Lucky I can remember my own name...

One thing anyone close to me knows for sure is that at some point in the near future, I WILL do something to embarass myself, and probably in front of, or to someone I know. In the last week I have run in to not one, but three (count 'em) THREE people that have said hi to me and been excited to see me, and I have no damned clue who they are. People I have known for years... I look right at them and smile and say hi and act excited and then ask "who are you???" I don't know why this is my week for it, I don't even really know anyone in this town, or so I thought, but I also really don't keep track of a lot of people, so I feel within my rights to be blunt when I ask. I mean who knows, it could be someone that I may or may not have had a sorted past with, and perhaps I would like to pretend like I don't remember.... there are children around.... So, if by any chance, you happen to be one of these people, I really do appologize, I promise that trick wasn't just reserved for you!
Next we must touch on the subject of music. Oooooh I'm a music snob, and a couple days ago I got to see 2 bands that I LOOOOOVE one of which is at the total top of my music snob list! But my list isn't what made this particular show so special. Wyatt has been the (2nd) biggest Foo Fighters fan since he was little. He used to say he was going to be a rockstar like Dave Grohl when he grows up, and he is still dreaming of it. John and I decided to take the older boys to see The Foo Fighters with us, and I can honestly say as far as the show went, it was amazing, and being able to spend that time with Wyatt and seeing his face when he got to hear his favorite songs, that was so incredible!!! This is the first concert in years that I have gone to and been honestly sober the whole time, that was wild! I actually remember the concert this time! The other band we went to see is Motorhead, one of the most influential metal bands in the world, and an absolute dream for me. Lemmy is like my drunk, not really attractive, smoking, old man crush! He's just cool as shit. So John suggested that we get some paint pens, and paint the car windows, and we did. The sides had the Foo Fighters logo and "Foo or bust", and on the back window I wrote "Lemmy is my dad", took pictures, and sent them off to my buddy Angel. They then got posted on The Blaze facebook page. I thought that was pretty cool, we were just having fun, but then we saw people taking pictures of it at Hooters, which makes me wonder how many other people took pics! Then yesterday on the way home, I was told that Lemmy's camp wanted to use the photo, and wanted to know who to credit!!!! HOLY SHIT! That's me!!!!!! You know what this means don't you??? This is the stuff that groupies dream of, minus the blow jobs! I get to possibly be a small part of the history of Motorhead, and the memory of the most amazing show I've ever been to will live on forever, somewhere!
Oh, and more good news on the homefront... We all survived the rapture without too many problems! Of course I wouldn't be going anywhere, but you would think the kids could go... but had they gone, I suppose the Foo Fighters would have been more drunk and less memorable. I really can't understand how so many perfectly intellegent people could give away their life savings to help spread the good word, then when it's time for the big guy to make good on some promises, it's a no go... Sorry folks, it appears as if the bus to the promised land was delayed, but may be a little closer in 5 months, so go ahead and stay hunkered down, and keep sending cash... wow... I can't wrap my mind around it.
And on that note, I must leave, but only for now... my bus is heading out to the laundry room.

Reaching...

I can honestly say that I'm happy I'm back to writing, but why the hell am I having such a hard time finding things to talk about. I'm really uninspired, so perhaps the gray cloud of funk hasn't quite passed. The kids are ok, not really much to report there, well except that Wyatt told me that he likes the word "biz-oobs" because it sounds like "biz-oobies". It doesn't matter how serious I'm supposed to be with these kids, I have a totally immature sense of humor, and boobs make me laugh, as well as any of the other disgusting, boys only, taboo, no-no bodily functions. I'm glad these guys are boys, I wouldln't have clue one what to do with a girl. Except fight, because we all know that if I did have one she would be just like me, and that's something this world doesn't need to see! Wyatt's enough like me that we butt heads (I said butt) if he was a girl, I'd probably be in prison, or a full blown alcoholic, either way I would be of no use to anyone!
Did you know that Sunday is Mother's Day? I just realized that yesterday, and it occured to me yesterday, when the kids were telling me all about their super secret school art projects that they are not supposed to talk about... These kids couldn't keep a secret if they tried, but it works out well in the lying department, because transparacy is my friend... :) Who knows how long that's going to last, but I intend to take advantage as long as I can. One of the latest tricks these kids like to pull is teaming up in lies when they do something wrong, what they don't know is I can piece almost anything together in a matter of seconds, yes I'm just that good! So far this week is pretty good, which means the next showdown will be a whopper.
I don't really know what the point of all that was, part venting, part rambling I suppose. I think about things like that and it makes me crazy, but to be honest in the grand scheme of things, they are incredibly good kids. They don't get physical with one another like I did with my siblings, and they help eachother out when they really need it. Oh gosh, was that a silver lining??? I guess so! I'll be damned!
Quick subject change, I want to wish my parents a happy anniversary, did you know that I proposed to my mom for my dad? Well we all did, but I was 5, and I truly only remember me doing it. I'm really lucky to have such wonderful parents, so Happy Anniversary, and I couldn't love you more!

Rollercoaster...

I hate not really knowing how to feel. Watching Undercover Boss lastnight, waiting for the emotional ending, and it's interupted by a news brief that that well known asshole piece of shit, bin laden is dead. I had to deal with pissed off kids for 10 minutes, because they wanted to see the ending too, but that's neither here nor there. Within seconds people were announcing all over facebook, the news, and within minutes, the conspiracy theories were coming out. Come on, really???? Can't we just enjoy this small victory for a little while? I'm not saying don't question it, but think of the people that were involved. Our own service members who had to (successfully) try to live through what was destined to be an ugly fire fight. Soapbox Jamie just wants everyone to take a day, take some time to live in the glory of the moment. I'm not celebrating the death of a human, but the death of what that 1 person represents. Our entire country is so deeply effected my fear that having that one little victory may prove to band us all together, if only for a little while. President Obama did the right thing at the right moment, and I can honestly say that I am proud of him, I'm proud of our military, and I really don't want to see this made into an issue about lies, or god, or anything like that. Enjoy this small amount of sunshine in a time when we are all looking for any in the gray clouds of financial and economical despair, and in a couple days if you still aren't satisfied, start your rants!
Ok, back to business. It was a tough day for Wyatt yesterday. He is the one going through the rollercoaster of emotions right now. He loves me, and he hates me. He loves and idolizes his Dad, and because Ebin gets to see his Dad more, I think he resents John a little (although on Johns last trip home he actually sort of warmed up, which was really really nice.) I have Wyatt talking to his counselor at school once a week, and his Dad did have a talk with him about his attitude toward myself and John. I really appreciated that, I need that backup. I know I whine about being alone with the kids, but they are pre-pubesant boys, and if I didn't know better I would think they were fully equipped with little estrogen factories... Bitch and moan, bicker and fight, blah blah blah. They're like 2 monkeys fighting over 1 banana all the time, so having the extra referees is really great! Hillary Clinton was the one that said it takes a village to raise a child, and I can say that I do believe that, it just so happens that my village is a blended family of carnies and circus freaks! We run the gammut of religious and social beliefs, and yet we have all found a way to make it work. And fairly peacfully I might add! I just wish there was more I could do to take away Wyatt's hurt, but I think for now I have struck a fairly good balance. So today is for him, and his brothers! (And America-f*ck yeah!)

Ok, ok, I'll do it... :)

So, as far as I can tell it's been about 6 weeks since I spent any time on my blog, and I have had quite a few people ask if I'm going to write, or loudly spell it out on my facebook wall (thanks Tiff!) and for my absence I appologize. In all honesty I have been lazy, if not falling back into my old habits. Depression really rears it's ugly head with me every now and then, but after John was home this last time I realized just how important it is to stay on top of myself. For the first time ever, I was honestly afraid that I had ruined the relationship I have with this wonderful man. I am incredibly lucky, and I managed to put all of that on the back burner so that I could spend my days moping vvb and feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm starting to get back on track, and now it's time to take into consideration my other responsiblities. I didn't realize just how cathartic writing this blog has been for me. I think the void that has been there for so many years was finally being filled, I found something that I really love to do, and I nearly threw it all away. So starting today, May 1st, I'm going to try to get back into my routine and just keep going with this. I have too much to say to just sit around my house in silence.
On that note, let's recap: I went to Butte for St. Pat's and it was pretty much the most epic drunk I've ever had. Yes I said drunk... very very unapologetically drunk. The next day was the Korn concert, the day that I swore I was going to drive because I drank faaaar too much the day before. All bet's were off when I saw all of my Missoula friends that I miss so badly. Thank you Maria for taking the reigns on that one, I was a total mess!!! I had such an incredible weekend with my cousins and friends that when I got home I was totally sad, and it was kind of the beginning of my near total colapse. I was sent back to the place I was in before I was pregnant with Logan, the place that was more fun than I had ever had in my life. Surrounded by my friends, out enjoying myself, and really not caring what happened next. It felt so good that coming home to all of my lonliness and responsiblities seemed like a step down. *imagine whistling noise* Downward spiral my friends, and I may have felt almost worse than before I even started to take care of myself. (which, by the way, I have lost 30 lbs!) My kids didn't like me much, or I them for that matter, and when John came home I was so relieved, I was almost on a super high until right before he left, then I just shut down. Fear of being alone I suppose, of being left here with just the kids and no hope in sight, but when I was at my worst, John was at his best, and he said some things that really resonated with me. He encouraged me to talk to someone (he has before, but I have always put it off) encouraged me to get out and actually do something with myself, because just going to the gym wasn't cutting it anymore. So I have seen a therapist, once, and he really didn't have much to say, other than I'm perfectly normal, all of these feelings are things that most people feel in my situation, they are just amplified by the depression, and considering family history, maybe we should look deeper into the type of depression I have, maybe it isn't as cut and dry as I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, I have some other issues that I have spent my whole life trying to forget, or being angry about that I have never really addressed them. It was like watching puzzle pieces fall into place, one by one. So my little puzzle universe is certainly far from complete, but I feel like the outward edges are coming together, and now I can start to build from the inside, one piece at a time. Its a pretty big relief to be honest, I really did think that I was crazy. So I have to thank John for all of the support he gives me, and the love. I have to thank my friends for reading all of this, and keeping on me to keep going, and I have to thank my kids, whom without, there would be no me! So I got that all out of my system and I promise when I write again I will fill it with some actual stories, and all of my awesomeness... (yes, after St. Pat's, I am OFFICIALLY awesome, even have the tshirt to prove it!!!!)