I wish that there was some way to express just how good it feels not to be hungry. I mean I get hungry, like any normal person, but not having the feeling that every moment of my day needs to include stuffing my face, that's a revelation. After yesterday's little bump in the road I really had to sit down and think about what's going on here. I talked to John about it, and he made me realize that maybe I'm too hard on myself. I do get mad at myself easily, I can really say that at least once or twice a day I'm beating myself up about something, and with all these changes I'm making, I've left the door to self-deprication wide open. I can't seem to shut that off. Yep I ate a burger, yep it made me feel gross, now I have to move on. I love my husband, if it wasn't for him, I don't have a clue where I would be right now. He's really very encouraging, even if it is from a distance. Of course, when he comes home, I may not be so popular, what with cooking healthy food and all... ;) I can't wait to see him, I have a little more than 2 weeks, and that gives me time to work really hard and lose some more weight!!! It's all very exciting!
Let's talk about these beautiful young men that I have. Lastnight Ebin had the Blue and Gold banquet for boy scouts. Wyatt decided to tag along because they were having Bar-b-qued ribs, and Mom's mean and making him eat good stuff at home... It was nice for me, they went with Ebin's grandparents, so it gave me a couple hours to wind Logan down, and have a nice quiet dinner. When they came home they were happy, Ebin said it was great, Wyatt said it was boring, pretty much what I expected. I think it took about 5 minutes for them to start tattling on eachother. I realize that being in a blended family can be tough for kids, especially when both boys had gone from being an only child with the universe revolving around only them, to being part of 3 kids and the universe revolves around the new kid. They focus more time and energy on trying to get eachother in trouble than they do on anything. So lastnight's episode was an issue of Ebin feeling left out, Wyatt and 2 kids that go to Wyatt's school wouldn't play what Ebin wanted. That turns into no one want's Ebin around (in Ebin's little pity party) and everyone hates him, and.... well they lost me after that. They began telling on eachother for things that happened over a year ago!!! Now if that conversation had happened just a matter of weeks ago I would have started yelling at them, and punishing them for tattling and it would have been a rough night. I didn't, I actually sat and listened, and after hearing both sides of the story, I found out that Ebin wasn't left out at all, but rather the 3 other boys didn't want to get in trouble for running up and down the halls so they found a quiet game to play, and Ebin wasn't in the mood to play quietly, so he went to pout. Ebin has a lot of friends, he is a really friendly kid, but he is also very jealous when someone else gets involved, and I understand that feeling, I was very much the same way! He told me that he is afraid that if these boys are friends with Wyatt, they won't like him anymore. I think I was able to make him understand that it's ok to share friends, and maybe next time something like this happens he can join the group and play what they are already playing, instead of being upset that they don't want to play his game. He is such a sweet kid, and I hate to see him hurt like that, but the combination of a little bit of single child syndrome, along with all of his other stuff can be really a hard thing for me to deal with. Everything is very black and white, and I hope that through being more patient, I can help him find a gray area in there. He needs a good Mom, and deserves one, and I am really greatful that I get to be the person to fill that space in his life, even if it is tough. My Dad did it with 3 kids, and I wouldn't trade him for any other dad in the world, I really hope that I can provide that kind of love for Ebin.
Ebin makes me laugh too, he's really innocent in some ways, at least that's how I percieve him, but then he will do something so shocking that I have to sit back and really just let it set in! Yesterday Logan got a tampon out of the box in the bathroom, and came running down the hall with it. I saw him and I was going to get it from him, but Ebin cut me off at the pass and grabbed it. He said to Logan "You can't have that. What, do you want to be a girl? That's medicine that girls take after they have boobs..." I stood there with my jaw on the floor trying really hard not to pee my pants. I can always count on Wyatt for funny comments like that, but it's not as much from Eb, so to hear it makes it even funnier! I cherish those little things, I wish those kids could understand how much, but the exciting news is that I have a lifetime to help them figure it out.
So on to Super Bowl, ooooooh I'm an excited girl. I'm not letting myself think about what I am missing by not partying, but rather making a point to be excited about what might happen in the game. I'm a die hard Packers fan, have been since I was a kid (much to the chagrin of my Denver Broncos loving family... I love them in spite of themselves...) My team full of underdogs, the junior college quarterback, the kid whose own highschool coach father kept him benched, the little team that could! Go Green Bay!!!! I feel like I've let myself be an underdog too, so now it's a great time to take their success this year and apply it to me! Perservere!!!!!
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