Saturday, December 17, 2011

Oh the weather inside is frightful

What is it about December that makes people pawn their souls in order to fight other soul sellers for a 50 dollar piece of crap that their kids are going to forget about in a week? Don't get me wrong, I love watching my kids squeal with delight when they open up their gifts, but I am not patient enough to deal with all of the crazies out there. Here we are, 2 weeks past black friday and it only seems that the shoppers personalities are getting blacker. I work at a very busy place, and I am absolutely horrified at how pissed off people get at my coworkers and myself for either not having the deal they want, or not having something in stock. Seriously people get a grip. No one seems to care that after December 25th comes December 26th, when the pawn bill on your brain expires, and you have to return to some kind of normal activity for 364 days. If there is something you want, and you feel like it's that badly needed, why don't you look at the families that have to tell their kids that Santa couldn't find their house this year, or they must have been bad, or whatever the excuse is that is used. Those families might pawn a tv or a ps3, but not once do they lose sight of what's important at this time of year. You have family, you have friends, you have loved ones, and that's a gift that you can't buy. You have people who care, you have a home, heat, cable, phone, internet, the whole shebang. Your fight over a 50 dollar toy was just a waste of love, a waste of real feeling, no matter how heartfelt the gift, you have traded personality for capitalism. Merry friggen' Xmas.
I have family that I wouldn't trade for any Walmart fight in the world. My cousin took me to a concert the other night for free, because she knows that we don't have the money to go, but it was one of my favorite bands. That's amazing. My own Mom has gone through every kind of nonsense with her kids that you can possibly imagine, most recently involving my own household, but she is loving and forgiving, and still willing to make an effort to be a family, where others close to me are not. I'm completely torn apart by the rift right now, I feel pain in ways I've never felt, words were spoken that were absolutely unforgivable, and I've only found out tonight the extent. So I suppose that now all I can do is look forward to my kids being happy this next week, because I'm at a total loss. I realize that I have some very serious desisions to make, and it may screw up everything I have worked toward in Billings, but I won't be put in a position to choose between family members. Now with that said, I am going to bed, on the couch, and hopefully I will get some rest. I think I have finally realized I just can't win.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

There are no words...

So for the most part today was like any other day, get up, get kids ready, hang out for a while, go to work, come home from work, get the update about the boys, blah, blah, blah.... Wyatt was kind of a turkey after school, nothing different from any other day, but then my sister tells me a story that Wyatt didn't tell me. At recess today, Wyatt and 2 of his friends were walking around the playground, and they found a boy in their class on the monkeybars intentionally trying to hang himself. Don't worry about picking your jaw up, I'm still trying to scoop mine up. They helped this boy down, and told the teacher, who for some strange reason let the little boy go back to recess. Wyatt told me that he talked to this boy and told him that he has a little sister that looks up to him, and a new baby brother. This little boy told Wyatt that he did it because no one likes him. Wyatt said that he thought about me and how scared he was when I broke down, and that he didn't want anyone to feel like that. Wyatt is only 10, and that little boy is 9. My heart is so filled with pride that my son is so amazing, and so much anguish for what that little boy must be going through. There are a thousand questions running through my mind, and so much guilt for my own mistakes that Wyatt had to go through only recently. I spend everyday lately worried about money, worried about food, and gas and rent, and I have not even considered until now, the impact that something like this has on a kid. He is my hero, he is amazing, how many 10 year old would have the ability to comprehend any of what happened today. I also feel so sick that he had to have that experience, that's traumatic, and possibly life changing, and he has already been through so much the last couple years. Wow, I know that I'm rambling, but there are so many things racing through my mind right now that I can't really seem to settle myself. NO kid should ever have to feel the kind of pain that the little boy Wyatt helped is feeling. I've felt that, but as an adult, and at least I have the maturity to process it. I have to wonder what happens in his home, I have to think that maybe his family chooses to ignore the things in his life that have pushed him this far. I'm sure that the boy has some mental issues that, if they are being dealt with, are not being taken as seriously as they should be. Tomorrow I'm calling the school, and I'm going to have Wyatt talk to the counselor, I've been meaning to get him into therapy anyway, but now I realize the urgency. I am so filled with admiration for my own son that I can't even put it into words. He can't sleep because he says he keeps seeing the boy hanging there, and I can't blame him, that's a lot for a little boy to take in. Tonight there really isn't anything I can do, more than just be there for him, and tomorrow I will have the time to take the proper steps to help him understand his emotions right now. Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll do what I can then. I can tell you one thing, it has made me see just how trivial all the crap we've been going through really is. I have my babies, I have my family, and the rest is just details. I could not possibly be more blessed.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

In Between the money and me....

I feel really awful, all I do is bitch, I can't seem to bring my mood up to a decent good level. It's a good thing I'm a good actress, because I can honestly say that everytime someone comes through my line at work I feel jealous, they have the resources to do these fun things, I have the resources to smile and be friendly and wish them a good day. I'm really really good at pretending to be perky, which is good because I really really need this job. What's sad is that since we have been going through all this I'm finding that there are people very close to me who are going through a lot of the same things. So I have to look at it this way. We might be climbing this hill, but at least we are doing it together. John has considered moving back to Alaska, or going to Guatamala so that we have more money, but realistically we wouldn't have anything before christmas, which would be a lot less than we have now. We would have to wait to have insurance again, which we have really really good insurance right now, and considering the way things have been with me lately, and knowing that Ebin is so prone to pneumontia, I think it's something we need to hang on to. We are finally getting into a nice routine, getting along well because we see eachother every day, the kids are used to having John home, and I think him leaving would upset that apple cart so quick it's not even funny. There are all these adjustments that we have to make when John comes home on his days off when he is traveling like that, so it usually guarantees 4 days of us not getting along, which is miserable. The kids go crazy when he's not around for an extended amount of time because I'm a total sucker, and slowly let the kids start walking all over me. It doesn't happen when he's home because they know that there are consequences for their actions, and they are immediate, not 2 weeks from now. I miss him horribly when he's gone, and considering my little breakdown recently I'm so relieved he's home. The money thing is just a hump we need to get over, and we will. I think us being together, being a family is far more important than the money. We can find a way to make all of this work. We'll make it through, and chalk it all up as a learning experience! So I guess, for today, I'm hoping that my husband reads this and maybe him seeing it in writing will make him believe it. I just don't want to not be a family! I'm pretty blessed in that respect.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Just when you think it's ok to breathe...

So before I begin my sad sad sad story... again... I want to thank all of my friends, my family and all of the people that have been supportive through this hard time. Your kind words and gestures have really helped to reassure me that all of this is just a bump in the road that we will soon be able to cross. It really is fantastic, all of the love and support you have all provided and for that I thank all of you. One friend, in particular, has offered to go above and beyond, and it's absolutely amazing to me how far real love extends. Thank you Katie, you really have been a help psychologically and personally!
Today was a really hard one. Just when we thought things were back on track, our Landlord came to the door and threatened us with a 3 day eviction notice. It blew me away, and John too. Luckily for me I had work to go to and hide from it for a while, but he didn't. He had the pleasure of spending his day stewing on what the next course of action should be. Let's be honest, we only had the option to pay what we can for rent, but a person always wants to think of the ways to make the aggressor feel bad. John had plenty of ways, but I think we would need a whole big bunch of law books and Will Hunting to make our case. We made a deal, we followed through, and as of now, we are safe in our home for at least another month. John feels like he should leave and mine out of state again, he feels like his family isn't ok. I feel like maybe I should find a different job... again, just so we can make ends meet. The power, the water, the phone, the cable, all due at the same time, and I just started my job so no money coming in for a couple weeks. I feel like a total loser, going back to work to help and we are so far behind it's sad. However we need to take into account the fact that we are all at home, we have these beautiful boys that we love more than our own lives. I have my sister here, who I would have never believed could be the rock that she is for me, and I couldn't be more greatful for her. So what if we are behind, I am ok with going to the food bank one more time if we have to, so what if they threaten us with whatever, we will find a way to fight and win. I want you all to know that I know at least a couple of my readers have been in this position, it just so happens it's our turn, shitty though it may be, and in the future if any of you need help of any kind, I will find a way. That's my new goal. Even in our time of not as good as we would like it, it's time to help others too. I'm not really a holiday spirit kind of person, but we all need to give a little, and don't expect anything back, just remember that there was a point in your life that things weren't ok, and now is the time to help. I hope that one day the kindness I have been shown will be extended to someone else in the same position, who truly deserves the help.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Homework for dummies... i.e. parents

In the grand scheme of things my kids are awesome. I couldn't ask for more as far as that is concerned, but I am coming to realize as a product of my own laziness just how stressful homework can be. Ebin has some needs that I'm not always equiped to deal with, and Cyndi tries to help but she doesn't really have the structural background to help him in certain situations. Today we have spelling words, all with punctuation, and the poor kid can't grasp why an apostrophe might go somewhere. He doesn't have the best coping skills when he gets frustrated. At this moment he is crying because he can't spell Weren't. He is too hyper to pay attention to the small details and he gets so frustrated that he tries to pull out his hair, cries, and yells... a lot. (as you can tell by many of my own posts spelling isn't always my forte either, but I have the capability for figuring it out with my very wise 32 years...) I'm watching him freak out over nothing nearly every day. It may not even be homework, he finds things that just freak him out, and I feel terrible. Luckily I have a therapist, and soon he will too. Also I hate math. I'm sooooo bad at math, when I try, my behavior turns into something close to what Ebin does when he is frustrated. I find it hard to believe that kids this young have hours of homework, I understand the reason, but geez, they're just kids, it can't be easy to know that you have 3 hours of homework after 7 hours of trying at school. So we climb this ladder hoping to keep the kids as caught up as they can, and one way or another we will win.
Oh yeah, you know I mentioned that Therapist earlier. She is truly awesome, and as it turns out the crazy is backing off... and I'm learning to be less of a doormat and more of a regular person. John and I have our arguments like any other couple does, but sometimes I feel like I'm just fighting a one sided battle. As it turns out (according to her) I'm learning more and more how to deal with these frustrations, rather than backing down. Now to be fair, she has met my husband, and has kind of an idea how he opporates. She is really proud that I am taking the steps I need to to be a better, healthier person. The one thing that I really wanted to address is that the meds I'm on have made me gain back all of the weight that I worked so hard to lose. She told me that a lot of people won't take the meds because of the weight side effects alone, but I'm not willing to risk my family and my kid's futures over some pounds. I'm going to work hard, lose the weight again, and then some, and make it all work. You know what??? Today was a good day!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Starting over... again...

Today is the day I start my new job. I would tell you where, but the handbook they gave me says that I'm not allowed to mention them by name. What I can tell you is that it's a retail entertainment place, and I'm getting paid more than I was at my last job. I know it's totally a crazy time to start a new job in retail, but I really do like working with the general public, I have a good repore with most people and I'm always up for learning something new. I'm excited to because it's the first time that I've had a job where I have a pretty good idea of what's going on because it's an industry that I'm familiar with... very familiar! I'm also more nervous about this job, more so than I have been in the past, maybe it's just because of the holiday season, I don't know. I just know that it's a new beginning, and I'm ready to knock their socks off!
Speaking of doing something new, we went to the food bank last week, and because of the generousity of others we were able to have enough to last us until we get paid again. I can honestly say that I will never again ignore the chance to donate to the food bank, or even toys for tots. My boys mentioned that we went to the food bank to Ebin's gramma, and she has been wonderful, she hasn't said a word about it, but she has been flooding our home with food. I've had friends offer to help with Christmas, and that is amazing. This is the year that I get the opportunity to learn just what it takes to be in the holiday spirit. I don't need gifts, I need to pay attention to the situations around me, and reach down deep to help others. I've never looked at the holidays that way, I've always used it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself, who I'm not seeing, what I'm missing out on, and falling on hard times for me, has taught me a little bit more about what's important. I have a beautiful family, and a lot of people that care for us, I really can't ask for more than that!
With that I need to get ready for work, so thank you all for caring as much as you do, you make it all worth while!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Just another day in paradise...

I know yesterday I was crying and complaining about my situation, which I'm partially sorry about. After having a little time to think about it, I realized something. There is a need for help for families who make too much to qualify for general assistance, but need temporary help. In the next couple of weeks we won't be able to afford gas, we won't be able to buy groceries, or pay bills, or anything extra at all. I worry that I won't be able to have christmas for my kids, it's like they get punished for the things that are going up in our grown up lives. I wish there was a way to find hidden money, plant the magic money tree, without having to sell stuff or take out a loan that causes just another bill. You know what? If I won the lottery I would set up a grant for say $15,000 dollars that is only to be used for families in situations like ours, and proof has to be given as to what this money is used for. Rent, utilities, car payments, regular bills and food. A fund that can only be accessed when the checking account is at bare minimum. It seems like a great idea, but the honest truth is that I don't even have the dollar to buy the lottery ticket. The only things I have to sell are pretty important to me. I considered selling my kids, but then I wouldn't have anyone to take out the trash. I suppose it doesn't help that I'm still sort of teetering on the verge of insanity, so I let little things get way too big. Today I'm going to spend my time researching all of the outlets I may possibly have, I'm sure there is help out there, I just need to find a way to make it happen. I start my new job in a couple of days and that will really help. So I guess if I find anything that will be of service to us and anyone in the same position, I will post it. For now, Have a happy monday.