So, as far as I can tell it's been about 6 weeks since I spent any time on my blog, and I have had quite a few people ask if I'm going to write, or loudly spell it out on my facebook wall (thanks Tiff!) and for my absence I appologize. In all honesty I have been lazy, if not falling back into my old habits. Depression really rears it's ugly head with me every now and then, but after John was home this last time I realized just how important it is to stay on top of myself. For the first time ever, I was honestly afraid that I had ruined the relationship I have with this wonderful man. I am incredibly lucky, and I managed to put all of that on the back burner so that I could spend my days moping vvb and feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm starting to get back on track, and now it's time to take into consideration my other responsiblities. I didn't realize just how cathartic writing this blog has been for me. I think the void that has been there for so many years was finally being filled, I found something that I really love to do, and I nearly threw it all away. So starting today, May 1st, I'm going to try to get back into my routine and just keep going with this. I have too much to say to just sit around my house in silence.
On that note, let's recap: I went to Butte for St. Pat's and it was pretty much the most epic drunk I've ever had. Yes I said drunk... very very unapologetically drunk. The next day was the Korn concert, the day that I swore I was going to drive because I drank faaaar too much the day before. All bet's were off when I saw all of my Missoula friends that I miss so badly. Thank you Maria for taking the reigns on that one, I was a total mess!!! I had such an incredible weekend with my cousins and friends that when I got home I was totally sad, and it was kind of the beginning of my near total colapse. I was sent back to the place I was in before I was pregnant with Logan, the place that was more fun than I had ever had in my life. Surrounded by my friends, out enjoying myself, and really not caring what happened next. It felt so good that coming home to all of my lonliness and responsiblities seemed like a step down. *imagine whistling noise* Downward spiral my friends, and I may have felt almost worse than before I even started to take care of myself. (which, by the way, I have lost 30 lbs!) My kids didn't like me much, or I them for that matter, and when John came home I was so relieved, I was almost on a super high until right before he left, then I just shut down. Fear of being alone I suppose, of being left here with just the kids and no hope in sight, but when I was at my worst, John was at his best, and he said some things that really resonated with me. He encouraged me to talk to someone (he has before, but I have always put it off) encouraged me to get out and actually do something with myself, because just going to the gym wasn't cutting it anymore. So I have seen a therapist, once, and he really didn't have much to say, other than I'm perfectly normal, all of these feelings are things that most people feel in my situation, they are just amplified by the depression, and considering family history, maybe we should look deeper into the type of depression I have, maybe it isn't as cut and dry as I want it to be. And maybe, just maybe, I have some other issues that I have spent my whole life trying to forget, or being angry about that I have never really addressed them. It was like watching puzzle pieces fall into place, one by one. So my little puzzle universe is certainly far from complete, but I feel like the outward edges are coming together, and now I can start to build from the inside, one piece at a time. Its a pretty big relief to be honest, I really did think that I was crazy. So I have to thank John for all of the support he gives me, and the love. I have to thank my friends for reading all of this, and keeping on me to keep going, and I have to thank my kids, whom without, there would be no me! So I got that all out of my system and I promise when I write again I will fill it with some actual stories, and all of my awesomeness... (yes, after St. Pat's, I am OFFICIALLY awesome, even have the tshirt to prove it!!!!)
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