So much to fix...

I've spent so long trying to make myself get better that I have completely ignored the things around me that are important, and then I let everything go too far. My bills are so piled up it's not even funny and we don't qualify for any kind of assistance. I don't even know if I can give my kids christmas this year, and it really sucks. John works his ass off and I start a new job this week, but even with both of those I just don't see any kind of hope for the future. It's my own fault, John works and I'm supposed to take care of all the financial stuff and I have managed to just fuck everything up. I am going to the food bank tomorrow, for the first time in my life, in hopes that it will be enough food for us for the next 2 weeks. John is really stressed out, and pretty much ready to kill me over all of this and I can't blame him, not a bit of it is his fault. He does everything he can to make it all work. He works 12 hour days, He works overtime, when he's home he does things around the house, he is everything. I am a huge disappointment, and having my breakdown when I did certainly didn't help. I wish there was a way that I could just change things. That whole winning the lottery thing doesn't seem to be working out, not that I have a dollar to buy a ticket.
It's not just the money either, I seem to be a disappointment to everyone. My kids don't really like me that much these days, everyone looks at me with pity and that hurts too. I'm doing all I can to ignore the way it is, but it's hard, especially when you know that there is so much to be said behind your back. That girl that seemed like she had it all figured out is a total and complete mess. She has sunk her family so low that there is really no way out at this point. I'm so sad right now. I feel like if I fall any more the whole world is going to colapse. Now don't freak out, I'm not having another breakdown, in fact it's the sanity that's making me realize what a mess things are. I'm sure John's only going to take so much more before he decides he's had enough. I already can't win with him, nothing seems to go right, if it was me I would have run away a long time ago. He loves me, and I know that, but he's never really happy with me. Anyway, I'm just rambling because I can, hopefully tomorrow I can find a way to make this all better, otherwise we won't even have a home at christmas. Time to get my shit together.