When I was in grade school all I wanted in the whole world was to be one of the popular girls. I had a best friend from about 1st grade through 5th or 6th, and she was friends with a lot of the popular girls, but it never seemed to carry over to me. At least that was my perception. Looking back, of course, a lot of them did try and my best friend really tried, but I was trying too hard. I guess I really began to understand that about my junior year in high school. I had this amazing group of friends that weren't the popular kids, and had more fun than I ever had in my life. I have also become the fun person that people really want to be around, I make friends all the time, it's amazing! It carried over into adulthood when alot of the very same kids I tried to be friends with became friendly with me. I was weird, and I knew it. I'm not really sure what it was that made me weird, but I was and it took me a lot of time to figure that out. Part of my problem at that age was that when I had a friend I wanted to be the only friend, and have all the friend time focused on me. To me a group of friends meant that I wasn't an important one. Wow, it's truly amazing the amount of things I missed out on just because I couldn't share. It definately carried on at home too. I have a really special relationship with my mom, and I think I felt cheated that my brother and sister took up time too, especially when mental illness began to play a role, and the focus had to be more positioned on whatever sibling needed the most help at the time. I was angry, how in the world could it be fair that they got to be the center of attention just because they were sick, or struggling. I really do understand much better now, and I'm glad that I can see it for what it really was, because I feel more poised to take on any situations like that that may arise in the future. Really, considering the history of my family it's a very real possibility that one of my boys could be facing the same fate. I think that I'm beginning to have the tools to work with it if it does come up.
So today is the day that I go back to work, and I know I'm going to be looked at differently, which I don't really want, but I understand. I have been completely honest with my bosses and coworkers about how this all came about. I've decided that it's not worth being ashamed about, and it certainly isn't worth the judgement and all of the rumors that can start. I work with mostly women, and that whole thing can get out of hand! I'm just going to focus on the goals that I have set up for myself and charge ahead, what anyone thinks is just their issue. It may be easier said than done, but I'm ready to answer questions. The one thing that I'm really not too ready for is pity. I don't want that. It's not worth it for anyone to feel that way about me, this is an issue that I should have addressed years ago, but I was so afraid of people looking at me like the poor sick girl, and I didn't want to turn out like other people that I knew who always had whispers and pointed fingers, and someone always watching them everytime they fall. Instead I waited until I was so far gone that being forced to get help was my only option. I look at people with mental illness a lot differently now. The majority of people that I met in the unit were just like me, perfectly normal (insert laugh track here) but in desperate need of what I like to call a vacation from reality. It's no Hawaii, but there was time to think, and that's something I have never really taken! I don't remember a time when I could just be alone and enjoy silence. I've always taken the noise as just a normal part of life, well having 3 boys running around there is no such thing as quiet! I have requested about 1 hour a day to just sit in quiet, maybe reflect on some things, maybe nap... who knows. All I know is that 2 weeks ago I couldn't have even asked for fear I would be putting someone out of their way. Really the cool thing now is that I don't quite feel so stressed when it is noisy and I'm not finding myself stressing about things that are out of my control. That feels really good, so wish me luck on my first day back, and I'm sure I will be writing soon!
Have a wonderful first day!
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