Falling off the wagon...

One thing I have never really been good at is completing anything. I have quit or backed off of every single endeavor to better myself that I have ever started, from band in grade school, all the way up to this very blog. You may be asking yourself "why would Jamie stop things like that? She is so ________ (insert positive adjective here) you would think she would be inclined to make it known that she is even more sparkling than we all believe..." Ok, maybe that was a little over the top, but I can read minds, so I just wrote down what you were thinking. But, alas my friends, I am a quitter. 6 months ago I was so motivated, so ready to change my life for the better, and now here I am, slowly letting myself fall back in to old habits. A little more than 2 weeks ago I weighed 35 lbs less than when I started all of this, I felt pretty good, my self esteem was doing not as well as I would like, but it wasn't bad. My birthday was awesome, I was surrounded by family, and friends and I partied like a rockstar. John came home the next night, and things were really looking up. Then without warning everything fell apart. I have been falling back into depression for a while, but it sort of swallowed me alive all at once. The combination of my kids going off to their respective summer homes, me getting older, John changing jobs, and contracting pneumonia reared it's ugly head. CONFESSION TIME! I have been a total glutton for the last couple weeks, and all that time that I spent losing weight, I undid a third of it in a very short matter of time. I had been stuck at around 190 for about a month, it was my own fault because I was cheating on a regular basis, but the last couple weeks have been all about stuffing my face with as much crap as I could find. Crackers, chips, chocolate, fat, fat and more fat. I wasn't even doing it because I wanted to, it was at least 85% emotional eating, coupled with being sick and not being able to stick it out at the gym because I'm way too exhausted from being sick and depressed. So why, you may ask, have I come to my senses now? Well, yesterday I went to see the doctor for the second time in a week to try to shake this stupid pneumonia, and she mentioned that I had stayed the same weight since the last time I saw her, 3 months ago. Truth be told, I just gained ten pure-fat pounds in the last 2 weeks, my blood pressure is up, which she said could be because I'm sick, but I really think that gaining so much in such a short amount of time may have contributed to it. I see the vicious cycle starting over again, depression leading to weight-gain, leading to depression, leading to weight-gain. Luckily I have this really wonderful husband who, inspite of me, is willing to hang on and be supportive, no matter what. He hasn't said a word about how I look, because he knows that it would only be painful coming from him at this point in time. After speaking to the doctor yesterday, I talked with him about it, and he said that he was glad that I had other reinforcement, because he didn't want to hurt me. Believe it or not, that was one of the nicest things he could have said to me at the time, and all at once I realized that if I don't shape up, I'm only putting myself in the position to lose it all. Not because I think that if I gain the weight back he would leave me, but because I know how I function, and I would be more angry, less inclined to do anything at all, and in the end not really worth much to anyone. I can't do that to him, and I certainly can't do that to my boys, and most of all, I can't do that to myself. When I started this whole healthy lifestyle thing my emotions were pretty fragile, the only reason that I didn't try to kill myself was because I knew that my kids would be alone, and ultimately seperated, and that was the last thing that I could have wanted for them. I was only about a step away from even caring about that, and how I feel now isn't all that far off from those feelings. The moral of the story here folks, is that I need to shape my shit up! I felt so incredible for a while there, and now that I fell off the wagon I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out by some dirty dark monster. No more I tell you!!! I'm going to win this battle if it kills me, and the knowlege that I will live longer for my family, for myself is going to be the ultimate motivation. NO MORE FATTY McFATFAT!