I am totally drained, again. I don't know why this happens every few days, but I'll tell you what, if I didn't have to I wouldn't move off the couch. That's how I feel, inexplicably lazy, but I did not get to indulge that little beast today, because we had things to do, namely going to Ebin's church for a birthday party and pig roast. I really really really don't like to hang out at church. I feel really uncomfortable, but I go to these type of events because I love Ebin, and I know he wants us to be a part of it. I really feel like I'm being judged, by a small congregation of very old people. I have nothing in common with them. Don't get me wrong, the invitation is very nice, and I appreciate it, but I feel like I'm being invited, not for the social event, but rather to be preached to about what they believe. I have my own beliefs, I don't feel like it's my responsiblity to shove that down anyone's throat, people who really know me know what that means. I don't feel like it's anyone's business what I think, and I don't feel like they need to try to make me believe what they do. They don't treat me badly for the most part but comments like "Oh, you and John finally got married, that's good, You'll be ok now..." really push my buttons, As if my not being married before last summer meant anything different. I know I'm bitching, but I want you to know that I have never made my kids feel like they MUST believe anything. I was given the opportunity to test the waters and decide what was the best fit for me, and I did that, and I will allow my kids to do that, but I'm not going to be forced to hang out at church anymore. It's a nightmare, Logan is too busy, the kids do their own thing, and I don't even get the chance to see whatever it was that I was invited to see. My point is that I have to stop letting myself be told how I will be spending my time, and not only that, but there is zero respect for the fact that I'm trying very hard to lose weight! It's time for me to learn to stand up for myself and just tell people no, I'm not interested! I have this deep seeded need to please people, and I feel like I'm obligated to do what I'm told, but somethings got to give. I need to find a balance because I'm driving myself crazy!!! I don't know why its such a big deal to me, but I'm expected to be the mom while still being given a schedule of what I'm expected to do... I am getting better at it, I have been able to say no more, I just wish I didn't care so much about what people think. I think that's what it all boils down to. I have to break out of this and soon!
On the up side of this whole thing, there were about 10 old ladies dancing to Elvis, and I gotta tell you, that's funny shit. I didn't get to see as much as I would have liked, but what I did see was hilarious! I used to be in a singing group as a kid, and we had to dance, and all I could think was "Young Impressions 50 year reunion". I'd like to give a shout out to my YI homies... I think I have contact with 2 of them... lol! I have to laugh now, because at the time it seemed like the most important thing ever! Now it's all just funny to me, in that good memories sort of way. I'm a pretty decent singer, not the best best, but I can hold my own, and during that time, I did have people ask me fairly often if I was going to pursue it as a career. Of course I was, it was the most important thing in the world. Fast forward to present day, and I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had done something with my talent, rather than wasting it on Karaoke in bars. Honestly it doesn't matter, because overall I'm pretty lucky, and I keep finding new things to be good at, hopefully one of those is being a good mom, that's all I really want. But I have also found this blog... I have had so many really great comments on it, and it has really helped me to find something special in myself that I didn't think I had anymore, and that's passion. I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but the difference in my personality is absolutely incredible. I really want to thank everyone for all of the encouragement, and help these last couple weeks. It feels so good! So, who knows, maybe this writing thing has some potential!
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