I feel like I'm walking in Jello. The doc told me that once the happy pills kicked in there was a chance that I might start to feel down again, and I do. I can't explain it, I just feel like I've totally lost the spark of ambition that I had only a few days ago. You would think that after such a wonderful weekend I would be jazzed up to continue to do well, I mean I lost 10 lbs in the first 11 days! Hooray.... pbbbbbttttt. <<< That's me deflating. I'm sure the weather isn't helping, but it was a struggle to even get out of bed this morning, I'm finding humor in nothing, it's lame, I hate feeling like this. Honestly if I didn't know I had to, I would do nothing at all. On Sunday I made the kids a bunch of appetizers, and I ate some stuff I shouldn't have, but I don't feel bad, I've stuck to the healthy stuff pretty religiously. Oh man, I hope I perk up, I have no energy!!! I made myself exercise, but it was pretty half-assed. I did it in hopes that my personality would perk up, it didn't and now I'm stuck. I don't even really know what to write about, it seems kind of senseless. I really had to talk myself out of throwing in the towel. So I'm going to call my doctor, and see if it really could be a side effect, or if I need stronger meds. This has to change, and quick, because I have had so much success so far, both physically and emotionally, I can't give up now. Even John noticed while we were on the phone lastnight, and I have to tell you, I was trying very hard to sound happy! The difference now, I suppose is that I have been so positive that any step backwards seems pretty big.
I have been wanting to eat again, I haven't had any chocolate in 2 weeks and that is all I want. Ohhhh snickers, my dear friend, come to me... we can make beautiful music in my tummy... and bring your friend oreo, we can have a delicious get-fat orgy. What about some nummy chicken fried steak for dinner, and mashed potatoes and gravy, and not a single vegetable in sight. Oh how wonderful it would be, so much garbage in my belly that I want nothing more than to sleep. But alas, this shall not be, at least not until I'm sure I can get my eating under control. A girl can dream, can't she? The slow transformation into better food for the kids doesn't seem to be catching on very well either, which might be one reason why I feel down. Ebin does pretty well, he loves junk food, but for the most part he eats pretty well, that is WHEN he eats. I know it's a side effect of his medication, but I wish I could get some food into the poor kid. He's having a hard time with being such a small kid for his age, and I know he isn't malnourished, but he doesn't grow much either. I'm hoping that if he eats better with me he will grow a little! He doesn't seem to like anything that I cook, and he'll tell me he's not hungry, but if I mention going out for dinner, he's immediately starving. I make some pretty good food, and when I ask him why he doesn't like it he says he's just not used to it. I'm hoping that it's an age thing, because he's stuck with me cooking for a very long time! Wyatt, on the other hand, claims to love my cooking, but he doesn't eat much unless it's fried, or tacos, or spaghetti. I guess when I put it into perspective, all these changes have been hard on all of us, not just me. I tend to take the selfish route sometimes, and forget that every single thing I do effects these little guys. Even if they don't like it right now, it will be better for all of us in the long run. I have to focus on them, my being miserable isn't going to do any of us any good. So, for today anyway, I'm going to make myself continue working, this too shall pass. And it's only 2 weeks until John comes home, I fully intend to lose another 15 lbs by the time he gets home. There it is, set a goal, I can do it, I've already proven that.
hi
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