In Between the money and me....

I feel really awful, all I do is bitch, I can't seem to bring my mood up to a decent good level. It's a good thing I'm a good actress, because I can honestly say that everytime someone comes through my line at work I feel jealous, they have the resources to do these fun things, I have the resources to smile and be friendly and wish them a good day. I'm really really good at pretending to be perky, which is good because I really really need this job. What's sad is that since we have been going through all this I'm finding that there are people very close to me who are going through a lot of the same things. So I have to look at it this way. We might be climbing this hill, but at least we are doing it together. John has considered moving back to Alaska, or going to Guatamala so that we have more money, but realistically we wouldn't have anything before christmas, which would be a lot less than we have now. We would have to wait to have insurance again, which we have really really good insurance right now, and considering the way things have been with me lately, and knowing that Ebin is so prone to pneumontia, I think it's something we need to hang on to. We are finally getting into a nice routine, getting along well because we see eachother every day, the kids are used to having John home, and I think him leaving would upset that apple cart so quick it's not even funny. There are all these adjustments that we have to make when John comes home on his days off when he is traveling like that, so it usually guarantees 4 days of us not getting along, which is miserable. The kids go crazy when he's not around for an extended amount of time because I'm a total sucker, and slowly let the kids start walking all over me. It doesn't happen when he's home because they know that there are consequences for their actions, and they are immediate, not 2 weeks from now. I miss him horribly when he's gone, and considering my little breakdown recently I'm so relieved he's home. The money thing is just a hump we need to get over, and we will. I think us being together, being a family is far more important than the money. We can find a way to make all of this work. We'll make it through, and chalk it all up as a learning experience! So I guess, for today, I'm hoping that my husband reads this and maybe him seeing it in writing will make him believe it. I just don't want to not be a family! I'm pretty blessed in that respect.