So it's 10:36 and I'm explaining to Wyatt just why his dad's new job is ok. This poor kid has been shuffled enough in his formative years that he feels anxiety like I do. That's not fair, he's having nightmares about his dad working in a different town than Missoula. I don't know if that means he's scared he's going to not see people he loves, or what, but this is a sort of pain that I can totally feel, but not fully understand. I had 2 parents for the majority of my life, and they worked different shifts, but they were always there, no travel time, no space in between, just a one parent at a time sort of thing. One of my biggest trials throughout my parenthood has been keeping the balance between Damon and I. I know that I have mentioned before that we get along great. He has a wonderful girlfriend, and he is the best dad he can possibly be from a distance. He just started a new job, and poor Wyatt is having nightmares about his dad. That just about kills me, I know what it's like to have nightmares about your dad, I have them all the time. I take meds to NOT have those dreams. My baby, my first baby, he means so much to me, and to see him cry because he is so worried about his dad absolutely kills me. He is such an amazing, talented, smart kid, and he spends so much time worrying about what's going on with his father that he doesn't utilize any of that talent, and it's all my fault. I know this, and of course I stress out about it, but whether he likes it or not, Wyatt has started to fit in in Billings, just like I have. It's not the same as home, but things are starting to come together. I had my setback that scared everyone, and in that I realize that I have spent so much time worrying about being in a place I don't want to be that I haven't even attempted to get a chance. I miss home, but I'm here and it's time to grow up and make it work for us. I just need to find a way to make my Wyatt understand that it's not nearly as bad as we want it to be. The moral here is that the only way I can make the changes we need is for me to make it happen. Wyatt has so much of my personality, and takes so much from the way I act, that if I can just find happiness he will too. I really spent the last 2 years bitching about my situation here that I have never given it a chance (however you will never change my mind about the zone. those assholes suck) It took me being in an institution type of situation and meeting some of the most amazing people I've ever met to realize just how lucky I am.
In light of all this I have been seeing a therapist, who I love, and she really asks me questions that I really have never considered. John has to come with me on tuesday, and I really do look forward to it. We have this mixed family, and John often feels like a bully even though I don't think he is. He considers Wyatt as one of his own, and true to form Wyatt considers him a nuisance. John really loves Wyatt, and when they get along it's amazing, but then the time comes that Wyatt compares John to his own dad, and that's where the problems start. I hate it. I feel so torn apart, because they really do have a lot of the same interests, and they do get along in the right circumstances. When those things don't work out, I feel like I'm on the torture stretcher. He hates him, he's pissed about this, he feels his space is violated, he blah blah blah blah. When the fuck does anyone say "Mom are you ok?" Only when I shut down. The only people that really notice I'm ready to blow are my sister, my mom, and Ebin's gramma. All Women, all knowing that things get overwhelming very quickly. John tries really hard, but with his work schedule he can't deal with as much as I do. Having Cyndi here is a Miracle! I know that to John she feels like a burden, but I can honestly say that without her I would go even crazier. I hate that I need help, but I do. She had grown into an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call her sister. I just hope I can live up to the same label.
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