Kinda scary...

Wow, what a night the whole entire earth had. I woke up at 1 am, to turn off the tv, and instead I was greeted with the news of a horrifying earthquake, tsunamis, death and distruction, with more looming in the very near future. I realize that I tend to be excitable, I blow things out of proportion, but I am honest about the sickness I felt when I saw it. A former roommate and very good friend lives in Japan, he and his wife recently had a baby, which on its own is stressful,I can't imagine the terror they all felt. Every ounce of my heart goes out to all the families affected by this tragedy. I did find out that my friend and his family are ok, which is fantastic, but it doesn't lessen the fact that an island the size of California has, in 1 short day, been completely changed. Not that there is a way to stop an earthquake, but one could only wish for a way to make this devestation a little easier on the people involved, that they may find their loved ones, and have the opportunity to rebuild their lives.
It is events like this that make people look inside and take stock in their priorities, or at least that's the way it works for me. I have so many fears for the future of myself and my family. I have spent years letting those fears cripple me against achieving things that I am so capable of. I worry about everything from whether my alarm will go off to whether or not I'm good enough for my own husband and kids. Change is always difficult, and all of my own recent changes become daunting tasks that I will surely never be able to complete, and I get bummed out and act like a big fat spoiled little snot. Seeing what I saw happening in the world made me reflect on just how good I have it, and from now on I'm going to look for the little sunshine spots in my day and make the most of them, and use that energy to realize some of those forgotten dreams. Maybe show the kids that actually LIVING the precious days a person has on this earth, is so much more fulfilling than just being alive. I'm on the right path, I suppose it takes a few wrong turns before you look at the map, and its a map that I have to make myself. I guess I had better invest in some crayons and paper...

Week 2: Positive outcomes only... right???

Hi! Hiiiiiii! (Picture me waving like a mental patient.) I have been lazy about writing, but I have to do this from my phone, so please bear with me! You will???? Oh you are the awesomest! So good news today, I'm currently exceding my gym goal of 2 lbs a week, I have managed to lose an extra pound both weeks. Hooray!!! It was wonderful having John home, he really helped me get motivated again, mixed with our fun little competition, and the great luck we had finding a trainer, and I feel like a brand new person. My "baby fat" is shrinking, I can officially see my feet without moving the continental divide out of the way! I can now tell that all of my pants are not only too short, but too stinkin big! I know its not a lot of weight, but the difference in how I feel is immeasurable. I have an addictive type of personality, and going to the gym has become my outlet for that, I get my fix, I get aggression out, and I am losing this weight! I honestly just expected to wake up one morning skinny, but, much like high school, I have learned that hard work really pays off! The kids are saying I'm happier too, I have even invited one of Ebins friends for a sleepover! That's huuuuuge. I've always considered bars to be general recreational activity, but now that I'm going to the gym almost daily, I realize that just being in my own space for an hour is the one big thing I have needed all this time! (John, from the very depths of my soul, thank you!) I am going to keep it short here because the phone isn't exactly "writer friendly", but I do want to say this: I will be in Butte for St. Pats, if you want an autograph... ha ha, who am I kidding??? Anyway if you want to see me, there is a good possiblity that I will be passed out somewhere, I've been really good, and I can't wait to spend a weekend with my cousins, embarrassing the shit outta myself... I'm very good at that!

First week down...

I decided to spend the last few days with my family. John left this morning, and I really just wanted to try to enjoy that time, unlike the last few times when I was more depressed, and the last few days were always filled with me being super-bitch because I resented the fact that I am with the kids alone. Yep, that's really fair. The worst part is that I would be a jerk to him, be angry, and have no clue why! That seems like a good basis for a healthy relationship, but I guess changing is going to take all parts of myself, good and bad! I spent so much time worrying about myself, that I couldn't see those last couple days are just as hard on him, and I was only making it worse for both of us. The difference this time is that my head is on a little straighter this time. We had a really wonderful time, we went bowling, we ate pizza, and ice cream, and threw all caution to the wind, and it was really great. I think that while he was home this timewe found something healthy to do together, and the combination of that, mixed with the fact that I now have something constructive to look foward to that occurs outside of the house, and sans kids, really improved my overall demeanor. Don't be fooled by the man behind the curtain though, I have a lot of personality to improve upon. I'm only saying it was easier to cope this time, hopefully there will be a vast improvement for the next time he's home, so that all can be wonderful. He's very patient with me, and I don't always deserve it, but he is just awesome!
Tomorrow I go see my trainer, but I managed to skip the last couple days to spend time with the fam, and I ate like a pig, and I have been sitting around all day trying to figure out a way to go to the gym tonight, or at least have a good excuse for not going... I'm so lame I just can't! So on that note, I'm going to bed. I know this is short, but for the next month I don't have a computer, so the phone is my communication tool! Hooray technology!

Fit Challenge: Days 1 & 2

Ooooooh it's March, that means so many damned things, 1) John goes back to Alaska, 2) Ebin's birthday (he IS a young adult now, just ask him!) 3) A full weekend with my cousins, and friends and music and St. Patrick's day wonderment, 4) Last but not least, the challenge! I can tell you, I'm not normally a competative person, but allow me to explain the relationship I have with my friend who is the other party in this fitness madness. We have been friends since 1st grade, I think. Our birthday's are within a couple of days of eachother, and through grade school we were together all the time. We both wanted to be the best and smartest and prettiest, but I just didn't have the kind of passion that she did. While she worked hard and had goals, I just sort of skated by, and by middle school we had grown apart. That passion has helped her reach her goal of being a lawyer, which is something she wanted even as a kid. I have to admit, I always wanted to prove that I could do as well as her, but I guess I've spent the majority of my adult life scared of what I didn't know. How silly is that, now I realize that I have always been capable of reaching whatever I want, I just had to make an effort, and she has become pretty much my biggest ally (aside from my husband, of course!) in all of this new stuff I'm trying to accomplish. She has given me great advice, and really was the one that gave me the idea to start writing. Who knew that all these years later, it would all come full circle, and I would have the good fortune of gaining an old friend back! So we were talking in the middle of February, and decided that we both needed some extra motivation to move, and we came up with this idea. Why not exercise, and keep track of time, calories burned, miles, etc. whatever we have access to information about, and compare notes at the end of the week, then at the end of the month, whoever has the best numbers will earn a prize from the other person! Sounds like a plan to me, in fact I even told my trainer, and he was stoked. I'm really excited about this, I feel like there is no time like the present to really challenge myself, and whether or not I win, I'm fine with it, because I will have accomplished something good!
Yesterday was the first day, March 1st, and wouldn't you know it, I was so effin achy yesterday that I had no desire to go to the gym. I really didn't think I could do it, but John is wonderful, and he pushed me (mostly because I told him to make me) and ultimately I went. I'm glad I did too, because once I actually started moving, all of that feeling cruddy went away, and the motivation showed up. I really think that had I skipped lastnight, today would have been awful when I saw my trainer. He already promised he was going to kick my ass, and he definately lived up to that promise. What a pumpkin he is... I actually asked him if anyone has ever hit him, poor kid, I hope he knows I'm just playing when I say stuff like that! His answer was pretty good, he said no, but a lot of people had wanted to! Fair enough! I'm really glad we decided to hire him, he's really fantastic, and even though I've only had a couple sessions, it's amazing how much better I feel already! Sore has become just a part of day to day activities, and not something that stops me from functioning, but instead something that helps motivate me by reminding me how hard I have already worked! I love the gym, I love that I get some time alone to do my own thing, I love that I'm already feeling stronger, and in hindsight, I should have done this years ago! I'm really pleased with my first day of the challenge, and I'm really excited to compare notes, and I'm also excited that my cousin's wife (who is a total doll face!) is going to do it with us! 3 people, 3 different parts of the country, and we are all working toward the same goal! Oh internet, you are a fabulous power when left in the hands of the right people!