the world am I helping him. He's been through a lot in the last couple years, and everyone in my little Billings circle seems to forget that. They all focus on how much his older brother has been through, and Wyatt gets left behind, all the time. I'm expected to coddle and nurture one, while being the strict parent with the other.... It's a double standard and I won't do it anymore.  I'm the one who is here with these kids, they are terrific kids, and I really want them to have the best childhood possible. It's one more thing that I really want to fix, starting now!!!
   Knowing all of this leads me back to the last 7 days.  I went back a couple steps yesterday, I didn't do much of anything, I let myself fall into the old habit of not doing much, and it was very easy. So, of course, I had a lot of trouble falling asleep again, I was mad at myself, and worried that I had completely shot progress down. So when the alarm went off, I stayed in bed for just an extra minute, and I made myself a promise that I would not do that again today. I didn't, I have already done twice the physical activity as I did yesterday, and I'm not going to focus on how I didn't do anything, instead I will focus on making today worth it, and make up for some of what I didn't do! I can do it, I know it, and I can make today the best day all week so far!!!
   Oh, and here is a fun fact about Billings, they don't believe that the small side streets need to be plowed until lawsuits over damages to cars are looming. So they plowed our 1 block long street while I was in the shower, and my house is the only one on the whole block without a driveway... guess who's car is the plowed in one? Luckily John's is 4 Wheel dr. and that's what I'm driving anyway.  My next door neighbors are very elderly, and their driveway is snowed in, so for part of my activity today I'm going to go remove that snow for them! Ugh I hate cold, but they are very sweet people, and I can brave it for 30 minutes or so.
   Hello week 2!